Lisa Colón DeLay

Every year some pranks are pulled on April Fool’s Day.

My kids were big into putting a rubber band on the kitchen sink sprayer. They would high five every time I forgot about it. (I let them have their fun and kept it rigged for most of the day, as they were at home on holiday.)

Redbox did a funny and enjoyable one too.

(click for full prank…it’s worth it for the cheese alone!)

I have been so occupied with my obligations of work, family, and grad school that I didn’t get to poke around and see what other pranks were had on a bigger scale.

What did I miss?

Offer some links to your favorites of this year (or any year) and let me know what I missed!

“It’s Christmas, lighten up! You’re such a ‘Debbie Downer‘!” someone said.

(Not to me, but I was in the throes of lament and just stared in shock wondering what would happen next. Would someone throw a punch, or would the named just wither in shame?)

The Joy and Rescue we are given in the Incarnation, celebrated at Christmas, should banish all pains and sorrow…..er….not so fast!

Lament and Joy always seem to pair off together. Strangely so.

Or Maybe not.

Perhaps because one doesn’t make sense without the other. Joy is chased by sorrow, and sorrow by Joy. Anyone with a choke hold on gladness is probably on drugs, uppers, of course. Can the words “choke hold” be paired with gladness?

Well, that’s my point.

I see a lot of pushiness to “bring Christmas back” and be glad because it’s the most wonderful time of the year, but that feels like a choke hold to me.

I need what I need. God will comfort me when I need it, and be in my Joy when that’s where I am. I’m not sure how I’ll feel today or when family pours in and presents go flying.

That’s what time of year it is!

My Debbie Downer Prayer:

Oh, Lord,

Thank you for the gift of your Son in a manger.

Be with me when I don’t feel this joy in my salvation, 

Give me the comfort of your steadfast love.

For those who are tormented, for those who have sorrow or grief,

For those whose burdens and hope deferred are strong enough

To keep under wraps amidst the cheer, be their hope in trail.

Hear their cries and laments

Salve them with your good Spirit 

Be their Shepherd and Deliverer

Show them you love them, whether they feel happy or not.

Amen.
Here’s some Debbie Downer for you.

2 More Things of Note:

THE CADRE. For those of you who’d like a friendship upgrade or a small group of people to help you through your next project, please check out the section above that reads “The Cadre” to find out what’s coming February 2013. It’s already in the works and promises to be 12 months of blessing. Spots are limited, and just a few remain.

To get the heads up about free download days of all my books and other nifty news, once in a while, sign up to my newsletter in the right column.

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas….everywhere you go.

Here’s some things I didn’t think I’d say at Christmastime…

“No! Honey, take little baby Jesus out of your mouth and put him back!”

“Yes, he looks like candy, but keep him in the hay. That’s his bed.”

“No Jesus didn’t eat ham for Christmas dinner, I’m sure of it.”

“I wonder why Santa smells like that.”

“That’s garland. It looks tasty, and yes it’s pretty, but it’s not for eating.”

“Yes, if our house was made of candy we might have more cavities.”

“Does that costume ever get washed?”

“No, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph never rode a train.”

“If I see another man wearing mistletoe on his belt, I think I’m going to freak out.”

“Honey, I don’t know why the girl elf has almost no clothes on when she’s from the north pole. It is weird.”

“No, we won’t be using Raisinets to show that reindeer were nearby.”

“Yes, the woman singing Santa-Baby sounds like a cat. I think that’s on purpose.”

“Santa wasn’t one of the wise men, and he didn’t get anything for baby Jesus’ birthday. That came later.”

“No, The Three Magi is not a group Nikki Minaj was in.”

“Why does that elf look like he’s in the mafia?”

“There was no Round John Burgeon at the stable. He wasn’t a shepherd . It’s ’round yon virgin’, not Round John Burgeon….”

“I don’t know why candy canes stick to the backs of sweaters so much.”

“The angel wasn’t named Harold, and he didn’t have a harp. It’s “Hark, with a “k”, which sort of means “listen”, and it’s “herald” which means “a messenger”…oh nevermind.”

“Yes, sweetie, I know a lot of people do smell like cough medicine at Christmastime.”

 Feel free to add your own in the comments section!

(If you had a chuckle, will you please tweet it up? Spread the good cheer.)

So, why is it that Lemurs look so freaked out? Like, a lot.

Are koala on the other end of the emotional animal spectrum? They are always so Zen, so casual. Sleepy but more than sleepy. Chill. Do the eucalyptus leaves they eat render a cannabis-vibe?

Incidentally, the mouse lemur looks like a combination of the two creatures.

I’ve been feeling like this Lemur looks.
We had an electrical fire, right after we packed it in for trick-or-treat night. It was smoke, sizzling, snaps, and weird burnt smells, and arcing bolts of live electrical current….and then the realization that you cannot put water on such a thing.

We were at the mercy of some stupid, ancient fire extinguisher dated to the Clinton-era.
Bill, that is.
Monica’s Bill.

Trust me. Weird Science is the ONLY time I care to view electricity in “dance-mode”. And even then, I won’t do so without wearing a bra hat in solidarity. It helps in acknowledging power beyond my understanding and control. I’m tempted to wear one in certain worship services. (I keep one in my purse.)

My husband wanted to call the fire department. Volunteers…er Zealots of flame and noise that house their equipment just next door down. Good and decent boys and men who love their beer (sic.) and are quick to respond, and descend in great numbers …but not always appropriately. I shuttered at the thought.

Instead, we selected the “phone-a-friend” option. A seasoned citizen and professional electrician came over at 9:30 pm….surely his favorite way to spend a chilly Wednesday night!

I felt like an all-out Lemur. Nervous, near the brink of extinction, powerless in my surroundings.

I should mention that it ended well. Nothing combusted. No local first-responders were used. No evacuations, premature, or otherwise. Some repair was completed the following day. A leaky kitchen sink pipe had met with some exposed crawl-space wiring. And rodents chew this stuff because? Charges triggered several breakers and melted some stuff. Had we gone to bed without noticing that the kitchen flooring had buckled a little, I might be writing this from a homeless shelter.

Thankful.

This post is related to the hubbub about a alleged artifact from 400 years after Jesus.

Here’s an article of that and some of the new surrounding controversy that will make the validity of such a finding dubious at best. Just when it gets interesting it leaves you with nothing. Much like this whole hullabaloo will.

Discussing that is not the focus of this post.

Also, the image above is not a painting of the first knock-knock joke:

Mary: “Knock-knock”

Voice in tomb: “Who’s there?”

Mary: “Mary…wait…um… you’re not Jesus, you’re an angel. What are you doing in here?!”

Voice in tomb: “Got ‘cha, Mary. Jesus is alive! and he looks a lot like the guy who takes care of this garden.”

The ancient papyrus lines in question (written in Coptic 400 years after Jesus) are in bold below:

The legible lines on the front of the artifact seem to be a conversation between Jesus and his disciples. The fourth line of the text says, “Jesus said to them, my wife.” Line 5 says “… she will be able to be my disciple,” while the line before the “wife” quote has Jesus saying “Mary is worthy of it” and line 7 says, “As for me, I dwell with her in order to …”

So, suppose this scrap contains the actual words of Jesus, could we solve the mystery?

Firstly, for context….remember the “Plank in the eye thing” Jesus said once…well, here’s the thing about that: That was Shtick.

So, maybe this is too.

“Jesus said to them, my wife….I mean, should I forego this dying for humanity stuff, my wife will be a great cook. Ya’ll know I love grilled fish, right?“

or

“…she will be my disciple, and I have a feeling she won’t be as big a pain in the rump as you guys have been.“

or

“Mary is worthy of it. And by “it” I mean R-E-S-P-E-C-T, yo.“

or

“You guys can stay over at Peter’s house, and for my sake, please patch up the roof from the other day. As for me, I dwell with her in order to get some freakin’ peace and quiet. You bicker constantly!“

You probably thought I’d say, “Jesus said to them, my wife…take my wife, please.” right?

NOW—you fill in the blanks. Finish Jesus’ sentences. (It’s not stuff from the Bible, so don’t worry. It’s not sinning if you’re adding text and meaning to a Coptic gag reel.)

Rene Schwietzke via Compfight

Somedays you need to read uplifting or humorous posts to soothe yourself. I GET THAT. Friday seems two weeks away. You and I both know that sometimes we must find a way to laugh so we don’t freak out on someone, or weep uncontrollably into our Dunkin’ Donuts napkin.

This is probably not going to do that for you. But, you can read it, and shoot up a quick prayer thanking God that you aren’t my spouse. So, that’s a pick-me-up.

True Story:

Once I made a horrible driving error. I’m pretty sure it was the one and only time, but I completely cut someone off on the Interstate.

So, I swing into the passing lane and make a guy in a jeep brake and swerve. Panicked, and intolerably stupid, I flee the scene…by intricately weaving through traffic, no less. Maybe if I’m out of sight I can be out of mind too, I think. No, it’s actually more of a pure flight-or-fight response. I was about 7 at the time, and my frontal lobe was under-developed. 

Indeed, it’s all a crescendoing avalanche of foolishness. Incited, a second motorist blows his horn and starts to tail me in a move of solidarity against vehicular injustice. No doubt readying a tall finger for my witness. My NASCAR lane changing moves soon best him, or maybe he realizes a highway fatality is too high a price just to send a hackneyed message.

As I flee I see the victim in my mirror. He’s frothing and out of his mind with rage. He’s waving limbs around in wild fury, gassing it. He’s in hot pursuit. It’s a Jeep thing, maybe.

Now, I’m terrified. I taste the bile in my mouth.

My heart pounding, I realize this all could end very poorly. And soon.

That blaze of glory stuff is an awesome idea until you start thinking about the minutia of funeral arrangements, or wreckage in general. Yes. The poor man swerved to avoid smashing me. Killing both of us. It could have been a horrid pileup too. We truly had eluded death by narrow margins. 14 guardian angels later file grievances. 3 others walk off the job immediately.

Jeep guy was quite good at swerving, actually, and keeps up the swerving through interstate congestion to reach me. Maybe for seconds. Maybe for kilometers. Things are getting weird. A few truckers start honking, to support me, I assume. (They probably notice my professional driving acumen. What 7 year old can draft and weave with such precision? I’m a prodigy. Surely they recognize that. It’s a rush to have their approval. They’re pros after all.)

At this point I realize Mr Jeep guy is going to try to pull some kind of payback stunt. He’s all in. Battle of the Stupid Stunts is the theme of the afternoon, who could blame him? But, he’s jacked up pretty good. I’m in a subcompact. How bad will this get? Does he have a gun? Or, will he keep it simple and just run me off the road with a triumphant fist pump? Will I be late for Girl Scouts?

How is this going to end?

I do some quick thinking. Finally. Thoughts not just reactions. I mentally pat myself on the back as my synapses fire two or maybe three times…in a row with no problems!

Actually, I stopped breathing for 8 minutes.

They say necessity is the mother of invention, right? Well, it is. I am inventing a solution with  an unfettered brain buzz. Also impending death can be a good motivator for invention.

I do the only thing I think will hit the reset button. Yes. I know there’s no real reset button. Curse you, Staples! Or Vanilla Sky…

I decide on the element of SURPRISE!

Indeed, I just surprised him quite a bit by nearly snuffing out his life.

Yet, this is precisely why he will never see a second surprise coming. Really, I have him right were I want him.

(If only the roaring terror in my brain had let me enjoy that precious moment. Alas, no. Not at all.)

I enact my own creative SEAL 6 black ops tactic I now call: Operation Boo-hoo.

It’s go time!

I burst into tears.

I cry.

Sob, really.
Or, I pretend to.

Who has the time to cry at such a high rate of speed, in heavy traffic before they’re about to be murdered in an act of heedless revenge? Me neither.

Armed with a fistful of tissues I wipe my eyes and feign bawling. A lot. He approaches in haste. From me: Zero eye contact.

Peripherally, I see him. He edges up to my blind spot. He’s poised. He peers. He notices me. He witnesses total hysteria. …and then…mercifully… backs off. (Perhaps I turned into a 3 gallon bucket of mess and he only has a 2 gallon bucket that day.)

Yes, I counted on his attitude changing once he thought something else was going on with me.

Shock and bawl.

I was going for, “Wha….?” 
Is it Grief? remorse? madness? sorrow? a lost puppy?
Whatever…let me just say it worked. Perfectly.

I rewarded myself with a new box of Kleenex…with aloe.
I’m not sure why I wasn’t armed with aloe tissues in the first place. But, never again.
Because that would be crazy.

Hey, have a happy day.

P.S. (I might have not been 7 years old at the time.)

So, I shut my finger in the door. “Tallman” to be precise. Thumbkin fled the scene and is not taking questions.

As is the case in too many of my injuries it happened when I was trying to do something good…in this case I was taking out a piece of recycling.

“No good deed goes unpunished,” some say. The worst instance for me was when I was bowling for charity…I re-injured my knee by dislocating the kneecap part to a place it never belonged. Getting carried out of a bowl alley also has its own special kind of humiliation. That was an expensive bowling match that ended in surgery for me.

I’m going to try to find the humor in this far less devastating event.

5 Things You Learn When You Get a Purple Finger

1. The thump thump throbbing finger thing you learned from cartoons is exceedingly real. Darn you Fred Flintstone for making it look trite!

2. The finger known formally as “Ringman” gets an instant promotion. “Go Ringman. Go Ringman!”

3. A lot of middle-aged women and girls under the age of 7 like the color purple, but prefer it in a blouse.

4. “You must be glad it’s not your dominant hand,” is not a sympathetic enough phrase to tell someone with an injury. This is especially true when it’s coming from a spouse.

5. A doorknob as a specific purpose and function. Use it wisely.

Photo Credit: Felix Neumann via Compfight 

For the last 4 days I’ve been living with my husband, son, and daughter in a rustic cabin. Camping they call it.

Here are 5 things I learned:

1. Campers come in two classes: The Haves and The Have Nots.

The have nots are trying to scrimp on vacation costs, enjoy the outdoors, and try not to get eaten alive by insects…or get heat stroke. (That’s where you’ll find us.)

The haves perk out with things like air conditioning, satellite tv, shower/bath, running water, microwaves, and so on…and so on. I’ve decided that they’re sissies with money.

2. A 9 foot black snake can make a quick exit even with its head half lopped off. (The backstory is too long for this format. But, yes, I had a few nightmares.)

3. When you are camping eating Ice Cream 2-3 times per day seems normal, if not obligatory.

4. A shower at the camp washhouse leaves you feeling wonderfully fresh and clean! …for 49 seconds, no make that 4 to 9 seconds.

5. People who camp with dogs and loud people should be sequestered to their own camping island…about ten miles away. Downwind. And Downstream.

What have YOU learned through camping?

I’m honored to be featured at Thom Turner’s blog today!

My contribution concerns prayers of desperation and covers a bit of spiritual formation. I haven’t posted too many prayers, so if you have a moment, I’d appreciate your comments or feedback, below or over there.

Article Link.

Photo Credit: Martin Sharman via Compfight

Originally The Muses refer to nine goddesses in Greek mythology who control and symbolize nine types of art known to Ancient Greece. As daughters of Zeus and Mnemosyne (memory personified) Muses are associated with artistic inspiration. It’s actually a rather clever pairing The Divine & Memory…a kind of divine memory or “remembering the divine nature of being creative” perhaps. Note the word used within “amuse”, “museum”, “music”, and “musing upon” still carry a bit of this in their meanings.

What I appreciate about the idea of Muses in association with creativity and inspiration is the notion that brilliance is not sourced in us. Instead by careful listening and doing the work we join up with something transcendent as we engage in creative pursuits.

This serves as a needed inoculation from the perils of both failure and success. Creative types…and by that I mean me (and maybe you)…are notoriously melancholy and can succumb to discouragement when we assume too much responsibility for our creative endeavors. When some of the pressure is off we do better.

Have you heard from your Muse lately?
What are you most proud of creatively?

Photo Credit: Bruce Denis via Compfight

As a kid I loved cracker jacks. It wasn’t for the coated popcorn, it was for the experience of finding a surprise. I hunted down the peanuts and the toy surprise straightaway. My hands would get sticky scrounging toward the bottom of the box, but it was worth the effort–even if the humidity made the box soft and the popcorn a untied front against me. The real jackpot was when I scored some water-based sailor tattoos. An anchor or a heart that read “mom” and had an arrow shot through it.

Inspiration and Creativity have a lot to do with finding the “toy inside the moment”. Locating the surprise. We get lazy about this sometimes. We stop looking. Don’t we?

Here are 5 ways to disrupt the ordinary to find the surprise at the bottom of the box you’re in right now.

1. Eagle’s eye – worm’s eye.
What did this look like from somewhere else? Change your perspective, maybe even your actual physical perspective. If you still can’t tell, ask around.

2. Kiddie Ride it.
How might a child approach the situation in terms of curiosity, wonder, or even naiveté? You’re familiarity with your situation may be too stifling to find surprises. A breakthrough can come when we treasure hunt for wonder. And by the way, cynicism kills wonder.

3. Stew it.
Have you noticed how some things come to their fullest potential after they mull or stew for a while? This applies to more than food. Try a slow cooker  approach: First write down your concerns and obstacles, and then fully set aside your situation or dilemma for 2 or 3 days. Give your unconscious mind time to simmer on things. Rest, work on something new, and absorb beauty in art or nature. Then, encounter your situation again nice and fresh. Jot out your new ideas before you get out your list, and then you’ll uncover some surprises. It’s like shaking the box to get the goodies to shift.

4. Play
When was the last time you were lost in joy? Let yourself really enjoy something for the fun of it without worry. Something simple, like when you were young and carefree. Cease the day and suck the marrow out of life. It could be the mental break you truly need to find the primo surprise.

5. Shhh
Are you pulled in a bunch of different directions? Media, relationships, obligations, work, projects, and commitments can make finding the good surprises all but impossible. Unplug. Turn down the “life noise” for several uninterrupted hours. You’ll start to feel human again, and that’s important. You can’t discover surprises in a mosh pit atmosphere, right?

What was the last thing that surprised you in a good way?

Photo Credit: Fabio Pierboni via Compfight (brothel menu)

On Sunday, I heard someone say, “Sometimes when I pray, I don’t feel anything.”

Has this happened to you? It has for me.
There’s no magic. It’s like talking to the wall.

“Blah blah blah. meh.”

Sometimes we approach prayer and other spiritual practices with certain expectations, right? We want an experience or we hope for some immediate return for our effort. It shouldn’t be dull, we think. It shouldn’t be lifeless.

In trying to connect with God we wonder if it’s really a two way street.

Maybe it’s the same thing we wonder in our other relationships. Am I doing all the rowing on this boat?

In this, I’m reminded of the lessons from my seminary professor who made a point to tell us that Yahweh switched things up on his people–most of the time. No victory was won the same way twice. Was God pushing the limits of their expectations? Probably.

I wonder if these variances happened precisely because God is personal. I wonder if God is always the same by way of consistently changing: A characteristic of a living God and ongoing relationship. Usually personal beings resist manipulation, right?

What happens when we want something to be predictable…a sure thing? A wife and a prostitute can do the same horizontal function, but there’s something about doing it for cash changes the whole thing…a lot, I assume. The latter is less a relationship and more of a phlegmatic transaction with the veneer of allure. The outcome is very predictable. Hence, relationship as a commodity has a dehumanizing (or depersonalizing) consequence. (Refer to the above image posted outside a brothel. It’s a menu.)

Isn’t it spiritually healthier for us when God shows us that he’s not coin operated or predictable, but rather relational and multifaceted? We wouldn’t want to be treated like a vending machine either, so maybe it makes sense that God would “keep things fresh”. Strangely, God risks frustrating us to foster growth.

If you’re feeling like you’re “praying to the wall” lately, realize that you are the verge of a growth-enhancing switcheroo…better named: a new movement of the divine. Be on the look out for it.

Oh, and when you spot it then it’ll change again soon.

Through this God shows us that he’s intricate and personal, not static and mechanized. He draws us into something deeper. He gives us something for an advancement of faith, sight unseen.

Where are you right now?
On the verge of change or knee-deep in a fresh one?

Thoughts or comments?

(click for source)

Cool cats used to say, “See you on the flipside.” Apparently when you flip a day onto its back you get another day, not the nighttime.

A cat (yes, I’m talking felines now) works the same way. If you flip a cat over it doesn’t hit its backside, but it’s flipside. The right side. The same side it should be on. A dog? Forget it. It’s a trip to animal hospital.

The flipside of a coin doesn’t work the same as a cat. The flipside of the coin is the other side. It’s the head or the tail: the opposite. Most people want money and not cats.

Is the flipside like the Kingdom of God?

I went to my first Special Olympics to cheer on my son in the swimming event. Backstroke and freestyle. I saw the flipside. The Kingdom of God is like the Special Olympics. Those who are always last in life get a chance to be first. It’s actually fierce competition, in case you’re wondering.

Athletes train for months. 70% of the swimmers would have bested me in the pool despite possessing Downs Syndrome, mental retardation, autism, and so forth. Counted out in every other point, but no more. It was a day of winning and accomplishment.

Athletes are grouped according to skill level, and sometimes, age. Poor swimming form meets with disqualification. Did you get that? You can be disqualified! I was stunned.

So, not everyone gets a medal in S.O.? Nope. Only one athlete gets first place. This makes the victory legit. A first place medal really means something. It really means #1. It really gives an athlete something to fully celebrate and gives a family something to truly cheer about.

The huge difference between the Special Olympics and the typical Olympics and most other sporting events, is that each athlete is treated like a winner. Everyone is acknowledged. No one is a loser. No one puts a mic in their face and says, “What went wrong?” If one flounders in the water…well, like a cat…one still gets a participation ribbon. Everyone is accepted no matter how they do.

This is how we can enact the Kingdom of God right now. Find someone who’s usually last. Economically, socially, culturally, mentally, and then find a way to make them first, to offer and enact true acceptance. It’s the flipside. It’s the righted way of the world as God’s wants it to be.

Will I see you on the flipside?

What are some ideas to reveal the Kingdom of God flipside?

winner

Kevin makes me laugh at his isle of man blog, so I invited him to post here. Enjoy!

BIO: Kevin Haggerty is a 32-year old husband and expecting father. He runs and writes for a humor blog called TheIsleOfMan.Net. For his full-time job, Kevin is a middle school teacher and basketball coach. He also writes for a mixed martial arts (MMA) blog called MMAMania.com. He’s the oldest of seven children, a continual skeptic and smart people think he’s funny (at least that’s what he tells himself).

The Day I Fell Down a Mountain

When I was a freshman in college, I sucked at being a student.

In high school, I graduated with honors. I worked hard, but nothing else was an option. Being the oldest of seven kids (which doesn’t give you the right to ask me if my parents like to have sex…so don’t), a lot was expected of me. I generally lived up to those expectations, but it took its toll.

By the time I got to college, I was completely burned out on studying, reading and being a student, in general. To give you some perspective, I went from a 3.9 high school GPA to a 1.8 freshman average.

My parents weren’t there to spur me on. No one got in my face when I failed a test. No one jerked the covers off of me when I slept pass my alarm clock. I was learning how to be an adult, and I was failing the course badly.

I wasn’t kidding. I sucked at being a student.

Everything culminated on one fateful day. The end of my first semester was nearing a close. We were in the middle of finals week. I had a History exam that morning. I needed to do well.

In high school, I coasted through History, like I did with most of my classes. I memorized the material and never really stretched any mental muscles. It was easy. I was barely trying.

College presented me with a whole new set of obstacles I’d never encountered before. Specifically, I had a History professor who had a very unique take on U.S. History. He taught us things I’d never heard before. In retrospect, I’m not even sure he was wrong, but it was unorthodox and outside the box. I had to really think in his class.

I hated it.

Back to the exam.

I woke up, in a panicked cold sweat, looking at my alarm clock to see that it was 7:50 a.m. Why is that a big deal? Because the exam was at 8.

I freaked.

I threw on the nearest school appropriate attire I could find in my disgusting mess of a dorm room and darted out the door.

I wasn’t walking. I wasn’t even jogging. There was no time for that. If I missed this exam, I’d fail the course. That was simply unacceptable. I had to make it. So I sprinted.

Did I mention it snowed the night before?

Well, it did. Not only did it snow, but the ground iced over. To further complicate matters, my dorm was situated on top of a steep hill. Are you starting to get the picture?

I could have gone down the stair cas

e. They’d even salted it. That would have been the smart move, but I was late. I had no time for stairs.

I stupidly maneuvered through the bushes that led down the slope of the hill. This was the shortcut we always took when we needed to get to the academic buildings faster.

I got there fast alright. Oh, did I ever.

As I ran through the bushes, I was greeted with a fresh patch of ice that caused my feet to betray me and fly in the air. I was literally head over heels. I continued my clumsy descent down the hillside, which stretched a good 100 or so feet. When I emerged from my adventure,

But I had an exam to take, so I got up, brushed myself off and continued to run like an idiot to the academic building.

As I endeavored on towards the door of the classroom, I saw the professor closing the door. If he shut it, he’d lock it. If he locked it, he would not unlock it. This was a series of events I could allow to occur.

So I ramped up my speed to “overdrive.” Luckily, I was able to grace the doorway before he had completely shut the door. More luckily, he allowed me to enter.

I don’t even remember how I did on the test. I think I did alright, and I passed the class. Regardless, that whole episode was part of my growth as a student.

I realized something very important that day. That wasn’t who I wanted to be. That wasn’t how I wanted to spend the rest of my college career. I needed to step my game up, and it took falling down a mountain to really gain the necessary perspective.

Has life ever used an icy hillside to get your attention?

Click to read my article at the Burnside Writer’s Collective.

Question of the Day: Do You Enjoy Jazz….Why or Why not?

OKAY!
This is my favorite ebook review so far…

Lisa – Great work! It isn’t often that a writer can encourage the creative spirit, facilitate engagement with the Holy Spirit, and bitch-slap a mogul of the Christian writing industry all in one book!
-Dr. Doug Jackson

Well, my reader friends, that’s quite a synopsis.
See if you can best that one!

Bitch-slap may be a bit profuse…I’d say noogie.

The great thing about my (LIMITED TIME read for FREE) ebook is that it’s MUCH cheaper than a McLobster Meal and much better for you, especially in swimsuit season!

(It’s just $2.99 NOW FREE HERE and I’m not sure if the McLobster is still available.) 

Want to read the first 20 pages before you click or sign up? Here you go!

(Click here to order.) 
But Remember, Subscribers get a discount. For that, go here:

What are others saying…

Creatives and givers and you, the one who needs to refill your [creative] mojo. Check out this sweet deal.    

-Jenn Luitwieler

Frustrated? Writer’s Block? Creativity Stifled? Lisa has solutions.
-Thom Turner

This is incredible- a huge weight off my shoulders. So thanks, Lisa! Soul Care V1 is phenomenal, can’t wait to see the rest :-)
-Ally Clendineng

Download Lisa’s Soul Care for Creators today. Beautiful design and wise words:
-Ed Cyzewski

Thanks Lisa, too, for all you do to pull together good resources & encouraging stuff for people.
-Kathy Escobar

Bravo! So thrilled to have these resources for creatives and communicators from Lisa.
-Sarah Bessey

…NOW the question of the day…
Would you eat a McLobster sandwich?

The whole collection of 5 Volumes is here on KINDLE.
(For a brief description click the volume number)

Volume 1: What is the Soul? & What is Soul Care?
Volume 2: Identity and Belonging
Volume 3: The 8 Paths of Learning
Volume 4: Slumps, Burnout, and Frustration
Volume 5: God’s Grand Story (I saved the best for last)

Enter the proverbial vehicle analogy:
When a car runs out of gas it doesn’t mean the car is abnormal, it just means that it needs the maintenance of being filled up regularly. Your “soul tank” empties out too. This Series gives you what you need to be a healthy and joyful message-bearer.

Here’s a video introduction to Volume 5, with a whimsical homage to author and influencer, Donald Miller.

If you have any problems with ordering, let me know!

(brief comic interlude)

Top 10 Books Christians Didn’t Write

1. Crazy Pug: Overwhelmed by a Relentless Dog -by Francis Chan

2. Jesus Calling and Texting: Enjoying the Piece of His Mind Quite a Bit -by Sarah Young

3. Outlive Your Wife: You Were Meant to Make a Different 2nd Marriage -by Max Lucado

4. Stuff Christians Hike: Christians meet Nature -by Jon Acuff

5. When Vaginas are Ineffable: How My Privates Became Public -by Rachel Held Evans

6. Heaven is for Reel: A Little Boy’s Lucrative Story of a Trip to Hollywood and Back -by Todd Burpo (Not far-fetched. Check this Sony Picture’s article.)

I’ve saved the best volumes for last. If you liked the others, you’ll be the happiest May 10th. If you haven’t read the others, you’re in for a treat, and soon.

Here’s more about Volumes 4 & 5:

VOLUME 4: Slumps, Burnouts, and Frustration

This details the instigators, root causes, and symptoms of our 3 big foes as Creators and Communicators. Some symptoms are so insidious or camouflaged that you haven’t noticed them. You’ll be surprised. An audible gasp is a distinct possibility.

You’ll be challenged. You’ll be shown how to take a special kind of inventory that’ll take the teeth out of these monsters that stand like obstacles to our calling and abundant life.

Beyond that, we’ll cover jump start action steps to keep you encouraged and progressing. It’s like sucking down pure Oxygen. mmm!

VOLUME 5: God’s Grand Story

This is the piéce de résistance for Creators and Communicators.

Risking some scorn among zealous Donald Miller’s devotees, I ask readers to look beyond our individual micro-stories.

We’ll uncover the Meta-Narrative of God’s Grand Story witnessed in the whole council of God, the stories therein, and within our unique life experiences. Here God, not us, is the Star….and in every scene.

(Note: I too loved Blue Like Jazz and other non Religious Christian Spirituality stuff Don’s written, just like everyone else. But I’ve sense a change with Miller’s approach. I’m not convinced that life-mapping strategies, tracking software, and yearlong Storyline memberships get to the marrow of what it is to be human.)

Absorbing the 4 themes explained in Volume 5 gives much-needed perspective, comfort, encouragement, and hope to meet our needs better than formulas ever can.

Note that the 4 adjectives in bold harken to the 4 themes, but do not yet reveal them! A blatant gambit to arouse you. Please, I have to let this thirst build, okay? Listen to me. You’ll love this volume.

The Launch Pad of Vol. 5:
To those of you who’ve combed 500+ page theological tomes, it follows the canonical-liguistic theological approach with one crucial amendment.

To those of you who have not trudged through the tedious works of scholar theologians…most of you…I unpack some heady academic treatise material into snappy language and keen usability that even Sarah Palin could understand and apply, before she shoots her morning Elk. You bet ‘cha!

Any questions? What are you curious about? Let me know.

Buy it at AMAZON for KINDLE. (There will be some days that you can get it for free. Nov 12&13 are the first days for that)

We need each other!

95 pages of goodness!

VOLUMES 1-3
This collection reads fast…like tv…and covers the topics:

• “What is the Soul? & What is Soul Care?”

This premise-building volume gets us to track from the same point onward. That fact is you and I need Soul Care, and we need it now. I’ll explain why.

•  Identity and Belonging

We deal with core needs. This targets how to find your place in this world and in your calling of creating and message-bearing. Without our bearings we’ll get off-track and discouraged. This important message is one you don’t want to miss.

•  The 8 Paths of Learning 

• Utilize the paths for your own growth. Progress faster and better.

• Guide others in a well-rounded process of knowledge and development

• Fresh insights and information on the learning paths you already use

• A potent approach to synthesizing and assimilating learning to produce transformation

Written in a way to amuse and designed in a visual format that reads as fast as tv. You won’t get bogged down and it’s all.

Find it at AMAZON here.

What a flurry of activity in the last 10 days! The get-the-word-out pre-release giveaway has wrapped up! Thank you for participating!

Tomorrow is the release of Volumes 1-3
[Soul Care for Creators and Communicators Series].

A special thanks to my generous master editor: The fantastic Dr. Doug Jackson. His charity was  labor of love. My writer friends in the Bloggers Series were immensely supportive too. (Click here to read their fine contributions.)

VOLUMES 1-3
This collection reads fast…like tv…and covers the topics:

• “What is the Soul? & What is Soul Care?”

This premise-building volume gets us to track from the same point onward. That fact is you and I need Soul Care, and we need it now. I’ll explain why.

•  Identity and Belonging

We deal with core needs. This targets how to find your place in this world and in your calling of creating and message-bearing. Without our bearings we’ll get off-track and discouraged. This important message is one you don’t want to miss.
•  The 8 Paths of Learning 

• Utilize the paths for your own growth. Progress faster and better.

• Guide others in a well-rounded process of knowledge and development

• Fresh insights and information on the learning paths you already use

• A potent approach to synthesizing and assimilating learning to produce transformation

Written in a way to amuse and designed in a visual format that reads as fast as tv. You won’t get bogged down and it’s all FREE:

Volumes 1-3 come to you for zilch when you sign up here.
(or with the widget in the sidebar)

A subscription also entitles you to a sweet discount on the entire 5 Volume collection arriving on May 10th. More info on that May 8th.

• BONUS CONTENT
Subscribers also receive an appendage volume plus a visual resource chart (titled Volume 3.5) that introduces the 5 Learning Styles of the Soul and explains their nature and practical applications. Some stellar photos come with that too.

My friends with creative minds and hearts yearning to bear good news…Help is on the way! Check back tomorrow for the unveiling.

Here’s a sort video that explains the Series.
(All you Sesame Street fans may enjoy the comedic tribute.)

See you tomorrow!

Photo Credit: M Sullivan via Compfight

Several thousand people arrive at my blog each month because of Ligers.

But maybe you’ve noticed that this isn’t a blog about Ligers. Actually, I rarely feature any big cats, or animals of any kind.

But for the magic of SEO, and Google, they come, massive web traffic, visitors in search of Liger related who-knows-what. If you google “name the liger” I’ll be the first entry.

People want to know if they’re real, or if Napoleon Dynamite was on to something about their skillz in magic. Maybe they want to see one up close. The Myrtle Beach Wildlife Reserve had a baby liger they were showing off, so boom! Liger fans. It’s all been a big flippin’ mistake…

Truth be told, I like Ligers. There’re pretty much my favorite animal. Back in 2010, on a lark I decided that a Liger would be a nice mascot here. After all, I’m a mixed breed myself. I popped up a post about it. “Name the Liger” I said. And still they come.

Lots of useless traffic…Or was it?

Instead of staying frustrated by this feline epic #fail, or even….well…you know being embarrassed by all the ligerish corniness, I decided employ some “Liger Leverage”.

See? They’re magic after all.

I just repurposed the post. In a spirit of general generosity, I worked on giving people something they were looking for.

I linked to the news some readers no doubt wanted about the wildlife reserve, I added some Liger info, and linked to a helpful resource with detailed information and stats on these and other hybrid felines. And I also added an invitation for [errant] visitors to poke around the rest of the site…you know for other flipping’ sweet stuff.

Guess what? In just two weeks, my bounce rate dipped about 35%! (That’s the stat that shows that people notice they’ve gone to the wrong place and click away quickly.) I might have even gained some regular readers.

Are people visiting your blog for the wrong reasons?
It turns out you can redeem the mistake. Use Liger Leverage!

Kathy Escobar is a plucky spiritual formation-minded woman bearing God’s message…and she has a great time in the process. What a kindred spirit! Enjoy her contribution. How could you not, right?

Kathy co-pastors the refuge, an eclectic beautiful faith community in north Denver, juggles 5 kids & an awesome husband, advocates friends in hard places, and is a trained spiritual director who loves to teach and facilitate events, workshops, and groups.

Be Yourself. Everyone Else is Taken
-by Kathy Escobar 

“Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken” – Oscar Wilde

I first discovered what a “blog” was in 2006, when we planted The Refuge, the wild little faith community I am part of.  Honestly, I had never heard the word before; I had been immersed in a hectic ministry role that was very insulated from the wider church conversation and I just wasn’t online.  This transition from mega-church to small-church-plant was a messy one for me.  I was in a lot of pain from my experience, so I reached out online after stumbling across some blogs while searching for church website ideas.  I felt an instant and immediate sense of relief when I discovered I wasn’t crazy, and I wasn’t alone in some of my feelings.  I found others with similar stories & similar church dreams.

The men and women I read were honest, bold, raw, and pure.

They weren’t selling anything, trying to push their agenda, or attempting to make-people-come-over-to-their-way-of-thinking.

Rather, they just told their stories.  Shared their experiences. Responded to other people’s comments with simple kindness and respect. And above all, they remained honest about what they were wrestling with and learning along the way.

Reading their blogs gave me hope.

They inspired me.

They pointed me toward God (even when they were wrestling with God).

They challenged me to think.

January 1, 2008, I started my own blog and dedicated myself to two simple commitments:

1. Write as honestly and purely as I could without editing or trying to worry about what other people might think.

2. Write once a week for one year.

It’s been a wild ride, and I have learned so much through the process over the past 4 years.

Out of everything, I think blogging has helped me learn to become more comfortable in my own skin, with my own voice, with who I am.

I think that is a very holy and sacred experience on our spiritual journey–learning to find safety and security in who we really are.  

Not who someone else is.

Not who we think we should be.

But in who we are.

I am someone who has always struggled with the message that I wasn’t enough somehow–not spiritual enough, not quiet enough, not domestic enough, not skinny enough, not organized enough, not-whatever-enough.

Blogging definitely intersected with this message, initially making it even worse.

In the first few years of my blog, I had so much internal anxiety about not being good enough, funny enough, theological enough, wise enough, or concise enough.   Whatever “enough” it was, I wasn’t.

But something began to shift in the past several years as I continued to find my voice and become more comfortable in my own skin out here.

I began to realize that the world doesn’t need another _________ or __________ or __________ (Insert name of any bloggers you are jealous of, and my guess is they are wrestling with similar feelings and go a little psycho about the same insecurities).

What’s missing is me.

Not because without me the world would stop spinning or the blogosphere would come to a screeching halt.

But because everyone else is taken.  

I think God wants us to learn how to become comfortable in our own skin, to be who-we-are, and not try to become someone else.

Blogging is a great place to practice this.

Making peace with who-we-are requires the ongoing-work-of-the-Holy-Spirit.  I doubt and question it all of the time.  I obsess before I hit “publish” and freak out about not being more like ______ or _______ (insert name of other blogger also obsessing about the same thing).

I need God’s help to remind me:  “Um, Kathy, just so you know, in the big scheme of things, it’s just a blog post.  And one other thing:  it’s a great place to practice just being you–with all your strengths & all your weaknesses.  Just you.”

And then I hit “publish” and take a deep breath and am reminded yet again, this is what transformation looks and feels like.

This is how we get more comfortable in our own skin.    This is how we learn to offer ourselves grace.  This is how we become “us” and not someone else.

Yikes, it’s hard to learn!   But blogging is a great spiritual practice that can help integrate this important truth into deep places in our hearts.

Yeah, my spiritual guidance for all us bloggers is this:  Be ourselves.  Everyone else is taken.

Photo Credit: Jay via Compfight

The following list of 6 is semi-humorous and/or satire:

The first 6 of 12 Ways to Spike Blog Hits

• Say “vagina”. (It doesn’t even have to relate to the rest of the post. Just wave the it around. The word, that is, not anything else. Wait! What did you think I meant? And also a shout out to Rachel Held Evans who’s keeping things vaginal. The word picked her, actually, and she’s a good sport despite the monkey business. Get it?)

• Threaten Violence. (This is especially powerful if the sentiment is violent but the reference is farcical. You come out smelling better this way too. Pretty even.)

• Disclose something sexual, or promise to.

• Be angry and let a rant loose. (Have you seen the 1st Harry Potter? Do what he did at the zoo, just with your words…obviously.)

• Feed people lurking around for controversy. (Stick to newsy bits, disputes, scandals, injustice, corruption, you get the idea. There are many prowling for this, so really, it’s SO Money.)

• Post about something sordid, or be a punk. (Titillate. Be explicit, rude, foul-mouthed, try adult-themes, sexual content, unhealthy habits, dangerous stuff, immoral activities, etc. Hello, bad ass.)

Many readers give in to their worst or weakest appetites. That’s just the facts.

These next 6 are the ones I endorse. They won’t get you the same sorts of quick spikes, but they will build a loyal and good-natured readership over a longer term.

They also have quite a but to do with generosity.

The last 6 of 12 Ways to Spike Blog Hits
(and by “spike” I mean not that at all, probably)

• Thank others openly (Ed Cyzewski does this well. Thank you, Ed, for teaching me a lot here.)

• Be a credible resource or niche expert (I’ve mentioned my new niche here.)

• Be humorous, amusing, or feature those who are. (Remember this fruity Bert & Ernie classic? …What? I can’t hear you?…What a duo! I plan to “hat tip” this in an upcoming video.)

• Invite others into your limelight (Guest contributors are one way. So, Call me. By that, I mean tweet me.)

• Share your lists of favorites (It’s win-win. Alise Wright does this well.)

• Link up with great causes (Here’s a new favorite of mine: The Good Woman Project)

If you learned something here today, do one of the last 6, k?

Ray’s pastoral sensibilities and daily high-quality blog content make him one of my favorites. I’m so glad that he’s our guest contributor today. Ray has some wise words for us, so pay attention. (And BTW Ray, I only use 3 names as my pen name. There are at least two other Lisa DeLays out there, and I owe them the gift of not being associated with my shenanigans!)

Hey, friends, don’t miss other upcoming contributors in this Series. Get the feed burner  email delivery, or the RSS linkup.

The Christian Blogger’s Alchemy
-by Ray Hollenbach

About two years ago a well-known Christian contemporary singer came out as a lesbian. In a moment of what I mistook for inspiration, I wrote 700 words and hit the POST button on my blog. Overnight I received 20-times the page views I normally received. I woke up two days later with the blogger’s equivalent of hangover and the guilt from a one-night stand. My blog is supposed to be about spiritual formation: what did my opinions about someone else’s sexuality have to do with becoming a student of Jesus?

I had discovered Christian blogger’s alchemy: take a red-hot topic, add the name of a famous person (two famous people if you can), and add a sprinkle of holy Jesus words. Mix in Twitter and Facebook, then lean back and check Google Analytics hourly. It was a drunken, orgasmic blogger’s rush. What I didn’t know was that each page view clicked away a little bit of my soul. The new flood of traffic was the mess of pottage for which Esau sold his birthright.

It’s easy. In the past month you needed only write about Trayvon Martin, Mark Driscoll, Westboro Baptist Church, Obamacare in order to achieve mega-blogger status. Just check whatever is trending on Twitter or the Huffington Post, add a few borderline risqué words, a bit of righteous indignation, and heartfelt spirituality. “Heartfelt” is optional.

Lisa Colon Delay, the girl with three names, has given us a gift by starting this series, Spiritual Guidance for Bloggers. Sadly, Richard Foster and Dallas Willard were busy, so you’re stuck with me today. Here is my guidance:

It’s really about you: When we think we are discussing one topic, we are actually discussing another–ourselves. Blogging caters to the powerful urge for self disclosure. That’s why I throw away half of what I write. I’m too ugly, too mean-spirited for general consumption. I need to filter me. If I’m going to be honest, I should drive it home a little deeper: you need to filter you, too.

We would rather examine anyone else’s heart other than our own: Does it strike you odd that we can read one news item about a high-profile Christian celebrity and immediately have the ability to discern the intentions of their heart? This one is a bully, that one is a megalomaniac, and that other one must be called into account at all costs. I would give up my mighty blogging empire to read just one post where a blogger says, “Pastor Moneybags is a jerk, but why am I so upset about it?” Have you ever sent an email to the person you blogged about? How about sending a draft of your post to Pastor Moneybags and ask for his response? Would you be willing to wait for an answer? Deep down, we want others to understand our good intentions–why are we so quick to impugn the heart-intentions of others?

Criticism is easy, praise is hard: Let’s face it: there are plenty of easy targets out there. It says nothing about our marksmanship to shoot at something as big as barn ten feet in front of us. When we read “Love covers a multitude of sins,” have we ever applied Peter’s words to the other guy? Especially the church. Talk about an easy target. The church is filled with hypocrites and idiots. The church is enough to drive God himself crazy. Yet Jesus is passionately in love with the church. Why do we have grace for pagan terrorists and godless child molesters but cannot tolerate the fact that the church is filled with people just like us?

I could go on (I mean really, really go on), but here are a few mini-rants:

Page views don’t mean squat: At last count LMFAO’s Sexy and I Know It had 225 million page views.

The passage you should tape on your computer: Proverbs 10:19

Read Chapter Nine of C.S. Lewis’ Reflection on the Psalms: You can thank me later.

The Hollenbach Twitter commandment: RT others five times more than you promote your own blog.

Most Important: Read http://StudentsofJesus.com every day.

Bio:

Ray, a Chicagoan, writes about faith and culture. He currently lives in central Kentucky, which is filled with faith and culture. You can check out his work at studentsofjesus.com