{"id":9798,"date":"2012-08-06T03:30:15","date_gmt":"2012-08-06T08:30:15","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/lisadelay.com\/blog\/?p=9798"},"modified":"2014-02-21T08:16:36","modified_gmt":"2014-02-21T13:16:36","slug":"monday-funny-a-tale-of-jeep-rage","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lisadelay.com\/blog\/monday-funny-a-tale-of-jeep-rage\/","title":{"rendered":"SHOCK & BAWL: A Tale of Jeep Rage"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Boston<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n

\"Creative<\/a> Rene Schwietzke<\/a> via Compfight<\/a><\/small><\/strong><\/p>\n

Somedays you need to read uplifting or humorous posts to soothe yourself.<\/strong><\/em> I GET THAT. Friday seems two weeks away. You and I both know that sometimes we must find a way to laugh so we don’t freak out on someone, or weep uncontrollably into our Dunkin’ Donuts napkin.<\/em><\/p>\n

This is probably not<\/em> going to do that for you. But, you can read it, and shoot up a quick prayer thanking God that you aren’t my spouse. So, that’s a pick-me-up. You’re welcome.<\/p>\n

True Story:<\/strong><\/h4>\n

Once I made a horrible driving error. I’m pretty sure it was the one and only time, but I completely cut someone off on the Interstate.<\/p>\n

So, I swing into the passing lane and make a guy in a jeep brake and swerve. Panicked, and intolerably stupid, I flee the scene…by intricately weaving through traffic, no less. Maybe if I’m out of sight I can be out of mind too, I think. No, it’s actually more of a pure flight-or-fight response. I was about 7 year old at the time, and my frontal lobe was under-developed.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

<\/em>Indeed, it’s all a crescendoing avalanche of foolishness. Incited, a\u00a0<\/em>second<\/em>\u00a0motorist blows his horn and starts to tail me in a move of solidarity against vehicular injustice. Things are getting totally nuts. No doubt he’s readying a tall finger for my witness. My NASCAR lane changing moves soon best him, or maybe he realizes a highway fatality is too high a price just to send a hackneyed message.<\/p>\n

As I flee I see the victim in my mirror. He’s frothing and out of his mind with rage. He’s waving limbs around in wild fury, gassing it. He’s in hot pursuit. It’s a Jeep thing, maybe.<\/h4>\n

Now, I’m terrified. I taste the bile in my mouth.<\/p>\n

My heart pounding, I realize this all could end very poorly. And soon.<\/p>\n

That blaze of glory stuff is an awesome idea until you start thinking about the minutia of funeral arrangements, or wreckage in general.<\/em> Yes. The poor man swerved to avoid a smash style killing of both of us. It could have been a horrid pileup too.\u00a0We truly had eluded death by narrow margins. 14 guardian angels later file grievances. 3 others walk off the job immediately in complete frustration.<\/p>\n

Jeep guy was quite good at swerving, actually, and keeps up the swerving through interstate congestion to reach me. Maybe for seconds. Maybe for kilometers. Things are getting weird. A few truckers start honking, to support me, I assume. (They probably notice my professional driving acumen. What 7 year old can draft and weave with such precision? I’m a prodigy. Surely they recognize that. It’s a rush to have their approval. They’re pros after all and they know motoring prowess when they see it.)<\/p>\n

At this point I realize Mr Jeep guy is going to try to pull some kind of payback stunt. He’s all in.<\/p>\n

Battle of the Stupid Driving Stunts<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0is the theme of the afternoon, but who can blame him? At this point, he’s jacked up pretty good. I’m in a subcompact. How bad will this get? Does he have a gun? Or, will he keep it simple and just run me off the road with a triumphant fist pump? Will I be late for Girl Scouts?<\/p>\n

How is this going to end?<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

<\/em><\/strong>I do some quick thinking. Finally<\/em>. Thoughts not<\/span> just reactions. I mentally pat myself on the back as my synapses fire two or maybe three times…in a row with no problems!<\/p>\n

Actually, I stopped breathing for 8 minutes.<\/em><\/p>\n

They say necessity is the mother of invention, right? Well, it is. I am inventing a solution with \u00a0an unfettered brain buzz that comes just before you die or you nearly die. I’ve scene this in the movies: It’s always in slow motion.<\/p>\n

I do the only thing I think will hit the reset button. (Yes. I know there’s no real<\/strong><\/em> reset button. Curse you, Staples<\/a>! Or Vanilla Sky<\/a>…)<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

I decide on the element of SURPRISE<\/em>!<\/strong><\/h4>\n

Of course, I had just surprised him quite a bit a moment earlier by nearly snuffing out his life. “Surprise, dude!”<\/p>\n

Yet, this is precisely why he will never see a second<\/span><\/strong> surprise coming. Really, I had him right were I wanted him.<\/p>\n

(If only the roaring terror in my brain had let me enjoy that precious moment. Alas, no. Not at all.)<\/p>\n

I enact my own creative SEAL 6 black ops tactic<\/em> I now call:<\/p>\n

Operation\u00a0Boo-hoo.<\/strong><\/p>\n

It’s go time!
\n<\/strong><\/em>
\nI burst into tears.<\/h2>\n

I cry.<\/p>\n

Sob, really.
\nOr, I pretend to.<\/p>\n

Who has the time to form actual tears at such a high rate of speed and in heavy traffic\u2013before they’re about to be murdered in an act of heedless revenge? Me neither.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Armed with a fistful of tissues I wipe my eyes and feign bawling. A lot. He approaches in haste (of course, because he’s ready to kill me).<\/p>\n

From me: Zero eye contact. (Like he’s not even there. A genius move. Remember that for later in your own travels.)<\/p>\n

Peripherally, I see him. He edges up to my blind spot. Hovering. Ready to pounce.<\/p>\n

He’s poised. He peers. He notices me. He witnesses total hysteria. …and then…mercifully… eases off. (Perhaps I turned out to be a 3 gallon bucket of mess and he only has a 2 gallon bucket that day.)<\/p>\n

Yes, I counted on his attitude changing once he thought something else was going on with me.<\/strong> Something mental. Something suicidal or wickedly moronic\u2013barely thwarted by his quick reflexes.<\/p>\n

Or, just something too crazy to understand.<\/p>\n

Shock and bawl.<\/h2>\n

I was going for, “Wha….?”<\/strong>\u00a0<\/em>
\nIs it Grief? remorse? madness? sorrow? a lost puppy? What. is. the. deal?<\/em>
\n Whatever…let me just say it worked. Perfectly.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Later, I rewarded myself with a new box of Kleenex…with aloe.
\nI’m not sure why I wasn’t armed with aloe tissues in the first place. But, never again.
\nBecause that would be crazy.<\/p>\n

If that was you in the Jeep, thanks. <\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

I wasn’t paying attention and I didn’t see you. We both avoided certain doom.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

P.S. (I might have not been 7 years old at the time.)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

“Panicked, and intolerably stupid, I flee the scene…”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5626],"tags":[115,5459,4376,213,286,4951,4985,5920,4378,5325,5272,431,482,534,855,4496,927,4377,4442,1026,1122,1291,1342,1367,5079,1388,1426,1472,1503,4518,1588,1604,4605,4532,6538,1742,4716,1763,1858,4081,5284,5645,4848,2074,6025,2201,2223,5921,5906,5969,2602,60,2736,2760,2784,4465,4079,4540,5922,3080,5923,4859,3257,3274,5094,3315,5675,5900,3359,3860,3421,4241,3429,3444,3452,3474,3510,5924,3630,3698,6003,3711],"class_list":["post-9798","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-spark-my-muse","tag-a-genius","tag-accident","tag-act","tag-angels","tag-attitude","tag-awesome","tag-bad","tag-bad-driving","tag-be","tag-best","tag-blame","tag-blind","tag-brain","tag-buzz","tag-creative","tag-curse","tag-death","tag-do","tag-donuts","tag-doubt","tag-end","tag-fire","tag-freak-out","tag-friday","tag-funeral","tag-funny","tag-genius","tag-god","tag-good","tag-hackneyed","tag-haste","tag-heart","tag-heavy","tag-highway","tag-humor","tag-i-am","tag-if","tag-in","tag-job","tag-just","tag-killing","tag-kind","tag-laugh","tag-lost","tag-man","tag-mess","tag-mind","tag-mondays","tag-payback","tag-paying-attention","tag-poor","tag-prayer","tag-pure","tag-rage","tag-real","tag-remember","tag-right","tag-road","tag-road-rage","tag-sight","tag-staples","tag-start","tag-story","tag-stuff","tag-support","tag-surprise","tag-swing","tag-tactic","tag-tears","tag-terror","tag-things","tag-thinking","tag-thoughts","tag-time","tag-tissues","tag-traffic","tag-truckers","tag-vanilla-sky","tag-walk","tag-why","tag-wild","tag-will"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lisadelay.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9798","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lisadelay.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lisadelay.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lisadelay.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lisadelay.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=9798"}],"version-history":[{"count":27,"href":"https:\/\/lisadelay.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9798\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":14022,"href":"https:\/\/lisadelay.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9798\/revisions\/14022"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lisadelay.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=9798"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lisadelay.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=9798"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lisadelay.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=9798"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}