Tag: Humor

Feeling like a Lemur? Yes.

So, why is it that Lemurs look so freaked out? Like, a lot.

Are koala on the other end of the emotional animal spectrum? They are always so Zen, so casual. Sleepy but more than sleepy. Chill. Do the eucalyptus leaves they eat render a cannabis-vibe?

Incidentally, the mouse lemur looks like a combination of the two creatures.

I’ve been feeling like this Lemur looks.
We had an electrical fire, right after we packed it in for trick-or-treat night. It was smoke, sizzling, snaps, and weird burnt smells, and arcing bolts of live electrical current….and then the realization that you cannot put water on such a thing.

We were at the mercy of some stupid, ancient fire extinguisher dated to the Clinton-era.
Bill, that is.
Monica’s Bill.

Trust me. Weird Science is the ONLY time I care to view electricity in “dance-mode”. And even then, I won’t do so without wearing a bra hat in solidarity. It helps in acknowledging power beyond my understanding and control. I’m tempted to wear one in certain worship services. (I keep one in my purse.)

My husband wanted to call the fire department. Volunteers…er Zealots of flame and noise that house their equipment just next door down. Good and decent boys and men who love their beer (sic.) and are quick to respond, and descend in great numbers …but not always appropriately. I shuttered at the thought.

Instead, we selected the “phone-a-friend” option. A seasoned citizen and professional electrician came over at 9:30 pm….surely his favorite way to spend a chilly Wednesday night!

I felt like an all-out Lemur. Nervous, near the brink of extinction, powerless in my surroundings.

I should mention that it ended well. Nothing combusted. No local first-responders were used. No evacuations, premature, or otherwise. Some repair was completed the following day. A leaky kitchen sink pipe had met with some exposed crawl-space wiring. And rodents chew this stuff because? Charges triggered several breakers and melted some stuff. Had we gone to bed without noticing that the kitchen flooring had buckled a little, I might be writing this from a homeless shelter.

Thankful.

Jesus Had a Wife…and other Shtick

This post is related to the hubbub about a alleged artifact from 400 years after Jesus.

Here’s an article of that and some of the new surrounding controversy that will make the validity of such a finding dubious at best. Just when it gets interesting it leaves you with nothing. Much like this whole hullabaloo will.

Discussing that is not the focus of this post.

Also, the image above is not a painting of the first knock-knock joke:

Mary: “Knock-knock”

Voice in tomb: “Who’s there?”

Mary: “Mary…wait…um… you’re not Jesus, you’re an angel. What are you doing in here?!”

Voice in tomb: “Got ‘cha, Mary. Jesus is alive! and he looks a lot like the guy who takes care of this garden.”

The ancient papyrus lines in question (written in Coptic 400 years after Jesus) are in bold below:

The legible lines on the front of the artifact seem to be a conversation between Jesus and his disciples. The fourth line of the text says, “Jesus said to them, my wife.” Line 5 says “… she will be able to be my disciple,” while the line before the “wife” quote has Jesus saying “Mary is worthy of it” and line 7 says, “As for me, I dwell with her in order to …”

So, suppose this scrap contains the actual words of Jesus, could we solve the mystery?

Firstly, for context….remember the “Plank in the eye thing” Jesus said once…well, here’s the thing about that: That was Shtick.

So, maybe this is too.

“Jesus said to them, my wife….I mean, should I forego this dying for humanity stuff, my wife will be a great cook. Ya’ll know I love grilled fish, right?“

or

“…she will be my disciple, and I have a feeling she won’t be as big a pain in the rump as you guys have been.“

or

“Mary is worthy of it. And by “it” I mean R-E-S-P-E-C-T, yo.“

or

“You guys can stay over at Peter’s house, and for my sake, please patch up the roof from the other day. As for me, I dwell with her in order to get some freakin’ peace and quiet. You bicker constantly!“

 

You probably thought I’d say, “Jesus said to them, my wife…take my wife, please.” right?

NOW—you fill in the blanks. Finish Jesus’ sentences. (It’s not stuff from the Bible, so don’t worry. It’s not sinning if you’re adding text and meaning to a Coptic gag reel.)

 

 

SHOCK & BAWL: A Tale of Jeep Rage

Boston I-93 Tunnel

Creative Commons License Rene Schwietzke via Compfight

Somedays you need to read uplifting or humorous posts to soothe yourself. I GET THAT. Friday seems two weeks away. You and I both know that sometimes we must find a way to laugh so we don’t freak out on someone, or weep uncontrollably into our Dunkin’ Donuts napkin.

This is probably not going to do that for you. But, you can read it, and shoot up a quick prayer thanking God that you aren’t my spouse. So, that’s a pick-me-up. You’re welcome.

True Story:

Once I made a horrible driving error. I’m pretty sure it was the one and only time, but I completely cut someone off on the Interstate.

So, I swing into the passing lane and make a guy in a jeep brake and swerve. Panicked, and intolerably stupid, I flee the scene…by intricately weaving through traffic, no less. Maybe if I’m out of sight I can be out of mind too, I think. No, it’s actually more of a pure flight-or-fight response. I was about 7 year old at the time, and my frontal lobe was under-developed. 

Indeed, it’s all a crescendoing avalanche of foolishness. Incited, a second motorist blows his horn and starts to tail me in a move of solidarity against vehicular injustice. Things are getting totally nuts. No doubt he’s readying a tall finger for my witness. My NASCAR lane changing moves soon best him, or maybe he realizes a highway fatality is too high a price just to send a hackneyed message.

As I flee I see the victim in my mirror. He’s frothing and out of his mind with rage. He’s waving limbs around in wild fury, gassing it. He’s in hot pursuit. It’s a Jeep thing, maybe.

Now, I’m terrified. I taste the bile in my mouth.

My heart pounding, I realize this all could end very poorly. And soon.

That blaze of glory stuff is an awesome idea until you start thinking about the minutia of funeral arrangements, or wreckage in general. Yes. The poor man swerved to avoid a smash style killing of both of us. It could have been a horrid pileup too. We truly had eluded death by narrow margins. 14 guardian angels later file grievances. 3 others walk off the job immediately in complete frustration.

Jeep guy was quite good at swerving, actually, and keeps up the swerving through interstate congestion to reach me. Maybe for seconds. Maybe for kilometers. Things are getting weird. A few truckers start honking, to support me, I assume. (They probably notice my professional driving acumen. What 7 year old can draft and weave with such precision? I’m a prodigy. Surely they recognize that. It’s a rush to have their approval. They’re pros after all and they know motoring prowess when they see it.)

At this point I realize Mr Jeep guy is going to try to pull some kind of payback stunt. He’s all in.

Battle of the Stupid Driving Stunts is the theme of the afternoon, but who can blame him? At this point, he’s jacked up pretty good. I’m in a subcompact. How bad will this get? Does he have a gun? Or, will he keep it simple and just run me off the road with a triumphant fist pump? Will I be late for Girl Scouts?

How is this going to end?

I do some quick thinking. Finally. Thoughts not just reactions. I mentally pat myself on the back as my synapses fire two or maybe three times…in a row with no problems!

Actually, I stopped breathing for 8 minutes.

They say necessity is the mother of invention, right? Well, it is. I am inventing a solution with  an unfettered brain buzz that comes just before you die or you nearly die. I’ve scene this in the movies: It’s always in slow motion.

I do the only thing I think will hit the reset button. (Yes. I know there’s no real reset button. Curse you, Staples! Or Vanilla Sky…)

I decide on the element of SURPRISE!

Of course, I had just surprised him quite a bit a moment earlier by nearly snuffing out his life. “Surprise, dude!”

Yet, this is precisely why he will never see a second surprise coming. Really, I had him right were I wanted him.

(If only the roaring terror in my brain had let me enjoy that precious moment. Alas, no. Not at all.)

I enact my own creative SEAL 6 black ops tactic I now call:

Operation Boo-hoo.

It’s go time!

I burst into tears.

I cry.

Sob, really.
Or, I pretend to.

Who has the time to form actual tears at such a high rate of speed and in heavy traffic–before they’re about to be murdered in an act of heedless revenge? Me neither.

Armed with a fistful of tissues I wipe my eyes and feign bawling. A lot. He approaches in haste (of course, because he’s ready to kill me).

From me: Zero eye contact. (Like he’s not even there. A genius move. Remember that for later in your own travels.)

Peripherally, I see him. He edges up to my blind spot. Hovering. Ready to pounce.

He’s poised. He peers. He notices me. He witnesses total hysteria. …and then…mercifully… eases off. (Perhaps I turned out to be a 3 gallon bucket of mess and he only has a 2 gallon bucket that day.)

Yes, I counted on his attitude changing once he thought something else was going on with me. Something mental. Something suicidal or wickedly moronic–barely thwarted by his quick reflexes.

Or, just something too crazy to understand.

Shock and bawl.

I was going for, “Wha….?” 
Is it Grief? remorse? madness? sorrow? a lost puppy? What. is. the. deal?
Whatever…let me just say it worked. Perfectly.

Later, I rewarded myself with a new box of Kleenex…with aloe.
I’m not sure why I wasn’t armed with aloe tissues in the first place. But, never again.
Because that would be crazy.

If that was you in the Jeep, thanks.

I wasn’t paying attention and I didn’t see you. We both avoided certain doom.

P.S. (I might have not been 7 years old at the time.)

5 Things You Learn When You Get a Purple Finger

So, I shut my finger in the door. “Tallman” to be precise. Thumbkin fled the scene and is not taking questions.

As is the case in too many of my injuries it happened when I was trying to do something good…in this case I was taking out a piece of recycling.

“No good deed goes unpunished,” some say. The worst instance for me was when I was bowling for charity…I re-injured my knee by dislocating the kneecap part to a place it never belonged. Getting carried out of a bowl alley also has its own special kind of humiliation. That was an expensive bowling match that ended in surgery for me.

I’m going to try to find the humor in this far less devastating event.

5 Things You Learn When You Get a Purple Finger

1. The thump thump throbbing finger thing you learned from cartoons is exceedingly real. Darn you Fred Flintstone for making it look trite!

2. The finger known formally as “Ringman” gets an instant promotion. “Go Ringman. Go Ringman!”

3. A lot of middle-aged women and girls under the age of 7 like the color purple, but prefer it in a blouse.

4. “You must be glad it’s not your dominant hand,” is not a sympathetic enough phrase to tell someone with an injury. This is especially true when it’s coming from a spouse.

5. A doorknob as a specific purpose and function. Use it wisely.

5 Things I Learned While Camping (humor)

Good morning, campground!
Photo Credit: Felix Neumann via Compfight 

For the last 4 days I’ve been living with my husband, son, and daughter in a rustic cabin. Camping they call it.

Here are 5 things I learned:

1. Campers come in two classes: The Haves and The Have Nots.

The have nots are trying to scrimp on vacation costs, enjoy the outdoors, and try not to get eaten alive by insects…or get heat stroke. (That’s where you’ll find us.)

The haves perk out with things like air conditioning, satellite tv, shower/bath, running water, microwaves, and so on…and so on. I’ve decided that they’re sissies with money.

2. A 9 foot black snake can make a quick exit even with its head half lopped off. (The backstory is too long for this format. But, yes, I had a few nightmares.)

3. When you are camping eating Ice Cream 2-3 times per day seems normal, if not obligatory.

4. A shower at the camp washhouse leaves you feeling wonderfully fresh and clean! …for 49 seconds, no make that 4 to 9 seconds.

5. People who camp with dogs and loud people should be sequestered to their own camping island…about ten miles away. Downwind. And Downstream.

What have YOU learned through camping?