This dentist seems to have had a break from reality, OR maybe this is actually some kind of play on words for a vampire massage parlor?
Thoughts or comments?
Tag: joke
Shame and wanting to poking out your own eye
There’s a feeling you can get, after you’ve done something horrible. It’s so bad, that you might consider poking your own eye out (if for nothing else than a viable distraction.)
My first job (besides babysitting) was as a hostess at Eat’n Park Family Restaurant. A woman about 10 years older transferred there. She had been a waitress for a long time (even a decorated one. Yes, Eat’n Park is special like that.) She also had the name “Lisa,” just like me. That’s about all the ingredients needed for good communication and lasting friendship, right? um. No.Background:
Sometimes I’d goof off and crack jokes in passing with Lisa. No big deal. (If you know me, this is all highly typical behavior.)
WELL-
One day, like a stoke of non genius, it came into my head to wisecrack when I noticed Lisa had a blue pen scribble on her forearm. I noticed it was actually a very sloppily rendered mark of her own name. The “L” was super long on the bottom, and not in a cursive way. It was just odd. It struck me as humorous. I already knew she had a 4 year old daughter. Her little girl had probably been playing with her waitressing pen and wrote out her mom’s name all by herself. Or maybe Lisa had done it–for a joke, or because she was bored. So, feeling my comic Einstein vibe coming on me (which is inversely proportionate to my rational thought and good judgment), I said–rather flippantly, I might ad–“Hey, what’s that on your arm? Is that so you don’t forget your name?”
Sudden. Dead. Powerful stare.
Awkward pause. I could hear a spider near the salad bar blink.
Then I noticed she had a sort of sad “How could you, you freaking jerk?” look on her tired face. (I picked up on that because I’m really good at feeling people out!)
It was a tattoo.
A horrible one.
A mistake.
Perhaps a drunk boyfriend or trashed stepdad scrawled it there. Who knows. But whatever the story was, it was part of a painful past. A past she did not want thrown in her face by some stupid and insensitive quip from a dumb teenager.
My heart froze with panic. It’s the kind of panic where you start to smell yourself. A cold sweat mustache erupts on your lip usually, too
.
Would she stab me with a steak knife?
Plan to burn me “accidentally” with a scrod entrée platter? (Wicked hot, they are!)
I fumbled around, and got out, “um… hahah… I’m just kidding.” I was trying desperately to appear nonchalant. I considered whistling a tune to prove it.
Still, she just looked at me–steadily.
“I’m sorry,” I said, getting up the nerve. It felt like a blanket of shame washed over me. Self-loathing–all over the place.
She shook it off, and went back to work. From then on I tried to be extraordinary nice to her, in every way I could think of. I bused her tables, and got her refreshing beverages, and tried to be as pleasant, and positive as I could. She didn’t hold it against me, beyond a day or so.
Once, after a 10p.m.-5 a.m. shift when my dad failed to pick me up, she even drove me home in her weary beater of a car.
I still wonder about her.
It was poke-your-eye-out shame.
I’ll never forget it.
Have you ever had “inner death by shame”? (you can just answer yes or no, unless you want to be brave and tell your story)
A Call from Nazareth swim coach-
Recent discovery of transcripts of a little-known telephone conversation with Mary of Nazareth show why Jesus never had a varsity letter in sports.
(Transcribed while Mary was chattin’ on her celly.)
Hello, yes this is Mary.
I was wondering if I would hear from you.
Yes, I understand Jesus doesn’t have his permission slip to be on the Swim Team.
Yes, I realize he needs one before 6 p.m. today, but I don’t agree with him being on the team.
Well, because he doesn’t even know how to swim, and….
Yes, well, I understand that he walks on water just fine, or skims, whatever, but that’s not really the same thing. Actual swimming is done quite differently. It seems like an unfair advantage…
Yes, it’s surprising. He’s been quite an interesting child.
What? Well, yes, he’s small and short. He takes after me, not his “father” on that. Genetics are a funny thing.
I realize the chances for winning the Galilee-wide championships are on the line, but our family won’t be going around all high and mighty.
Why don’t we let use his gifts? Well, there’s a spiritual side to Jesus that you might not understand. He’s um… different.
Yes…..Explain Different? Oh, God. How can I explain this? I’m not sure I can explain, Coach Josiah, but I’ve been treasuring all of those things in my heart for now.
Thank you, yes, Coach. Thanks for understanding. Actually, it would be hard for him to make the meets; he has his hands full multiplying…I mean, making food for the prom committee. (They asked him to help because their budget is really low this year.)
No, he’s not much of a cook, per se, but he manages alright. I’m sure everyone will have plenty to eat.
No, I’m not sure if he has a date, Coach Josiah. The girls seem to love him, but he likes to keep things casual…on a friendship level. He’ll probably go stag.
Okay, thanks for calling. Good luck this season. Mazel Tov!
Chuck Norris, Roundhouse-Kicks Age 73
Congratulations Chuck Norris for roundhouse-kicking age for humanity! BORN IN 1940. You are 70 years old today (2010), and you are still amazing.
I have to say, even though you pitch well for the Total Gym, my favorite of your commercial ads is for the Action Jeans, which are perfect for sudden bursts of Karate.
My Chuck Norris joke for the day: Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Results for top Chuck Norris Jokes: here (yes-some are hilarious, some are vulgar)
What you think about the man, the legend, the Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris?
Happy President's Day! Celebrity-tested prize
REMINDER: Today is the last day you can try for Becky Garrison’s autographed book in the caption contest. Have fun with that! click here.
Today we honor Presidents. Back in the beginning of this country, it was probably a kind of popularity contest to get the gig, based on merit. Of course NOW, even trying for the job takes on the over-exposure, and preening, and shallow sensationalism of pop celebrity allure and lifestyle. These people bombard us with constant airtime.
When I found THIS prize. I had to get it for my loyal fans. Why? Because it’s so stinkin’ hilarious, that’s why! Check out the top right corner… see what it says? “Celebrity tested!”
Is this celebrity thing important to our culture or WHAT!? SURE! Come on you peek at the tabloid headlines in the store. I do. You do. Admit it! We just get curious.
Marketers know that a lip plumper won’t sell without expert enthusiasm. Plumper endorsement by a professional is critical. And who would that be? A Celebrity! DUh! The irony is–They don’t even bother to say WHICH ONE! How funny is that?
Is it Megan Fox? Sarah Palin? Sandra Bernhard? Is it Melanie Griffith? It’s probably important that they tell us. What if we don’t like that celeb? Or is it that all of them just somehow know better? This product just cracked me up.
To be awarded this conversation piece, funny gift, or helpful and star-tested lip balm, leave a comment about what lips, or lipstick means to you. (An arbitrary judge will pick one winner.) Yes, this requirement makes little sense, but then, so does the prize, and so does celebrity President status. Happy President’s Day!
