I’m jumping ahead on Funny Fridays, today.
This true story happened a few weeks ago, and it just occurred to me that it makes an amusing tale…so here goes. Why not?
If you follow this blog, you know that I got a new part-time job this summer at a winery. I manage the Tasting Room once or twice a week. It’s been a hectic summer and I worked a bunch of my weekends solid, including missing 9 Sundays of church in a row–A first in nearly two decades. More on that another time.
This is part cautionary tale and part embarrassing antic.
BACKSTORY:
So, I’m commuting 52 miles each way and working a bunch of days back-to-back and it dawns on me, finally, to ask my relatives if I can crash at their home which is only 12 minutes away. Instead of getting home at 11:30-midnight and fitfully sleeping for 5-6 hours and driving back again 52 miles for a hour meeting, this will make everything far better.
They graciously agree, but in the process of making plans, I forget that they will actually be away during that time. But, it’s no matter to them, they extend the offer and I’m grateful for it.
ARRIVAL:
It’s dark and I use my phone as a flashlight to enter their house and the cat is none too pleased. After hissing and keeping her ears back, I greet her.
“Hi, puppy. What’s wrong?” She doesn’t think it’s funny and she disappears for the rest of my stay.
SHOWER SCENE:
I’m achy, stinky, and ready for a shower and bed, so I head upstairs. I’m brushing my teeth and getting my things prepared when I realize a bit of horror…
The window is a big one, and just a sheer curtain separates me from the rest of the neighborhood.
Um, what?
I’m on a second story stage. All light is on me. I’m about to disrobe.
Have they not realized this is optical insanity?
I suppose plenty of people never realize that if one’s house is lit and it’s dark outside, one’s rooms are on display fully. Hum. Saying “one’s” make this seem very Victorian. That’s not the vibe I was going for.
Anyhow…At night, a lit bathroom it turns into like something you would find in a red light district.
Gulp.
If I went outside buck (or doe) naked, I would have more cover than this. I look like the main event, right now.
I imagine hearing slinky music start and then abruptly shaggy men near the street start grumbling and folding up their chairs.
Boo!
Where’s the regular?
We want silver fox!
Then, I blanch as I realize who might spend occasional weekends here, no doubt showering unaware. Oh God, why!
I fight off the urge to send a quick text and have a small vomit burp.
All I have to do is get a shower and get to bed. Stay focused.
ACTION PLAN:
There’s nothing to block the window. Finally, I decide to get undressed with the light off. Dark inside + dark outside = privacy, after all. That’s my plan.
Then, I think of the cat having a good laugh at my expense.
I’ll pretend I’m Hellen Keller. No she was deaf and blind. I think I’d just do a sponge bath if that were the case. No, I’m Mary Ingalls. I can hear Laura and Pa in the next room. The cat is whispering and making them laugh.
Perfect. Sort of.
Oh no, how will I navigate everything when I get out without getting water everywhere, or killing myself?
Wow, it’s dark in here! What a pain! Good, god, I’ll have to tell my daughter it’s a tricky business here.
After I step into the shower I reach out and flip the light back on.
(I can’t do the entire cleaning process blind. I don’t have the skills.)
All this thinking after a long day of work. It’s no match for me.
I deliberate behind the curtain…which I’m discovering is also rather sheer.
IS this all purposeful?
Do they have a web cam in here, or what?
Is this how they plan to save for retirement? Interesting.
Nightly Showers for Harrisburg’s viewing pleasure.
(Gracious tips are appreciated. Give them to the smirking cat.)
Gross! I’m in a freakin’ fish bowl here.
That notion will be hard to scrub from my brain as I try to sleep, won’t it now? I think.
I finish up, flip the light back off before I step out. Careful. Easy. I could twist an ankle.
This will be a fine mess if I fall and need an ambulance, yes? Curses.
[Day dream sequence: Queue harp music.]
Why is it dark in here, ‘mam?
-Well, I’m not fond of starring in peep shows and I fell. Oh, gosh. Can you turn the light back off?
Sorry no. We can’t see. Oh, look, a crowd is gathering down there. Where you yelling for help?
-No. I think they’re regulars.
Huh?
[End day dream sequence]
I towel off as best as I can and sneak for my room. Oh, brother. It’s facing the same way. Big window. Again.
Lucky me, a slightly less sheer curtain blocks it. I guess. A little.
NICE! Grrrr.
So, now I crouch down and get dressed. I flick the bedside lamp on. This will have to do.
Exhausted, I collapse into bed.
Modesty is something I need for me, not for other people, I suppose. At my age, I’ll attract gawkers, and hardly more. And maybe it’s doubtful anyone was watching. But, who knows…the whole experience was…memorable.
THE TAKEAWAY
If it’s lit in your house, and dark outside, be prepared to be a viewable object, like it or not.
It’s just simple optics.
Go ahead, grab a helper and do an experiment…keep your clothes on.
You’ll see what I mean.
