They say that 90% of people who visit a blog simply “lurk.” That is, they read, and rummage around a bit, but do not participate or respond to posts by leaving comments–even when it is encouraged.
Why do you think this is?
(Smash the stats, and answer rather than lurk this time, k?) ;)
Thanks for reading!
I’ve been enjoying Chad’s blog, and social media shout outs for a while now; so I was quite excited, when this busy guy agreed to guest post here. It’s a joy for me to share things with readers here, including people.
Chad is a legend. Even “Biblical Learning Blog” (at http://www.biblecollege.org) included his blog, Captain’s Blog, in their list of Top 50 Ecumenical Blogs. So, it’s really an honor to have him here.
When I asked if he would be a guest blogger, Chad mentioned that wanted to share his heart, and I hope you soak in his contribution.
Leave your comments, afterwards, and show him what a polite readership I am fortunate enough to have by visiting his site, and to say “thank you.”
Chad, Thank you!
I Want You to Want Me
-Chad Estes
What we learned on the schoolyard playground seems to hold true in life. Those with the mad skills are the ones in demand. Those who can’t keep their eye on the ball, or catch an easy pop fly are picked to play right field and bat at the end of the order. This peer rejection is like the sting of a wasp, and unless you get off the field, you will probably get hurt by the same stinger, over and over again.
Adults play this same game. We want to team up with those people who benefit us, and help us win. We do this in business and in social circles. We even do this in church. Those on the outside of our margins–because of divorce, financial status, education levels, or addictive behavior issues, maynot be the first ones invited to our home fellowships. It isn’t their children that we invite to spend the night with our children.
But actually my thoughts about rejection aren’t about being picked last; it is the rejection that comes from being picked first.
What?
Yes, there is also a rejection issue with being picked first on a team because, more often than not, you are being picked for what you can do instead of who you are.
This is acceptable as long as you can keep up with the performance levels, but if your stats ever start to stumble, so will your value to the team.
It would be nice if this didn’t happen in Christian circles but unfortunately, it does.
Many churches and ministries recruit to a position based on a person’s perceived contribution value (Do they have good speaking skills? Can they lead a team? Do they agree with my direction? Will they serve this vision?) like it was written on stone tablets. But, when recruiting is all based on performance there will be a day when those skills will slip, or someone, even more qualified will come along. And when our positions are challenged, we may resort to some sort of spiritual steroids to help keep us on the field of play. The bad thing is these unnatural growth hormones actually stunt spiritual development It’s a cheap trick.
Today, I had a meeting where I was being recruited because of my ministry skills. But, as I drove home, I realized I was actually feeling the sting of rejection even though I’d been offered a position. The recruiter wasn’t really interested in me as much as she was interested in what I could do for her. She doesn’t really know me, nor does she know my heart. And unfortunately with her priorities all about her vision, she never will take the time to know what my heart is about. And so though it is a heady offer, it is a path that leads to performing, pretending, and pain.
My real value is my heart, not my skills. The skills are deteriorating with age. My heart is in the process of being renewed.
What I really want out of this life is to be picked by someone to be on their team, or be their friend not, because I’m a good player, or that I fit a niche, but simply because they want to be with me.
How about you?
- Which rejection hurts you more—the kind from not being included, or the kind from being selected for performance-based reasons?
- What do you suggest are ways to build relationships outside of these judgments and expectations?
I have a confession to make.
In about 2 weeks, this blog site will be a year old. In the last 5-6 months, I’ve been trying pretty hard to write interesting, helpful, or entertaining stuff for this place, almost every single day. I’ve made fantastic contacts, great new friends, and I’ve had a good time doing it.
This is hard to admit, but, I have to confess, that I’ve been blogging mostly to build a larger reading audience. A little while ago my agent told me that I stood a good chance to have my material published, but the biggest obstacle was “lack of platform.” Lack of platform sort of means, not too many care who you are, or what you do. A successful blog can change that, and help a writer build this much-needed platform. I know there’s nothing shameful about writing a blog and hoping others read it, but my remorse at this moment is that I realize I have made it my means to an end. I’ve been holding so tight to this idea that I can generate a solid readership base to, as Pedro says, “make all my wildest dreams come true,” that I didn’t realize I was putting it before the whole point, which is to share myself and my God with others. In a real sense, I’ve thought of this blog as a vehicle to “get me somewhere,” and I’ve made it an idol. Sometimes I have said to myself, “Well, it’s really both, a vehicle and my ministry.” This may be true, and I hope things work out like this, but if my priorities or motivations shift weight, things get off balance. And they have been.
I stopped long enough for God to speak to my heart, and in my spirit, it seems “he” said, “Let it go.” I got a little panicky at first. “Completely? What? Huh? What ‘chu talkin’ ’bout Willis…er, Father in Heaven?”
Then it seemed like God nudged me, and “said,” “Don’t be such an extremist.” This threw in off a little. So, I sort of looked around sheepishly for a little, almost looking for an exit, but without trying to be obvious about it. It seems like God “said,” “You’re clutching. Stop it. Just write and stop thinking about the rest. It’s none of your business.”
This bothered me. I felt out of control. Of course, it was a false assumption that I really have control like I was thinking I had. But, then I thought about what that might feel like…to hand things over… and I tried to “put that skin on.” Even just putting it on halfway felt SO nice. Relaxing. Like the pressure was off, and leaving the room, like a smog lifting. So, I stopped that exercise midway, I took a deep breath and I yielded. I took my sweaty feet off the pedals and coasted. I waited. And nothing happened. Nothing, for better or for worse, but I felt much better.
I wanted to tell you about it, because I know I haven’t been thinking the right way. I know that has to change, and I’m turning my heart the other way. I may post less often, but maybe there will be more true joy and inspiration when I do.
I do hope many are blessed by this blog, and resources, but I’m not going to transpose the priorities anymore, if I can help it, (with God’s grace). This will happen on a heart level, and it might not even be apparent to you, but I hope that my honesty will not only encourage you to look carefully at your own priorities, and goals, but also be a way to ensure that I stay congruent to my core convictions and values, in the way and nature of my God.
It’s hard to make confessions because, sometimes, it makes you feel really weak, stupid, or like some kind of a scum bag. It’s risky. The temptation to keep on a mask, and act like things are all pulled together, can be a strong influencer. Even though it feels embarrassing, it’s still the only way to move forward, and toward shalom (well-being/peace). I’m trying to be brave.
Thoughts… comments?
I’m so grateful that Matt was willing to participate with me here at this blog.
I’ve been visiting and enjoying Matt’s increasingly popular blog, thchurchofnopeople.com for about 6 months. Last year he was awarded his Masters of Divinity at Midwestern Baptist Theological Seminary, and is currently the lead teaching pastor of Levi’s House -Kansas City, MO, and is also the co-founder SaveAfrica.com (an organization that brings the gospel and builds schools in the Sudan.)
I sent Matt a few questions, to which he responded. I’ll share those, and what I came up with as my replies, as if to recreate that we were chatting fire side over some hot cocoa at a ski lodge. Try, if you will, to picture Matt in a white, cozy. cable knit sweater.
(me) Wow! I love this fireplace. Anyways, let’s get started. So, Matt, what is your blog about and what drives you to do it?
(Matt) My blog’s “official” description is that it contains all the sermons I would give if no one showed up to church. That is, when it comes to Christianity, ministry, politics, or life, I try to speak my mind in an unvarnished way. Most of the time, the topics of have been random, but all of a sudden, a bunch of similar topics began stacking up in my mind, thus January has become “Doubt Month,” and it’s been pretty amazing, if I do say so myself…mostly for the comments that have built the conversation.
I started the blog because I was inspired by all the ‘big’ blogs I was discovering, and there’s nothing better than trying to stand toe-to-toe with your heroes. It would be better if I could try to do that and not fail, but since then, I’ve discovered that I’ll never stand toe-to-toe with them. But I have a modest audience who give great comments, and I’ve been at it for over a year now. That’s an addicting combination.
It does seem like you take the gloves off sometimes, but it’s really refreshing and challenging. Writing like that, for all the world to see is a risk, for sure–much like that sweater you’re wearing. But it’s gutsy, and I appreciate that!
Do people misunderstand you, and your intentions?
I think so. My wife says I’m an “acquired taste,” whatever that means. I think it means I’m an “onion,” with lots of “layers,” or some silly produce-related analogy like that. When it comes to blogging, people have certain expectations from Christians. Well, I’m not particularly theological. I’m not really flamboyant with my faith. And sarcasm seems to be Kryptonite to some really “nice” Christians. So people don’t know how to react to me…or I’m just really bad at blogging.
So some guy new reader can’t get all the personal info he wants just by reading my blog, so he sends me an email asking what my “stance” is on the “millennium,” which seems about as out of place as asking what kind of underwear I prefer, and I didn’t even know I was required to be standing on it.
Sometimes when people say “acquired taste,” it’s sort of a nice way of saying, “hard to stomach.” (lol) I’ve noticed, as well, that some people/Christians ask those types of questions hoping to size others up to plop them in a category, maybe it’s “wicked or good,” or “of the devil or of God,” or doctrinally like them or wrong etc. (and their belief HAS to be the one that’s spot on, of course). It’s almost like they don’t know how to figure anything out, unless they figure you out first, and “discern you.” It’s funny to me, because if you know who God is, and are walking with him, the bulk of the rest of it falls into place. Those questions have (at least) a streak of fear in them I think.
What do you wish Christians would understand better?
Lots of times, I’m writing about the ridiculous things we as Christians and people just accept at face value. That’s the problem with people I think. Lucky for me, it creates a lot of blog fodder.
I guess that’s a good lead in to pop in your blog address again, here.
What ministry is closest to your heart?
My house church. (www.levishousechurch.com) I guard it closely. It’s the best dang little group of people I’ve ever been a part of. We’re sending a missionary from our own little congregation all the way to Sudan next month to preach and find a site to build a school, designed and funded by us. (saveafrica.com)
Most people would never give a house church a chance. I call it an experiment in doing more…with less. And it’s working.
I just love hearing that. It’s great for people to remember that serving God as a church body, being missional, or being the hands and feet of Jesus does NOT take a big church budget, a large facility, or hefty church membership rolls.
I think Levi’s House is just ahead of the curve on this one. I’ll be checking in to see how you are doing things, and what you are doing over there, and I hope others will be inspired by your updates as well.
Well, this whole time, we’ve been awfully serious. I simply love your sense of humor. Your guest post on stuffchristianslike.net had me rolling on the floor laughing, (or for those readers only familiar with text-speak: ROTFL!) What I really want to know is, if you had the chance, what VeggieTales character would you be?
That’s a tough one. Which one is the best arm wrestler…because that would not be me. Well, I guess none of them have arms. Wait, how do the vegetables do anything without hands? No, no, this can’t be right. Okay, I guess I’d be one of the Rapscallions. That’s a name that inspires fear and respect, right?
Matt, you are a man of many layers. This has been really nice. Thanks for participating! Now is your mug of cocoa ready for a refill? …
