Archive for Humor
Protected: When Hipsters Attack! (my story of survival)
When food goes bad…very bad
My son is home with tummy pains. I hope he didn’t eat anything bad.
This grilled cheese sandwich went bad, very bad. (All the way to the dark side.)
When was the last time you got sick from food?
Proof I had “little monster fans” BEFORE Lady Gaga did.
This is my cell phone photo which conclusively proves I had little monster fans before Lady Gaga. Lady Gaga released Fame Monster on November 18, 2009…(click for wiki)
She gets all her best stuff from me? Perhaps.
PS
I forgive you, Gaga. Call me.
Don’t hug a Pufferfish
What a HUGE temptation to be self-satisfied as we acquire knowledge.
We soon secure a kind of confidence (or inflation) when we know things others don’t. Too little does our increased knowledge humble us as we recognize all the many things we do not know.
Our opinion of ourselves may intensify and improve, despite not using our gain for the benefit of others. It’s a strange irony. And I’ll bet it’s far easier to see this in others than in ourselves. What do you think?
It reminds me of the fish you see here. The porcupine fish (often confused for the pufferfish) have the ability to inflate their body by ingesting water or air, and swelling up. At 2 times their size vertically, they try to avoid death by scaring off smaller-mouthed predators. Their pointy spines, distend outwards when the fish is inflated, and some species are poisonous. A tetrodotoxin resdies in their internal organs, such as the ovaries and liver. This neurotoxin is at least 1200 times more potent than cyanide (from wikipedia).
One downside to furthering education is the routine bypass of true humility once some comprehension has been achieved. Knowledge ends there, perhaps. We like it because it helps us somehow comfort ourselves. It gets ingrown and fetid. Too often it is used to showoff, or deflect others when we are threatened, or to feel superior inwardly. Too often it is not united to wisdom, which should be our true goal. In wisdom, knowledge and maturity converge to bless others. Wisdom helps our knowledge to give back, and reproduce goodness in kind.
Knowledge without mindful experience won’t produce wisdom. A wise one is continually teachable, and can learn from any other person. A solely knowledgeable person compares themselves to others, and feels confident or insecure depending on who they are stacked against.
It’s not that education, knowledge, and learning is negative, on its own. It is the way we use our new understanding and expertise that is the issue of greatest import.
Paraphrase of I Corinthians 13:2b. “…If I can comprehend all mysteries and all knowledge, and even possess mountain-moving faith, but disregard love, I am of no good use.”
I have to keep a close watch that my knowledge does not trap me into a foolish corner where wisdom cannot be found. I have to be mindful that I bless and not oppress others through gained knowledge. My God grant me his grace and nature to do it.
Who in your life has impressed you with his or her humility coupled with knowledge?
For me, I find Jesus a great example here. Also some of my learned professors have had incredible humility coupled with awing intelligence and academic achievement. It is a beautiful display of the Fruit of the Spirit.
How do you struggle with this, at times?
What helps you keep in-check?
How to Think Better in 97 seconds
Critically thinking is something we don’t do enough. Thinking better, and making better decisions has everything to do with thinking more clearly and critically. A bad argument (aka poor logic) shouldn’t fool us, or convince us. Chances are you’re getting kicked around more than you think.
(This is supplemental material for my worldviews class.)
Listen to any radio, talk show, or news program after you understand the following logic issues, and you spot one logical fallacy after another. Now you’ll have the knowledge base to disarm flawed rationalizations and weak assertions.
So, use the next 97 seconds and pick some fallacies that appeal to you. Then, share something new you learned. Or, visit soon, and tell us the first fallacy your spotted.
There will be prizes!
When your Kids HATE Mealtime Prayers
Do you pray before meals with your family?
This Christian spiritual practice is one I grew up with. I was praying at meals since I was 3, and I remember some of those first prayers. Do you remember getting to pray for the meals as a child? It felt like an honor to be asked, as I recall.
Here’s where it gets weird.
My two children (ages, almost 11 and 8 years old, respectively) seem to loath mealtime prayers, under any circumstances.
Unlike many children from praying homes, mine rebuff any offers to say the prayer at mealtime, even when they are sweetened with awesome bribes! They usually complain about mealtime prayer, despite our conversations about having our particular family tradition and its importance in our view of the world. Most often, the kids see mealtime prayers as a unpleasant obstacle preventing their nourishment. And, it seems to be worsening as time goes by.
That’s right a 30 second prayer time before meals is worse than other forms of child torture…like going to bed at 8:00, or hanging up one’s coat, or emptying the silverware from the dishwasher. I don’t get it either.
As a person who’s spent hundreds of hours researching and learning how to help people grow spiritually, this is a bit of a black eye…oh, and a punch in the gut. It’s not just a bit embarrassing to realize, but it makes me think that perhaps my children’s basic spiritual formation is compromised if these times of prayer are not meaningful and helpful when we do them. I think we could all be the worse for our failure here.
So, I’ve been speaking with my husband about how we can change things up, and enliven family prayer time to make God, and thanking God for our food more participatory, vivified, and worthwhile for all of us. I want children with grateful hearts.
I thought of some ideas, and I hope you will contribute to the mix too. I could use your ideas and advice.
Idea 1. Lighting a candle:
Kids love fire. Right? I’d like to try to light a voitive candle for each of us and read John 8:12
Then Jesus said, “I am the light of the world. The one who follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”
We can then respond. “Thank you Jesus for your light in our hearts. Thank you for our meal. Amen.”
Idea 2. Maybe adding a kind of prop, visual aid, or short object lesson with our practice would make it not just a more interesting time, but will carry on in their thoughts. Then, at night when putting them to bed, we could bring it up again, for a little meditating or conversation for an evening prayer.
Idea 2. Maybe using a mixing of responsive prayers during the week could awaken us to a richer time of thanks before meals.
Prayer 1:
(lead voice) The eyes of all wait upon you, O God,
(others) And you give them their food in due season.
You open wide your hand
and fill all things living with plenteousness.
Bless, O Lord, these gifts to our use and us in your service;
relieve the needs of those in want and give us thankful hearts;
for Christ’s sake. Amen.
Prayer 2:
(lead voice) Bless us, O Lord, who bless your holy name
and by this food, feed us for your holy service.
(others) Thank you, Father and Lord. Amen.
This one could be said after meal time, to add some thankfulness “bookends” to the time together.
After meal prayer:
(lead voice) All your works praise you, O God,
(others) And your faithful servants bless you.
They make known the glory of your kingdom
And speak of your power.
For these and all God’s gifts and graces,
let us bless the Lord.
Thanks be to God. Amen.
Other ideas:
1. We could also go around the table and thank God for something. (My kids balk at this usually.)
2. We could stand and hold hands, or change our posture during prayer, from the norm (which for us is holding hands while seated).
3. When could listen to a singing of a psalm, or worship song before the meal.
HELP! What else can be done to make mealtime prayer better?
Ice Baths and Squats (or, Care of Body as a Spiritual Discipline)
It is a Spiritual Discipline to properly care for your body. It’s one I’ve been quite poor at doing.
I was really fascinated by these 3 “body hacks” from Tim Ferriss that can help with fat loss very efficiently and speedily.
I pass them on to you for 5 main reasons.
1. It’s good for you (body, mind, spirit).
2. I’m going to give them a try and doing them together would be more fun.
3. They’re very simple, and your success will encourage us both.
4. I LOVE to share awesome things I find with my friends.
5. Warmer weather is coming (which means less hide-your-bulges clothing). Really it is only about 6 weeks away, and you’ll thank me.
CLICK this link below to view the videos. AND Keep me posted, please.
Have you ever had an ice bath?
How much would you have to be paid to try it for 10 minutes?
Like Jael, I got you so pegged
Don’t be tempted to …ahem… peg Jael as the Biblical forerunner of the fierce “Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling”. She was a nobody who cared for sheep and endured the harsh elements.
As a tent dweller of the Kenite clan, she was riffraff to the nth degree. (The spiffy clothing you may see her depicted in is just wishful thinking. A bath would be hard to come by, let alone silk fineries, and dainty hairstyling.)
The Biblical story of Jael is hardcore violence! (10 sec read here)
So-NEVER doubt this, Jael is one shrewd and formidable female; and she clobbers an expert of war, with her own violence, as a part of God’s plan.
She’s sharp, very sharp.
Could this be one instance (of many) where a Bible story may effect an impressionable mind? Perhaps envision the scene following a Bible study at a female penitentiary … “Yo, ladies, are you ready to get your Jael on!? Wooo…” Okay, maybe not. But, I can totally see a Bible inspired video game for Christian families….rated T for Teen (of course)… that includes this scene. The object would be to get in the most spike poundings before the warrior wakes up. That’s completely obvious, right?
Incidentally, this story also proves how brilliantly somniferous warm milk can be. Note to self.
Most importantly, this story begs us to root for Jael, and everyone like her. She’s an impoverished foreigner. A diminutive herding woman. And she triumphs in a crucial battle to save a whole nation. Underdog doesn’t begin to describe her.
This isn’t just an astonishing battle tale, or reversal of fortune story, it’s a message of hope for all of us up against the odds. God gives us the strength to peg and conquer our obstacles. God’s character is shown in this and the many underdog stories in the Bible. Literarily unheard of, this story is like no other. No other ancient literature in the world included women very much, let alone full- blown heroines. But, God captures his heart for us in this story of an unlikely woman who saves an entire people group from destruction.
Remember this: Undoubtably, you have God’s camaraderie when the odds are against you, or when your foes or circumstance seem too great to overcome. God has mercy for your “type,” and it is his joy to help you prevail. Keep your hope in the Lord, the Almighty King.
Do you ever feel like an underdog?
What would you like to pin and conquer?
Wicked good Tip for my readers: Stay current with all the sites you like, and the latest from here, quickly and easily with Google Reader.
Clearing away some “crap” about my name.
OKAY! I’m going to try to point everyone in the right direction…which incidentally is something a certain forefather of mine did NOT do.
So, I’m reading my blog analytics, and I’m confronted with an old foe…of sorts. It seemed a google search for some gastric-related product sent someone to my blog. Welcome to my whole life. My maiden name (and pen name) Colón is pronounced (basically) like this: CO – lone. (The other joke was, “What’s that smell? Is it Lisa Colón? Like eau de cologne…SO ingenious, right?)
Surprisingly…ahem…the word colon is well, confusing for a lot of people, and search engines, too.
Let’s be clear, the name Colón is not the same as the word used for a punctuation mark, or a semi-punctuation mark, or a main part of the large intestine. Oh, but WHAT a funny joke…especially at the doctor’s office. HA. HA. HA. Yeh, whatever. Nurses think they are endlessly funny, believe me.
You may have never heard of the Colón surname, at all, unless you are familiar with a certain Right Tackle football player and once Pittsburgh Steeler: Willie Colón (click for wiki).
Or you are particularly into Salsa music, and know Willie Colón, the Puerto Rican salsa music icon; a Nuyorican salsa musician, and trombonist.
If you are not familiar with Spain, Spanish, Spanish countries, or Central and South American countries, you are in new territory for this nomenclature.
Or!
You haven’t made the connection with all sorts of Columbian words (yes, the word Columbian relates to the “discoverer”..of a place where people already were…of the Americas…. Amerigo Vespucci…er…wait… I mean… “Christopher Columbus”.)
Those related words are Colonize, Colony, Colonel, Colonial, et cetera. Yes. They all originate with Cristóbal Colón, the Spanish name of Christopher Columbus.
Okay, now to clear it up, using the dictionary.
The word “colon” (pronounced COLE-on) which is NOT my name is 1 of 2 things:
colon 1 |ˈkōlən|
noun
a punctuation mark ( : ) indicating
• that a writer is introducing a quotation or a list of items.
• that a writer is separating two clauses of which the second expands or illustrates the first.
• a statement of proportion between two numbers : a ratio of 10:1.
• the separation of hours from minutes (and minutes from seconds) in a statement of time given in numbers : 4:30 p.m.
• the number of the chapter and verse respectively in biblical references : Exodus 3:2.
ORIGIN mid 16th cent. (as a term in rhetoric denoting a section of a complex sentence, or a pause before it): via Latin from Greek kōlon ‘limb, clause.’
colon 2
noun Anatomy
the main part of the large intestine, which passes from the cecum to the rectum and absorbs water and electrolytes from food that has remained undigested. Its parts are called the ascending, transverse, descending, and sigmoid colon.
ORIGIN late Middle English : via Latin from Greek kolon.
My name is Colón, which is different.
Colón |kəˈlōn|
the chief port of Panama, at the Caribbean Sea end of the Panama Canal; pop. 140,900.
colón |kəˈlōn|
noun ( pl. -lones |-ˈlōˌnās|)
the basic monetary unit of Costa Rica and El Salvador, equal to 100 centimos in Costa Rica and 100 centavos in El Salvador.
ORIGIN from Cristóbal Colón, the Spanish name of Christopher Columbus (see Columbus 2 ).
Why do I continue to use a name that is confusing?
Part of it is that I’m just silly. And, well, my married name is DeLay. It’s French, and poses its own set of problems. Delay. Yes, perhaps I’m the repeated victim of circumstance. This is especially true if colon and delay are put together. Ya know?
And fittingly, this post has constipation…
But, it’s all so you can sit down, relax, and Wait…Wait…wait…
It’s all coming out better now in the end.
So, yeh, if you need a colon cleanser…as you can see, I’m here for you (in a sense).
Incidentally…Thomas Crapper took out nine plumbing patents 1881-1896. Click here for the truth about Crapper (With a name like that, Tom is my reason for some optimism and not taking myself too seriously.)
What do you think…a rose by any other name…blah blah blah???
If you have any “monicker stories”…share away!
Let me help you…
(photo courtesy of the Ellen DeGeneres facebook page)
To me this photo says…
If you find it’s hard to talk about something, a good friend will help you in any way she can.
Your turn–
CAPTION PLEASE
4 Classes at Bellegrove United Methodist Church, Anneville
Pastor Dave Alderson and I invite you to learn and experience 4 classes on Spiritual Formation topics, at the Bellegrove church a bit north of Anneville, PA.
Going southbound down Rte 943, this beautiful stone church building is located on the left, just north of the small village of Bellegrove. It is 5 miles from I-78 exit South from the Annville/Ft. Indiantown Gap exit for [South] Route 934 heading toward Lebanon Valley College, Anneville (Anneville @ Rtes 422 & 943).
(Get custom directions here.)
I will prepare 4 interactive sessions for the 10 a.m. time slot, for this January 16, 23, 30 and Feb 6, 2011. If you plan to come, please leave a comment below, or call the church (717) 867-7460, so I can prepare materials for your use.
Topics will include prayer, spiritual growth, devotional practices, fasting, and related subjects. Brief and engaging explanations will precede class discussion and involvement. This time is sure to bring added vitality to your prayer and worship experiences with God, and promote spiritual growth and intimacy with our Savior, both collectively and individually.
We really look forward to seeing you!
Please-DON’T Forget! Here is the book I’m giving away (to one “lucky” reader this January) to make Bible reading WAY more interesting and effective.
Can’t make it? Contact me and we’ll come up with something. :)
God and Jacob in the OT SMACKDOWN: How to wrestle God
It happened in a spot located on the north bank of the Jabbok close to the Jordan River. God and Jacob grappled. Um, what?
This has to be one of the most fascinating stories in the Bible. It’s just 9 verses long. Click this to read it quickly, in a cute, new window.
(And, no, I don’t think the angel/incarnation of God had wings like we see depicted in this illustration. And I have to believe he had a much nicer hairdo, too.)
SO! After that all-night bout, Jacob names the place Peniel, which means “facing God”. Once you go head-to-head with God Almighty, in the flesh, in an epic OT (Old Testament) Smackdown, you just have to name the place something cool, or memorable. You have to do it…so you don’t convince yourself that you were just dreaming, like before. Later, you’ll say, “Yes, kids, I wrestled God all night right here. I had a pretty mean grip on him, and my hip has been killing me ever since.”
The incarnation of God dislocates Jacob’s hip, with just a touch. But, you know what? Jacob still hung on tightly and relentlessly until the angel granted him a blessing. Thus, Jacob carried a permanent reminder of struggling with God.
The hip joint is very strong. Hip injuries like this are not too common, but they do occur sometimes in rough and tumble sports. Here is a little research I gathered, so we can better understand the marathon of a match, and the (possible) physical consequences.
From Chicago Sports Medicine
Post-Hip Dislocation:
This injury is more common in such sports as football, rugby, hurling, and soccer, the individual is hit in the front of the thigh, forcing the thigh/hip complex backward, resulting in hip dislocations. This tears the ligamentum teres and the posterior capsule.
(In folk style/scholastic wrestling, there is a technique/move called “Jacob’s hook”. Yes, it can be dangerous, cause a hip dislocation, and lasting pain.)
The vascular supply to the femoral head is stretched and torn as the posterior displacement increases. Generally (in athletics), the participant is not allowed to return to athletics for a minimum of three months. Long-term consequences of posterior hip dislocations can include sciatic nerve injury, avascular necrosis of the femoral head (hip joint damage due to decreased blood supply), and significant arthritis and cartilage damage.
A joint dislocation significantly disrupts all the structures that support the joint. The athlete will be out of commission for a minimum of three months if he/she does traditional sports medicine treatments. Even after all of that time, there is no guarantee that one will be left with a strong hip joint.
The children of Israel remember the event by never eating this part of an animal. The sciatic nerve is known in Hebrew as the gid hanasheh. The process of removing the sciatic nerve (as well as certain large blood vessels and forbidden fats) from the surrounding meat is known as nikkur, or “deveining.” Since this is a difficult and delicate process, cuts from an animal’s hindquarters (including the Filet mignon) are generally not sold as kosher.[2] (from wiki)
Part of the blessing Jacob receives involves his name change ushering in a new identity for this youngest and far sneakier of the twins boys of Isaac. He is given the name Israel.
Yes, Jacob hangs on all night. Yes, the passage makes it seem like the angel had to keep an early morning appointment elsewhere, with all that “Let me go for it is daybreak” business, as if he’s Edward (the vampire) in the Twilight series. He seems to give in to Jacob’s iron grip. But…
Israel means “God prevails”.
The ending of the name Israel, “el” is most often translated from Hebrew as God, or god.
The first part of the word (isra, or some approximation) is translated – as contended, or striven, or wrestled.
Sometimes this story is interpreted that it is Jacob who does the prevailing or overcoming; but it is God who heals Jacob by revealing himself to him, man-to-man. He “breaks” him to begin to heal him, in every way. God perpetuates a grappling stalemate. Although he could, God chooses not to defeat Jacob in a straight-forward victory by a submission hold, or pin, etc. Jacob’s tenacity is rewarded. Eye of the tiger, baby!
God welcomes our struggling with him, when we patiently and boldly holdout for the blessings that only can come from him.
Have you ever realized that God wants you close, even if you are struggling against him? He wants us to know him in that up close way, face-to-face in all our messiness. He seems to route for us, and hope we hang on all the way to the end of the dark night for the blessing.
Have you ever wrestled God?
