Once I had the unpleasant experience of over-exposure to a narcissist. (Okay, there’re been a few.) I’m not alone, right?
My gut would keep saying, “Something really isn’t right with this person…keep your distance.” I wish I had known then what I know now about the narcissistic personality. Class is in session.
We first tend to think of the narcissistic personality (NP) as a person who loves his/her own reflection, but that really is the stuff of myths. No, seriously (read about the specific greek myth here).
Sure, archetypal NPs are easily identified, perhaps as vain or self-centered, but a more mild version can creep into our surroundings insidiously even as authority figures, pillars of the community, sought-after experts, and accomplished leaders. Once you let them, they start to suck the life out of you. Sometimes their presence is unavoidable, but figuring out who they are and how to manage your interactions, before you lose your cool with them is invaluable wisdom.
What are the qualities of said NPs?
Here are 12.
- A lack of empathy colors much of they do. They may say, “How are you?” or ask a seemingly thoughtful question, when you encounter them. They are only working from memory. They have little or no interest in how you are. Another example: They might also mention something like a disaster or someone’s personal tragedy more as trivia, and seem callous or lack understanding of the emotional gravity of the situation or what others are going through.
- Mirroring. Virtually all of their ideas or ways of behaving in a given situation are taken from cues of others–people they know or perhaps think of as an authority (mirroring). They will adapt to situation and tell a group or person what they assume will intrigue them, or say what one wants to hear. For instance, with women, a male NP make act sensitive and pro-female, and then in a situation with males, buddy-up and put on very different aires to fit the part.
- Appearance. Continual concern with looking the part, body image, and attractiveness. (Including altering appearance to compensate for perceived imperfections, or the aging process.)
- Poor conversational skills. Their sense of self-importance and lack of empathy means that they will often interrupt the conversations of others, or overshadow conversations. They don’t seem to sense when they have gone on far too long, and when others speak, they may be oblivious to the conversation itself; positioning themselves instead to interject at the slightly brief to start speaking about themselves.
- Self-Importance as a main feature. They may wish others to do the mundane aspects of projects, and create those situations. Association with importance dominates their duties or their tales about what they’ve done. (Name-dropping falls into this category too.)
- Consistent self-focus. Listen for the ever-present use of “I”, “me” and “my” when they talk. Lots of self-promotion will appear as they speak…something like a walking infomercial.
- Little awareness of inner life. They find it difficult to talk about their inner life: memories, dreams, emotional wounds, or character weaknesses. Such talk is rare, brief, or non existent. (This makes growth, or spiritual maturation quite difficult.)
- Superiority issues. They will feel that the typical rules don’t apply to them. They will be disparaging of others and other groups often.
- Lawless disposition. They commonly cheat / steal as opportunities present themselves if they think they can get away with it. (taxes, rules, traffic laws, installed procedures, unspoken or mutual understandings, etc) They don’t think of it as cheating or stealing though.
- Self-appointed leader. They may seize leadership positions, or fill varies power vacuums to become the center of attention. They may delegate work or projects only to then interfere by micro-managing them. If all goes well, they take the credit, if things goes badly they blame or focus attention on the person they delegated it to.
- Tension or Stress Creators. Higher levels of stress with people who work with or interact with a narcissist often turn into decreased interactions/avoidance; or in the work environment, absenteeism and staff turnover. They won’t be able to trace this to themselves though.
- Preeminence. They grow (often unconsciously) impatient and restless when the topic of discussion is about someone else, and not about them. They enjoy thinking that they are crucial linchpins in situations of which they are a part.
yep. Whether it’s a co-worker, family member, neighbor, or other association, NPs make life difficult. What should you do?
Here are 5 ideas.
• Plan ahead. Determine how much time you can bear allotting for contact with the person, and prepare boundaries for your time together. This may mean sandwiching them among other appointments, so you can get away, or taking other steps to minimize interactions.
• Ditch constructive criticism. Don’t try to “help them out”. Observations or altruistic suggestions will be seen as an attack. Always. Just let them fail; it can’t be helped. (Of course, Prayer may be helpful…but, likely, more for you than them.)
• Keep your low opinion of them to yourself. Sure, you’ll find lots of support and corroboration of their obnoxiousness. You might even crave some company in your time of misery, but somehow they’ll sniff out even the slightest displeasure, and you’ll enter their crosshairs faster then you can say. “Shoot to kill.” Heed this not, and they will aim to destroy you.
• Use kid gloves. Sometimes a NPs confident style will fool you into thinking that his/her ego is more sturdy then, say, a moth’s wing. Not so. Under the veneer of certainty deep seated insecurity and rage lays right under the surface. Spiteful and thin-skinned is a terrible combination, so beware.
• Grace. Chances are this person will not, and maybe, cannot change. It’s hardwired in their brain to be such. Try to think of them as functionally “brain damaged”. They are likely considered a relational plague by many others… so, actually, that’s pitiable. Let that knowledge help balance your responses to them. Use compassion + common sense. Don’t waste your time or energy on thinking about their ways more then is absolutely necessary (let it go. deep exhale).
Have you ever dealt with a NP? What qualities did he/she have?
What helpful advice you do have to share?
(Some info adapted from here: http://winning-teams.com/recognizenarcissist.html)