Lisa Colón DeLay

Every year some pranks are pulled on April Fool’s Day.

My kids were big into putting a rubber band on the kitchen sink sprayer. They would high five every time I forgot about it. (I let them have their fun and kept it rigged for most of the day, as they were at home on holiday.)

Redbox did a funny and enjoyable one too.

(click for full prank…it’s worth it for the cheese alone!)

I have been so occupied with my obligations of work, family, and grad school that I didn’t get to poke around and see what other pranks were had on a bigger scale.

What did I miss?

Offer some links to your favorites of this year (or any year) and let me know what I missed!

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas….everywhere you go.

Here’s some things I didn’t think I’d say at Christmastime…

“No! Honey, take little baby Jesus out of your mouth and put him back!”

“Yes, he looks like candy, but keep him in the hay. That’s his bed.”

“No Jesus didn’t eat ham for Christmas dinner, I’m sure of it.”

“I wonder why Santa smells like that.”

“That’s garland. It looks tasty, and yes it’s pretty, but it’s not for eating.”

“Yes, if our house was made of candy we might have more cavities.”

“Does that costume ever get washed?”

“No, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph never rode a train.”

“If I see another man wearing mistletoe on his belt, I think I’m going to freak out.”

“Honey, I don’t know why the girl elf has almost no clothes on when she’s from the north pole. It is weird.”

“No, we won’t be using Raisinets to show that reindeer were nearby.”

“Yes, the woman singing Santa-Baby sounds like a cat. I think that’s on purpose.”

“Santa wasn’t one of the wise men, and he didn’t get anything for baby Jesus’ birthday. That came later.”

“No, The Three Magi is not a group Nikki Minaj was in.”

“Why does that elf look like he’s in the mafia?”

“There was no Round John Burgeon at the stable. He wasn’t a shepherd . It’s ’round yon virgin’, not Round John Burgeon….”

“I don’t know why candy canes stick to the backs of sweaters so much.”

“The angel wasn’t named Harold, and he didn’t have a harp. It’s “Hark, with a “k”, which sort of means “listen”, and it’s “herald” which means “a messenger”…oh nevermind.”

“Yes, sweetie, I know a lot of people do smell like cough medicine at Christmastime.”

 Feel free to add your own in the comments section!

(If you had a chuckle, will you please tweet it up? Spread the good cheer.)

This post is related to the hubbub about a alleged artifact from 400 years after Jesus.

Here’s an article of that and some of the new surrounding controversy that will make the validity of such a finding dubious at best. Just when it gets interesting it leaves you with nothing. Much like this whole hullabaloo will.

Discussing that is not the focus of this post.

Also, the image above is not a painting of the first knock-knock joke:

Mary: “Knock-knock”

Voice in tomb: “Who’s there?”

Mary: “Mary…wait…um… you’re not Jesus, you’re an angel. What are you doing in here?!”

Voice in tomb: “Got ‘cha, Mary. Jesus is alive! and he looks a lot like the guy who takes care of this garden.”

The ancient papyrus lines in question (written in Coptic 400 years after Jesus) are in bold below:

The legible lines on the front of the artifact seem to be a conversation between Jesus and his disciples. The fourth line of the text says, “Jesus said to them, my wife.” Line 5 says “… she will be able to be my disciple,” while the line before the “wife” quote has Jesus saying “Mary is worthy of it” and line 7 says, “As for me, I dwell with her in order to …”

So, suppose this scrap contains the actual words of Jesus, could we solve the mystery?

Firstly, for context….remember the “Plank in the eye thing” Jesus said once…well, here’s the thing about that: That was Shtick.

So, maybe this is too.

“Jesus said to them, my wife….I mean, should I forego this dying for humanity stuff, my wife will be a great cook. Ya’ll know I love grilled fish, right?“

or

“…she will be my disciple, and I have a feeling she won’t be as big a pain in the rump as you guys have been.“

or

“Mary is worthy of it. And by “it” I mean R-E-S-P-E-C-T, yo.“

or

“You guys can stay over at Peter’s house, and for my sake, please patch up the roof from the other day. As for me, I dwell with her in order to get some freakin’ peace and quiet. You bicker constantly!“

You probably thought I’d say, “Jesus said to them, my wife…take my wife, please.” right?

NOW—you fill in the blanks. Finish Jesus’ sentences. (It’s not stuff from the Bible, so don’t worry. It’s not sinning if you’re adding text and meaning to a Coptic gag reel.)

Rene Schwietzke via Compfight

Somedays you need to read uplifting or humorous posts to soothe yourself. I GET THAT. Friday seems two weeks away. You and I both know that sometimes we must find a way to laugh so we don’t freak out on someone, or weep uncontrollably into our Dunkin’ Donuts napkin.

This is probably not going to do that for you. But, you can read it, and shoot up a quick prayer thanking God that you aren’t my spouse. So, that’s a pick-me-up.

True Story:

Once I made a horrible driving error. I’m pretty sure it was the one and only time, but I completely cut someone off on the Interstate.

So, I swing into the passing lane and make a guy in a jeep brake and swerve. Panicked, and intolerably stupid, I flee the scene…by intricately weaving through traffic, no less. Maybe if I’m out of sight I can be out of mind too, I think. No, it’s actually more of a pure flight-or-fight response. I was about 7 at the time, and my frontal lobe was under-developed. 

Indeed, it’s all a crescendoing avalanche of foolishness. Incited, a second motorist blows his horn and starts to tail me in a move of solidarity against vehicular injustice. No doubt readying a tall finger for my witness. My NASCAR lane changing moves soon best him, or maybe he realizes a highway fatality is too high a price just to send a hackneyed message.

As I flee I see the victim in my mirror. He’s frothing and out of his mind with rage. He’s waving limbs around in wild fury, gassing it. He’s in hot pursuit. It’s a Jeep thing, maybe.

Now, I’m terrified. I taste the bile in my mouth.

My heart pounding, I realize this all could end very poorly. And soon.

That blaze of glory stuff is an awesome idea until you start thinking about the minutia of funeral arrangements, or wreckage in general. Yes. The poor man swerved to avoid smashing me. Killing both of us. It could have been a horrid pileup too. We truly had eluded death by narrow margins. 14 guardian angels later file grievances. 3 others walk off the job immediately.

Jeep guy was quite good at swerving, actually, and keeps up the swerving through interstate congestion to reach me. Maybe for seconds. Maybe for kilometers. Things are getting weird. A few truckers start honking, to support me, I assume. (They probably notice my professional driving acumen. What 7 year old can draft and weave with such precision? I’m a prodigy. Surely they recognize that. It’s a rush to have their approval. They’re pros after all.)

At this point I realize Mr Jeep guy is going to try to pull some kind of payback stunt. He’s all in. Battle of the Stupid Stunts is the theme of the afternoon, who could blame him? But, he’s jacked up pretty good. I’m in a subcompact. How bad will this get? Does he have a gun? Or, will he keep it simple and just run me off the road with a triumphant fist pump? Will I be late for Girl Scouts?

How is this going to end?

I do some quick thinking. Finally. Thoughts not just reactions. I mentally pat myself on the back as my synapses fire two or maybe three times…in a row with no problems!

Actually, I stopped breathing for 8 minutes.

They say necessity is the mother of invention, right? Well, it is. I am inventing a solution with  an unfettered brain buzz. Also impending death can be a good motivator for invention.

I do the only thing I think will hit the reset button. Yes. I know there’s no real reset button. Curse you, Staples! Or Vanilla Sky…

I decide on the element of SURPRISE!

Indeed, I just surprised him quite a bit by nearly snuffing out his life.

Yet, this is precisely why he will never see a second surprise coming. Really, I have him right were I want him.

(If only the roaring terror in my brain had let me enjoy that precious moment. Alas, no. Not at all.)

I enact my own creative SEAL 6 black ops tactic I now call: Operation Boo-hoo.

It’s go time!

I burst into tears.

I cry.

Sob, really.
Or, I pretend to.

Who has the time to cry at such a high rate of speed, in heavy traffic before they’re about to be murdered in an act of heedless revenge? Me neither.

Armed with a fistful of tissues I wipe my eyes and feign bawling. A lot. He approaches in haste. From me: Zero eye contact.

Peripherally, I see him. He edges up to my blind spot. He’s poised. He peers. He notices me. He witnesses total hysteria. …and then…mercifully… backs off. (Perhaps I turned into a 3 gallon bucket of mess and he only has a 2 gallon bucket that day.)

Yes, I counted on his attitude changing once he thought something else was going on with me.

Shock and bawl.

I was going for, “Wha….?” 
Is it Grief? remorse? madness? sorrow? a lost puppy?
Whatever…let me just say it worked. Perfectly.

I rewarded myself with a new box of Kleenex…with aloe.
I’m not sure why I wasn’t armed with aloe tissues in the first place. But, never again.
Because that would be crazy.

Hey, have a happy day.

P.S. (I might have not been 7 years old at the time.)

Originally The Muses refer to nine goddesses in Greek mythology who control and symbolize nine types of art known to Ancient Greece. As daughters of Zeus and Mnemosyne (memory personified) Muses are associated with artistic inspiration. It’s actually a rather clever pairing The Divine & Memory…a kind of divine memory or “remembering the divine nature of being creative” perhaps. Note the word used within “amuse”, “museum”, “music”, and “musing upon” still carry a bit of this in their meanings.

What I appreciate about the idea of Muses in association with creativity and inspiration is the notion that brilliance is not sourced in us. Instead by careful listening and doing the work we join up with something transcendent as we engage in creative pursuits.

This serves as a needed inoculation from the perils of both failure and success. Creative types…and by that I mean me (and maybe you)…are notoriously melancholy and can succumb to discouragement when we assume too much responsibility for our creative endeavors. When some of the pressure is off we do better.

Have you heard from your Muse lately?
What are you most proud of creatively?

Photo Credit: M Sullivan via Compfight

Several thousand people arrive at my blog each month because of Ligers.

But maybe you’ve noticed that this isn’t a blog about Ligers. Actually, I rarely feature any big cats, or animals of any kind.

But for the magic of SEO, and Google, they come, massive web traffic, visitors in search of Liger related who-knows-what. If you google “name the liger” I’ll be the first entry.

People want to know if they’re real, or if Napoleon Dynamite was on to something about their skillz in magic. Maybe they want to see one up close. The Myrtle Beach Wildlife Reserve had a baby liger they were showing off, so boom! Liger fans. It’s all been a big flippin’ mistake…

Truth be told, I like Ligers. There’re pretty much my favorite animal. Back in 2010, on a lark I decided that a Liger would be a nice mascot here. After all, I’m a mixed breed myself. I popped up a post about it. “Name the Liger” I said. And still they come.

Lots of useless traffic…Or was it?

Instead of staying frustrated by this feline epic #fail, or even….well…you know being embarrassed by all the ligerish corniness, I decided employ some “Liger Leverage”.

See? They’re magic after all.

I just repurposed the post. In a spirit of general generosity, I worked on giving people something they were looking for.

I linked to the news some readers no doubt wanted about the wildlife reserve, I added some Liger info, and linked to a helpful resource with detailed information and stats on these and other hybrid felines. And I also added an invitation for [errant] visitors to poke around the rest of the site…you know for other flipping’ sweet stuff.

Guess what? In just two weeks, my bounce rate dipped about 35%! (That’s the stat that shows that people notice they’ve gone to the wrong place and click away quickly.) I might have even gained some regular readers.

Are people visiting your blog for the wrong reasons?
It turns out you can redeem the mistake. Use Liger Leverage!

Infographic on 2012. Are you optimistic?

Share your predictions.

2012 Predictions:

1. Mit Romney will accidentally expose the battery pack that gives him life, and grey hair confined to the temples.

2. 8% unemployment will be seen as “the glory days of old”.

3. Obama will sustain another basketball injury. This time a ligament, and a foreshadowing of things to come.

4. The London summer olympics will give us a jolly good overload on all things British.

5. The Mayan focus will renew interest in corn…as a killer.

Free to use and distribute. Creative Commons (when credit is given to creator)

My funniest Ninja video to date! ENJOY. (If you like it, share it. It’s a Creative Commons item!)

Kristin Tennant (blogger at halfway to normal) a.k.a. kt_writes gets a NiNJA Interview. Great stuff (If the interviewee spits out coffee while watching it, I think I’ve done my job.)

Tell me what you think…
about SURPRISE.

Caption Please. Extra points if you Christianize it, some how, as you may be wont to do. So, be creative and bear good fruit.

My market may have the corner on reject grapes. If any image could mar the “Remain in the Vine” metaphor, this one might (John 15:5); or maybe it reflects a different spiritual truth. What do you think? If you had to create a sermon around this photo, what would be the theme?

The surprise was that I expected that a grape so pinched in/by the vine would be rotten at the protrusion, but nope. It tasted fine, even though the squeeze was on.

Other fun, informative and Fruity posts:

12 Fruit of the Spirit that never made the cut
The Giving Rules, plus Jesus with a dinosaur. (helpful gifts and corruption formula)

“Whisper My Blog on the Interwebs, boys…” I think this.

What better way to get a blog following, right? Well…

The obvious biblical analogy here would be the sick woman who knew if she would just touch the hem of Jesus’ robe, she would be healed. Will my blog be healed….Hum…okay, I won’t go there.

Well, in blogging terms, that “proverbial hem” (or Medias Touch, if you prefer) is without a doubt, a shout out from the web Kahunas, like Tim Ferriss or Jon Acuff. Okay, you know what…not even a “shout out”. It’s more likely that a mere tweet-in-passing would act like a combo pack of a vitamin B12 shot, an IV of Red Bull, plus a bag of crack…to your blog….you know…in blogging terms.

Have you ever hoped for a plug from someone trusted…or a mention from someone at least, sort of, kind of, famous? Or infamous, even…. Snookie…call me.

“Hello there, Rubber, meet my friend Road”:
The reality is while a tweet vouch might spike up your hits, it’s really only great content and consistency that will keep readers (and even friends) coming back for more, the next day, or sometime soon. There aren’t awesome shortcuts for doing a great job.

It’s the hard work Tim and Jon invested that made them achieve Web Chieftain status. (A status that I just made up, but is indeed “very important”…indicating almost boundless prowess.)

Yes, they’ve been clever; and yes they’ve benefitted from good timing, loyalty, and following their adroit instincts. But, getting to the blogging big leagues wasn’t simple or easy. They are but two examples.

Really, Lisa, says who, you?
How do I know, since I’m not in their league…AT ALL… you ask? Gosh, that’s sort of pointed, putting it that way…but it’s a cogent point.

On a smaller scale, I’ve done it too. I’ve blogged consistently for years. I put in at least 1-2 hours a day (and plenty of times more) in investments of time in promotion and activity in social media, in writing, reading, research, and other super spy stuff from the confines of my lair…um…home office….area…er…okay, the couch. My blog crashed twice, completely, over a 10 day period last month. I went to ZERO visits per day, for a total of 4 days. Ouch! Now, not even 14 days later I recovered to 200 visits per day, and I expect that should improve. It’s just nose + grindstone.

But, it’s even simpler than that. If you read their stuff, Tim and Jon mention this. Themselves. They mention the dedication, the striving, and even the failures on the way.  They try different things, and they don’t give up. It’s not magic after all.

Here’s some Do’s and Don’ts so you can blog better:

DO’S
1. Do use [relevant] visuals or video in your blog. Think of a blog this way: It communicates like the telephone, but still needs the visual injection like tv.

1. Do credit other people when your ideas are derivative of theirs. (This way everyone wins.) A link and a mention is appropriate, and appreciated.

2. Do blog consistently.

3. Do have a niche, but don’t be afraid to branch out to keep things fresh too. (I’m not sure if you’re like me, but I’ve read enough “My Random Thoughts” blogs to last me 22 dog lifetimes. Yawn.)

4. Do offer something. If your blog is more like a dairy, and you aren’t a household name, don’t expect to have high visitor traffic. Probably ever.

Remember that essentially your readers are “selfish” and “don’t care about you” so you have to bring something enjoyable to them, or interesting. Or just incorporate some of these emotions: love, shock, anger/outrage, “tears”/loss, joy, excitement, and so forth, to make it worth reading.

Present company excluded…of course? …Very funny. Let’s be serious, you, too, will stop reading this if you get bored, or it isn’t really helping you, somehow. However, if not, I love you.  (And I wish I was you.) But, now I digress.

DON’TS

1. Don’t expect people to think your life is interesting. If it really was, you wouldn’t have that much time to blog. (Don’t act all surprised that I mentioned this. Other people realize this too, they just don’t say it right to your face.)

2. Don’t express jealousy. Instead, refine it into admiration.

I see this in bloggers a bit too much, and it’s weird. What’s jealousy in blogging, exactly? Well, it seem like jealousy when you write, and you have a beef with somebody. Maybe it’ll be passive-aggressive, or good old fashion: aggressive-agreesive. Nevertheless, it reads as petty, even icky. Look for the positive if you’re speaking of another writer or personality. Unless, of course, you’re being quite clever or satirical, then have at it.  Ooo, except if you’re no good at that, then never mind…just be nice, if possible.  

3. Don’t Whine.

4. Don’t have long posts much. Keep a healthy amount to under 400-500 words.

5. Don’t post something just because you think “it’s time”. The content quality dives when you do this. It’s a silent killer that last year alone murdered 850 thousand blogs. Okay I might have made that last part up.

Tips to help with #5: a. When you get a stream of ideas, write them all down. Anticipate that you will have dry periods of creativity. It can be feast or famine, so plan ahead. b. Split your ideas into a series of shorter posts. c. Invite guest post writers to contribute. d. Make lists, like “My funniest posts,” or “Most controversial posts” or “Most popular posts” (An admitted Jon Acuff “favorite”…or whatever… is the “list post”.) Obviously you have to be doing this for a while to have an arsenal to pick from.

5. Don’t grovel for endorsements.
(Included here are asking for retweets of your posts links, begging for plugs,  being gimmicky, or the cardinal sin in social media: sending a DM for a RT. More on that from Chris Brogan here.)

Oh, hey! If you don’t know what I’m talking about with this terminology, you might want to ramp up your social media IQ, and read up on these terms to help your blogging efforts. It’s not that it’s all “cool,” it’s simply necessary. Here’s a spot, for a quick and dirty rundown of indispensable terms.

The fact is, if I ask you to RT (retweet) or to stick me on your blogroll; If I ask you to link up with an article, or to please put in a shout out, gosh…. it just oozes neediness. Un-Attractive. (Yes, I’ve done it…but I am so ashamed, now that I know better.) See, I have to earn this stuff. This comes the hard way, and through its own merits. I need to do the best I can. I will be rewarded in due time (same goes for you).

Whether you blog, or just read blogs—What makes a good blog?

Oh, one more thing….
I DO whisper names. If you leave your blog link, before the end of October, I’ll check it out thoroughly. Then you could get a personal plug. I plan to feature 5 favorite blogs in an upcoming post, maybe one will be yours. Give me until November to check them out, and report!

Here’s a collection of posts you may have missed that are worth a read, a second look, or passing glance:

1. On Speaking About Gender:  (A “how to”…in church this has gotten to be a sticky subject.)

2. And this too: (The poster that made me want to be a guy)

3. On Understanding the Bible: (Things you’ll get wrong when you study or read the Bible)

4. Most likely to surprise Evangelicals: Why the Rapture is garbage Doctrine.

5. On modern day Baal Worship: (Does Tech = Baal? Find out.)

6. 5 Mistakes you can make when you’re thinking about ditching your church: 

7. 7 Reasons Why (Christians) Aren’t Ready for Heaven.

8. Faith and Fleecing God: (Some surprising stuff about Gideon)

9. Post with the most puns referring to the word “sharp“. (Called Like Jael, I got you so Pegged) Remember the underdog, tent peg through the head story? Tough sledding for Sunday school teachers, but enough gore to keep the adults happy or guessing. Guessing what? Exactly.

10. Taste the Sensation: The Holy Spirit is (apparently) quite a bit like a York Peppermint Pattie: This self-test will give you the scoop. (humor) I should mention that the most popular humorous self-test on this site is here: Can Your Soul Fit into a Mailbox? Find Out Fast.

11. 7 Reasons Why My Blog Will Make you Cry Less than Jon Acuff’s (humor) blog. 

12. Funniest 18 seconds of video I ever shot:

I probably did a bad job with this…so maybe you can help me. What posts have you liked? You can “nominate” posts for “best of”. Think back, or Do a search, pick your favorites, and share them in the comments section. Thank you for reading.

What to promote your own favorite blog post? Leave a link.

I don’t think of myself as much of a leader, but actually since I place my ideas and writing “out there,” I don’t have much of a choice in the matter. Most likely, I will, somehow, lead someone. Is this my goal? Nope. I enjoy being a galvanizer, instead. Yep, A good natured provocateur. So, really a person with some unique information, ideas, and know how that fosters and encourages good leaders and good followers (a.k.a. cooperators). As you will see, a good leader is just a looney loner, until a few key people help him or her to build momentum. As a certain kind of trust is built, it is these linchpin people who “make it happen”. I think of it as sort of the knife and needed friction on the flint that produces heat and spark.

If you’ve been faithfully reading my blog, I’d like to thank you very much. I really appreciate you, and I ask that you can help me be more than a “lone looney,” or lone loser. This funny video below will unpack that.

In some respect, we all need followers, even as much as we need to be followers. It helps to link up with people who like you and what you do. People will will invest in your growth. They transmit your message or product for you. It’s just not enough to have an idea, even a great idea. A faithful network is more important because it is the fuel to share something. I found this video on Guy Kawasaki site alltop.com. It’s from the TED conference. Derek Sivers, of CD Baby fame, delivers a great and useful message.

Questions to ask yourself:
Who am I helping by following and building a bridge of trust to other followers?
Who can I partner with who understands the importance of both leading and following?
Who needs to hear my message?
Who’s message do I enjoy hearing?

So, let’s help each other. Let’s build momentum. Who do you follow, and what kind of followers to you need? Let us know.

Thank you.

It’s a Tuesday that feels like a Monday. So, to brighten your day, I’m sharing this tiny movie from our picnic, Sunday. (It was a Games2U party.)

Warning: Human-sized hamster balls BOUNCE.

Video is public on facebook, here.

Would you give this a try?

If you like it, Tweet it / share it.

Friday and Saturday I took off to the Poconos with my daughter for a mother/daughter retreat. The whole getaway sneaked up on me, and I realized about an hour before we had to leave that we were due to attend this overnight cabin camping getaway.

Ten things I learned from my getaway:

1. When a female retreat speaker likes to take off her shoes (and has toes that look like man fingers) I have trouble concentrating.

2. Camp cabins have a wet sock meets wet canine smell. This is normal.

3. A retreat menu consists of 300% of one’s daily requirement of carbohydrates. (MMM and uh-oh.)

4. A camping getaway is not complete unless several bugs are captured and treated like members of the family, before they die in captivity.

5. Turkeys wake up at 4 a.m….vocalizing.

6. Even if a mom/daughter hike includes spotting deer up close, friendly fowl, and indescribable beauty, wet pants, shoes, and socks will incur massive amounts of overshadowing whining.

7. Staying up past 11 p.m. for its own sake makes an eight year old immeasurably ecstatic and then immeasurably exhausted 12 hours later. Usually there is crying involved.

8. Apparently, when camping, there’s no such thing as “too much candy”.

9. Unspoken camp rule: carbonated beverages are a right, not a privilege.

10. Mysterious forces beyond one’s control cause one’s washcloths and towels to dry in no less than four days.

What are some things you’ve learned from camping?

photos of our time away.

A fence of doors

I took this shot on our way back from Pittsburgh, going East on Route 22.

It’s a rather funny image. Look at it. Can you see why?

At first glance, this may look like a bunch of doors to individual storage units. It was just that. But looking more closely, one can see that it is not at all–now. All that is left of an exterior wall of storage units is now just a row of doors…that serve as a fence. Theoretically, just one key could get you inside. Right? One key, but which door should one pick?

I think this a great picture of life. You have a key to get through the next barrier. It may look like a wall standing tall before you. On closer inspection, or through a different perspective, you will see the doors. But, you may have a tough time finding which door lock matches your key. You may need to be persistent…or fetch a ladder.

Once you open the door, (or climb the fence) you don’t find a small windowless room. You find yourself on the other side of a fence that once stood in your way. There will be many fences like this in your life.

SO-Will you see those walls as having doors, or will they only be fencing separating you from progress?

What is something in your life that seemed like a fence, but in fact had a door you could open?

or, if you prefer,

What area of life has doors, but yet usually seems impregnable?

Share your thoughts.

Tomb Stone (Jerusalem)

Things have been sort of heavy around here lately, with Lent, and Jesus dying and everything. Easter-wise, I think we’re in “tomb time” at this point. It’s where Jesus is physically dead from execution. Everybody in Jesus’ world has had a super crappy day. They put him in the ground, and seal it up. He’s dead. Their hearts and dreams are broken and shattered.

Jesus is in paradise or Hades… or maybe someone should explain that to me…hang on… Okay. Checked on that. If that bit is confusing to you too, try this article. (Then get back here, before I lose my train of thought.)

Anyway, I’m writing this from home. No. I should say, I’m writing this from a place where my mother lives, and where I spent a few college breaks, and one horrid 6 week summer stint before I got married almost 16 years ago. So, actually not home at all. There’s a dislocation all over.

My mom still lives here. It was her late husband’s house. A guy who wasn’t my father.

There’s a guy here, now. I call him Jerry, she calls him fiancé. They met on the computer, in February. I thought he would go back to his place by now, but it’s almost 11pm, and he’s still hanging around. We’re slated to see him, at his place, tomorrow, and most of Sunday, here. Trust me, it’s weird to be in my head, right now.

It feels much like I’m the protagonist in a very awkward Ben Stiller movie. But I haven’t had a chance to figure out my lines. The plot is sketchy. The characters are underdeveloped. I wouldn’t be able to explain it all, even if I tried. But, this picture may reveal much of what I can’t. (I’m the one on the left.)

(me with mom)

Kind of funny picture, no? Laugh for me, if you can.

So, I ate my feelings today. Which, in this case, means about a half a cup of Rasinets, and other sugar and carb no-nos. It feels like Tomb time. Things seem ruined, or broken, and altogether not right. I will acknowledge this.

I won’t shove it aside, or pretend I can’t feel it, see it, smell it. Life can really suck. (That’s a theological term. It means…oh nevermind.)

YET! I know this thing. Nothing can keep the dawn from coming.

I really like Easter and Spring. And well, life. Rebirth is also–excellent. Brighter days are ahead. Death has no victory. The tomb cannot keep us. Even the tomb of discontent, or broken dreams.

We are poised to celebrate life and renewal. Come, Lord Jesus.

I usually encourage responses to my posts. But this time, I’m just letting it all hang out without a care of that. You can do what you’d like, I just need to sit here for a while.

Can’t make it? Invite me to your place. (click “Who’s Lisa” Tab)

Sometimes life seems to be larger than life…

…especially when we’re talking about humor related to contrasts in size. Behold the giant characters of the roadsides!

It seems Route 66 is dotted with a few more giant roadside characters per mile than other travel routes. Here are just 3:

(the one on the right isn't doing sign language for "day". He's a lumberjack who used to hold an axe)

But, you know what?
It’s not just route 66 with these attractions. America’s byways have lots of them…and really people in places all over the world create outlandish sights to attract attention or visitors.

Does anything else really say, “Buy stuff here!” as well as an oversized lumberjack with an axe?

In my area, this enormous Amish couple sits outside the famed Roadside America. Actually, they sort of frighten me.

What’s the craziest roadside creation you’ve seen?

Now for some spiritual reflection:
If someone was building a giant something to represent your personality, what would it look like?

First, a confession: I considered posting a photo here of a little person eating a donut hole here. This is to say, posting a visual of “a (so-called) ‘midget’ eating a munchkin®”…because I thought it would funny, a little funny…Yes, in two ways. But, I changed my mind. It just seemed like a bad choice. Some vertically challenged folks mightn’t feel respected. Also, I couldn’t find a good photo.

FAT TUESDAY
Today, March 8th, is my son’s birthday. Today is also Mardi Gras (French for Fat Tuesday). It seemed fitting to send some donut treats for a birthday snack to share with his classmates.

Where I live, Fat Tuesday is celebrated as Fastnacht Day (pronounced: FOSSt-Not) or Donut Day. Potato dough is fried and served with dark corn syrup. After 3 Fastnacht donuts, and you might need assistance to stand or move. Plus, the local Dunkin Donuts shop makes 1,900 dozen donuts on 24 hour shifts just be ready. Don’t mess with donut lovers!

Will you eat a donut today?

The fact is most of us love the indulgence of Fat Tuesday (and other times of feasting), but pay too little attention to the times of simplicity, in the following season. I usually do.

LENT 411
In this particular case, a reflective time is set aside in the Christian calendar following the feasting period. Yes, it’s called the season of Lent. This year, Lent starts Wednesday, March 9th, and ends in the celebration and remembrance of the Resurrection of Jesus Christ (a.k.a Easter Sunday). This year, Easter falls on Sunday, April 24. (To find out the strange way they determine this date each year, go here.)

Why bother concerning yourself with Lenten season?
To show you are devoted to God? Nope. (God already knows your heart.) To please God with sacrifice? Hopefully not, because a pure heart and obedience is better than sacrifice. It’s not about proving something or doing something for God. Instead, a season of Lent can work well to prepare our hearts for God’s work. It can open our eyes to the greater Reality, as well as draw greater significance (for our understanding) in the sacrifice in Jesus Christ’s life of obedience and death for our benefit. This season, can also help us identify with and have compassion for the poor, and the those millions upon millions of humans suffering in our world, which often does not enter our thoughts nearly enough.

This lenten season can be a time of gratitude, and questioning our priorities and cravings.  So, what would happen if you observed the season of Lent in a new way, in some manner, this year? I think you could be pleasantly surprised.

Need an idea?
One thing you can do differently is simply drop by here and pause to read a lenten reflection. Once a week, or more, I will post some Lenten Season reflections to make better use of the season, spiritually speaking. I hope it brings an unexpected blessing to you. So, check back soon, or or sign up for post updates to be notified when a reflection post goes live.

But, first things first–go get a donut!

Um. Yep.

I got this fortune cookie fortune today. This variety of weirdness feels like it was written in Hoboken, not Peking…but I think I like it.

As it relates to my future? Hum…now that’s a good question. It could be in keeping with the Raisinets I found on my porch on the Chinese New Year’s Day (It’s the Year of the Rabbit)

What’s the funniest or strangest fortune cookie you’ve ever gotten?

My son is home with tummy pains. I hope he didn’t eat anything bad.

This grilled cheese sandwich went bad, very bad. (All the way to the dark side.)

It's not a liberty bell sandwich, it's Lord Vader.

When was the last time you got sick from food?

OKAY! I’m going to try to point everyone in the right direction…which incidentally is something a certain forefather of mine did NOT do.

Click to read more about my great (x20+) grandpa, Chris.

So, I’m reading my blog analytics, and I’m confronted with an old foe…of sorts. It seemed a google search for some gastric-related product sent someone to my blog. Welcome to my whole life. My maiden name (and pen name) Colón is pronounced (basically) like this: CO – lone. (The other joke was, “What’s that smell? Is it Lisa Colón? Like eau de cologne…SO ingenious, right?)

Surprisingly…ahem…the word colon is well, confusing for a lot of people, and search engines, too.
Let’s be clear, the name Colón is not the same as the word used for a punctuation mark, or a semi-punctuation mark, or a main part of the large intestine. Oh, but WHAT a funny joke…especially at the doctor’s office. HA. HA. HA. Yeh, whatever. Nurses think they are endlessly funny, believe me.

You may have never heard of the Colón surname, at all, unless you are familiar with a certain Right Tackle football player and once Pittsburgh Steeler: Willie Colón (click for wiki).

We have an uncanny resemblance to each other, I KNOW.

Or you are particularly into Salsa music, and know Willie Colón, the Puerto Rican salsa music icon; a Nuyorican salsa musician, and trombonist.

Salsa musician Willie Colón

If  you are not familiar with Spain, Spanish, Spanish countries, or Central and South American countries, you are in new territory for this nomenclature.

Or!

You haven’t made the connection with all sorts of Columbian words (yes, the word Columbian relates to the “discoverer”..of a place where people already were…of the Americas…. Amerigo Vespucci…er…wait… I mean… “Christopher Columbus”.)

Those related words are Colonize, Colony, Colonel, Colonial, et cetera. Yes. They all originate with Cristóbal Colón, the Spanish name of Christopher Columbus.

Okay, now to clear it up, using the dictionary.

The word “colon” (pronounced COLE-on) which is NOT my name is 1 of 2 things:

colon 1 |ˈkōlən|
noun
a punctuation mark ( : ) indicating
• that a writer is introducing a quotation or a list of items.
• that a writer is separating two clauses of which the second expands or illustrates the first.
• a statement of proportion between two numbers : a ratio of 10:1.
• the separation of hours from minutes (and minutes from seconds) in a statement of time given in numbers : 4:30 p.m.
• the number of the chapter and verse respectively in biblical references : Exodus 3:2.
ORIGIN mid 16th cent. (as a term in rhetoric denoting a section of a complex sentence, or a pause before it): via Latin from Greek kōlon ‘limb, clause.’
colon 2
noun Anatomy
the main part of the large intestine, which passes from the cecum to the rectum and absorbs water and electrolytes from food that has remained undigested. Its parts are called the ascending, transverse, descending, and sigmoid colon.
ORIGIN late Middle English : via Latin from Greek kolon.

My name is Colón, which is different.

Colón |kəˈlōn|
the chief port of Panama, at the Caribbean Sea end of the Panama Canal; pop. 140,900.
colón |kəˈlōn|
noun ( pl. -lones |-ˈlōˌnās|)
the basic monetary unit of Costa Rica and El Salvador, equal to 100 centimos in Costa Rica and 100 centavos in El Salvador.

ORIGIN from Cristóbal Colón, the Spanish name of Christopher Columbus (see Columbus 2 ).

Why do I continue to use a name that is confusing?
Part of it is that I’m just silly. And, well, my married name is DeLay. It’s French, and poses its own set of problems. Delay. Yes,  perhaps I’m the repeated victim of circumstance. This is especially true if colon and delay are put together. Ya know?

And fittingly, this post has constipation…
But, it’s all so you can sit down, relax, and Wait…Wait…wait…

It’s all coming out better now in the end.

So, yeh, if you need a colon cleanser…as you can see, I’m here for you (in a sense).

Incidentally…Thomas Crapper took out nine plumbing patents 1881-1896. Click here for the truth about Crapper (With a name like that, Tom is my reason for some optimism and not taking myself too seriously.)

What do you think…a rose by any other name…blah blah blah???
If you have any “monicker stories”…share away!