Tag: Humor

I submitted the following article as a guest post for Stuff Christians Like over the summer. I haven’t heard from Jon Acuff, so I’m going rogue and posting it here, in an edited form. (I’ve had a humor post there -on prayer- so, no, I’m not crushed or anything.)

Kick back, relax, and have a laugh.

Secretly Wanting to Have a Signature Fragrance

Now, before you say, “This is not really a Christian struggle. I, for one, have never wanted my own fragrance,” just hear me out. Because, before you finish reading this, the thought will take root, and even intrigue you. You’ll see that smells have always mattered somehow to your Christian life. And believe me, you’ll make a kind of internal agreement with yourself to sign a fragrance deal, if the opportunity ever arises.

Let’s face it: smell does matter. No one wants to be the “stinky kid”. Do you remember “the stinky kid”? In childhood, my brother spilled his vat of Drakkar Noir in his bedroom, and ruined that once-delightful fragrance for me…forever. No one hopes for that. So, be assured, no one in their right mind turns down a fragrance contract. You wouldn’t either. Let me explain:

Back when meteoric pop star Katy Perry was just pastor’s kid Katy Hudson belting out gospel songs to Christian audiences, a fragrance deal was an impossibility. But, now? Well, now she’s a big hit. The next obvious professional move is marketing a smell. A signature smell. And she has. Her (first) fragrance is called Purr sells for $45 for 1.7 oz. Her eau de parfum begins with the aroma of peach nectar and forbidden apple, then evolves with a distinct floral bouquet of jasmine blossom, Bulgarian rose and vanilla orchid, and slowly reveals accents of creamy sandalwood and musk. Plus it comes in a purple, cat shaped bottle, complete with rhinestone cat eyes, collar, and heart shaped id tag. Apparently, Katy has gotten some recognition for her naming her cat Kitty Purry; and from the looks of the Purr marketing posters, Katy likes being associated with felines, especially if they have a shinny, form-fitting coat.

But celerities aside…Being associated with a positive scent just seems to make sense with God’s message. As a Christian, you know, at some gut level, that you really should have a godly fragrance about you. Yes. In literal terms. It’s practically an evangelistic tool. Cinnamon for example. Imagine if every Christian, at the very least, smelled like cinnamon. You have to agree that the world would be a better place. Am I right?

So, now you might be thinking, “Hum. Girl, you’re not as crazy as I thought at first…” But, listen. I know this:  If you’re worth your weight in salt as a good Evangelical, you’ll say to me, “But, Lisa, can you prove your point using Scripture?” To that I say, “Check, and….wait for it. Wait. For. It. …Mate.” I say “Check Mate” in Christian love.

You bet I can prove it. God is super cool about us smelling awesome. For instance, in Exodus 30:22-33, God has Moses go into 11 verses about making special perfume to anoint his priests, and all the things of the Tent of Meeting. We’re talking about God’s abode! Plus, after that, they made incense too, as an added touch. Since God doesn’t have a nose, I’m pretty sure that this was something for his people to enjoy. The fragrant oil was made with five sweet and delightful aromas: Liquid myrrh, sweet cinnamon oil, sweet smelling cane, or calamus ; and cassia. I actually bought a sample of this online right after I canceled my order for an old ossuary box (I made that last part up). For the record, prophets and kings got anointed with fragrant oil too. Boom!

Of course, there’s way more Biblical proof. I won’t include the actual wording of King Solomon’s thoughts on scents and sensuality, because it’s rated M for Mature. But, let’s just say the wise king found many smells very, very sexy. His palace and massage parlor probably smelled amazing.

Even though Jesus had a beard, some lady in the village of Bethany gave him this really expensive aftershave cologne called spikenard that they used back in olden Bible times. (Mark 14:3) I’m actually wearing some spikenard right now, because I love the earthy, mossy, dark oriental qualities that seem perfect for any occasion…from feasting to, well, execution.

But, wait, there’s more. Paul specifically instructs Christians, and the church to be a sweet smelling fragrance of Christ in 2 Corinthians 14-17. Yes. Those are his actual words. (He was REALLY ahead of the curve in marketing and public relations…well, sort of.) He also mentions that though we’ll smell like life to some, we will stink like death to those who reject God. This is an obvious downside; and I can imagine Katy Perry’s perfume could have a dead furball smell, in a manner of speaking.

So, really! Why don’t Christians get with it and get their own fragrance lines? Especially celebrity Christians. Rick Warren should have one for sure! I think it would have a breezy sandalwood odor with a light musk and juniper scent about it. Don’t you?

Francis Chan’s scent would be slightly more exotic. I would have woody, amber, and oriental overtones, with hints of mandarin, clove, and a marine finish of Gorse Flowers, obviously.

But, wait. Want about more controversial folks? Would it still work? How about Mark Driscoll? Simple. His would have leathery, resin of Myrrh undertones, Tonka bean, and a hint of grapefruit. A mannish hint, mind you.

I can imagine John Piper as a velvety spearmint, black tea, Oliban Wood, and just a smidgen of nutmeg.

Rob Bell: Lavender, Vetiver, Sage, Cardamom, Iris, Cocoa Bean, Amber, Vetiver, Rosemary, with a hint of German Leather.

I would be remiss if I left out the ladies. Nancy Leigh DeMoss? I’m thinking Jasmine, creamy Amyris Woods, with accents of fruity basil.

Joyce Myers is a trickier one. Probably Gardenia, musk, and pine needles with just an edgy hint of frankincense.

So there you have it: Plenty of reasons to smell fantastic. And God is okay with it.

What would your signature fragrance smell like?
Can you imagine any famous Christians and the scent that would be associated with them? Give it a whirl!