Recent discovery of transcripts of a little-known telephone conversation with Mary of Nazareth show why Jesus never had a varsity letter in sports.

(Transcribed while Mary was chattin’ on her celly.)

Hello, yes this is Mary.

I was wondering if I would hear from you.

Yes, I understand Jesus doesn’t have his permission slip to be on the Swim Team.

Yes, I realize he needs one before 6 p.m. today, but I don’t agree with him being on the team.

Well, because he doesn’t even know how to swim, and….

Yes, well, I understand that he walks on water just fine, or skims, whatever, but that’s not really the same thing. Actual swimming is done quite differently. It seems like an unfair advantage…

Yes, it’s surprising. He’s been quite an interesting child.

What? Well, yes, he’s small and short. He takes after me, not his “father” on that. Genetics are a funny thing.

I realize the chances for winning the Galilee-wide championships are on the line, but our family won’t be going around all high and mighty.

Why don’t we let use his gifts? Well, there’s a spiritual side to Jesus that you might not understand. He’s um… different.

Yes…..Explain Different? Oh, God. How can I explain this? I’m not sure I can explain, Coach Josiah, but I’ve been treasuring all of those things in my heart for now.

Thank you, yes, Coach. Thanks for understanding. Actually, it would be hard for him to make the meets; he has his hands full multiplying…I mean, making food for the prom committee. (They asked him to help because their budget is really low this year.)

No, he’s not much of a cook, per se, but he manages alright. I’m sure everyone will have plenty to eat.

No, I’m not sure if he has a date, Coach Josiah. The girls seem to love him, but he likes to keep things casual…on a friendship level. He’ll probably go stag.

Okay, thanks for calling. Good luck this season. Mazel Tov!