Lisa Colón DeLay

Rene Schwietzke via Compfight

Somedays you need to read uplifting or humorous posts to soothe yourself. I GET THAT. Friday seems two weeks away. You and I both know that sometimes we must find a way to laugh so we don’t freak out on someone, or weep uncontrollably into our Dunkin’ Donuts napkin.

This is probably not going to do that for you. But, you can read it, and shoot up a quick prayer thanking God that you aren’t my spouse. So, that’s a pick-me-up.

True Story:

Once I made a horrible driving error. I’m pretty sure it was the one and only time, but I completely cut someone off on the Interstate.

So, I swing into the passing lane and make a guy in a jeep brake and swerve. Panicked, and intolerably stupid, I flee the scene…by intricately weaving through traffic, no less. Maybe if I’m out of sight I can be out of mind too, I think. No, it’s actually more of a pure flight-or-fight response. I was about 7 at the time, and my frontal lobe was under-developed. 

Indeed, it’s all a crescendoing avalanche of foolishness. Incited, a second motorist blows his horn and starts to tail me in a move of solidarity against vehicular injustice. No doubt readying a tall finger for my witness. My NASCAR lane changing moves soon best him, or maybe he realizes a highway fatality is too high a price just to send a hackneyed message.

As I flee I see the victim in my mirror. He’s frothing and out of his mind with rage. He’s waving limbs around in wild fury, gassing it. He’s in hot pursuit. It’s a Jeep thing, maybe.

Now, I’m terrified. I taste the bile in my mouth.

My heart pounding, I realize this all could end very poorly. And soon.

That blaze of glory stuff is an awesome idea until you start thinking about the minutia of funeral arrangements, or wreckage in general. Yes. The poor man swerved to avoid smashing me. Killing both of us. It could have been a horrid pileup too. We truly had eluded death by narrow margins. 14 guardian angels later file grievances. 3 others walk off the job immediately.

Jeep guy was quite good at swerving, actually, and keeps up the swerving through interstate congestion to reach me. Maybe for seconds. Maybe for kilometers. Things are getting weird. A few truckers start honking, to support me, I assume. (They probably notice my professional driving acumen. What 7 year old can draft and weave with such precision? I’m a prodigy. Surely they recognize that. It’s a rush to have their approval. They’re pros after all.)

At this point I realize Mr Jeep guy is going to try to pull some kind of payback stunt. He’s all in. Battle of the Stupid Stunts is the theme of the afternoon, who could blame him? But, he’s jacked up pretty good. I’m in a subcompact. How bad will this get? Does he have a gun? Or, will he keep it simple and just run me off the road with a triumphant fist pump? Will I be late for Girl Scouts?

How is this going to end?

I do some quick thinking. Finally. Thoughts not just reactions. I mentally pat myself on the back as my synapses fire two or maybe three times…in a row with no problems!

Actually, I stopped breathing for 8 minutes.

They say necessity is the mother of invention, right? Well, it is. I am inventing a solution with  an unfettered brain buzz. Also impending death can be a good motivator for invention.

I do the only thing I think will hit the reset button. Yes. I know there’s no real reset button. Curse you, Staples! Or Vanilla Sky…

I decide on the element of SURPRISE!

Indeed, I just surprised him quite a bit by nearly snuffing out his life.

Yet, this is precisely why he will never see a second surprise coming. Really, I have him right were I want him.

(If only the roaring terror in my brain had let me enjoy that precious moment. Alas, no. Not at all.)

I enact my own creative SEAL 6 black ops tactic I now call: Operation Boo-hoo.

It’s go time!

I burst into tears.

I cry.

Sob, really.
Or, I pretend to.

Who has the time to cry at such a high rate of speed, in heavy traffic before they’re about to be murdered in an act of heedless revenge? Me neither.

Armed with a fistful of tissues I wipe my eyes and feign bawling. A lot. He approaches in haste. From me: Zero eye contact.

Peripherally, I see him. He edges up to my blind spot. He’s poised. He peers. He notices me. He witnesses total hysteria. …and then…mercifully… backs off. (Perhaps I turned into a 3 gallon bucket of mess and he only has a 2 gallon bucket that day.)

Yes, I counted on his attitude changing once he thought something else was going on with me.

Shock and bawl.

I was going for, “Wha….?” 
Is it Grief? remorse? madness? sorrow? a lost puppy?
Whatever…let me just say it worked. Perfectly.

I rewarded myself with a new box of Kleenex…with aloe.
I’m not sure why I wasn’t armed with aloe tissues in the first place. But, never again.
Because that would be crazy.

Hey, have a happy day.

P.S. (I might have not been 7 years old at the time.)

Photo Credit: M Sullivan via Compfight

Several thousand people arrive at my blog each month because of Ligers.

But maybe you’ve noticed that this isn’t a blog about Ligers. Actually, I rarely feature any big cats, or animals of any kind.

But for the magic of SEO, and Google, they come, massive web traffic, visitors in search of Liger related who-knows-what. If you google “name the liger” I’ll be the first entry.

People want to know if they’re real, or if Napoleon Dynamite was on to something about their skillz in magic. Maybe they want to see one up close. The Myrtle Beach Wildlife Reserve had a baby liger they were showing off, so boom! Liger fans. It’s all been a big flippin’ mistake…

Truth be told, I like Ligers. There’re pretty much my favorite animal. Back in 2010, on a lark I decided that a Liger would be a nice mascot here. After all, I’m a mixed breed myself. I popped up a post about it. “Name the Liger” I said. And still they come.

Lots of useless traffic…Or was it?

Instead of staying frustrated by this feline epic #fail, or even….well…you know being embarrassed by all the ligerish corniness, I decided employ some “Liger Leverage”.

See? They’re magic after all.

I just repurposed the post. In a spirit of general generosity, I worked on giving people something they were looking for.

I linked to the news some readers no doubt wanted about the wildlife reserve, I added some Liger info, and linked to a helpful resource with detailed information and stats on these and other hybrid felines. And I also added an invitation for [errant] visitors to poke around the rest of the site…you know for other flipping’ sweet stuff.

Guess what? In just two weeks, my bounce rate dipped about 35%! (That’s the stat that shows that people notice they’ve gone to the wrong place and click away quickly.) I might have even gained some regular readers.

Are people visiting your blog for the wrong reasons?
It turns out you can redeem the mistake. Use Liger Leverage!

Photo Credit: Jay via Compfight

The following list of 6 is semi-humorous and/or satire:

The first 6 of 12 Ways to Spike Blog Hits

• Say “vagina”. (It doesn’t even have to relate to the rest of the post. Just wave the it around. The word, that is, not anything else. Wait! What did you think I meant? And also a shout out to Rachel Held Evans who’s keeping things vaginal. The word picked her, actually, and she’s a good sport despite the monkey business. Get it?)

• Threaten Violence. (This is especially powerful if the sentiment is violent but the reference is farcical. You come out smelling better this way too. Pretty even.)

• Disclose something sexual, or promise to.

• Be angry and let a rant loose. (Have you seen the 1st Harry Potter? Do what he did at the zoo, just with your words…obviously.)

• Feed people lurking around for controversy. (Stick to newsy bits, disputes, scandals, injustice, corruption, you get the idea. There are many prowling for this, so really, it’s SO Money.)

• Post about something sordid, or be a punk. (Titillate. Be explicit, rude, foul-mouthed, try adult-themes, sexual content, unhealthy habits, dangerous stuff, immoral activities, etc. Hello, bad ass.)

Many readers give in to their worst or weakest appetites. That’s just the facts.

These next 6 are the ones I endorse. They won’t get you the same sorts of quick spikes, but they will build a loyal and good-natured readership over a longer term.

They also have quite a but to do with generosity.

The last 6 of 12 Ways to Spike Blog Hits
(and by “spike” I mean not that at all, probably)

• Thank others openly (Ed Cyzewski does this well. Thank you, Ed, for teaching me a lot here.)

• Be a credible resource or niche expert (I’ve mentioned my new niche here.)

• Be humorous, amusing, or feature those who are. (Remember this fruity Bert & Ernie classic? …What? I can’t hear you?…What a duo! I plan to “hat tip” this in an upcoming video.)

• Invite others into your limelight (Guest contributors are one way. So, Call me. By that, I mean tweet me.)

• Share your lists of favorites (It’s win-win. Alise Wright does this well.)

• Link up with great causes (Here’s a new favorite of mine: The Good Woman Project)

If you learned something here today, do one of the last 6, k?

Today, I contested a citation for breaking a statute: disobeying a posted (Stop) sign. I made a short video showing that the intersection has a blind corner where one risks being hit from behind if one pauses for too long. The officer admitted on the stand the that intersection, which has two Stop signs, is the most ticketed place in the whole township; however, of the two signs, one sign gets 1 out of 20 violations. When questioned, he could not venture any guess for this disparity.

I pointed out, through video evidence, the hazard of this junction, and why this disparity of violations takes place: Drivers wishing to regard the posted sign and obey it, may pause only briefly out of warranted safety concerns.

I lost the case. The $109.50 fine was not reduced.

Reason: You must stop at Stop signs.

As the judge was deliberating in her chambers, the officer says to me, “I remember you. Weren’t you going to school, to a class? And I said you could use this [ticket story] in your class [Theology of Suffering].”

Me: “Yes.”
Officer Myers: “How did that turn out?”
I said, “It went fine. I graduated…from seminary.”
Officer Myers: “From seminary. Oh, okay. Oh, good. What are you going to do now?”
Me: “Ministry. I hope to help people in recovery from drugs and alcohol.”
Officer: “Oh, ppptt, that’s a tough group. That’s hard. Well, good for you. That’s good. Good for you.”

Me: “I see those types of problems as spiritual problems. I think recovery and healing can take root if they start working at a core spiritual level. Then, healing comes spiritually, emotionally, and chemically.”

Officer: “hmm.”

He seemed to lighten up a bit after that.
A few minutes later I was found guilty. $109.50, (I broke a Statute, so I received no points against my license.)

Here’s the court video I presented. (After the session, both the officer and magistrate offered compliments on my presentation. The strangeness of that bit caught me off guard.)

I still contend I did not break the spirit of the law, even if I did not duly pause. My behavior will change henceforth!

Have you ever plead “not guilty”?
What do you think about this case? :)

STOP, don’t roll through…

&

~Leave your comments~

Court evidence-Exhibit A