Shame and wanting to poking out your own eye

There’s a feeling you can get, after you’ve done something horrible. It’s so bad, that you might consider poking your own eye out (if for nothing else than a viable distraction.)

My first job (besides babysitting) was as a hostess at Eat’n Park Family Restaurant. A woman about 10  years older transferred there. She had been a waitress for a long time (even a decorated one. Yes, Eat’n Park is special like that.) She also had the name “Lisa,” just like me. That’s about all the ingredients needed for good communication and lasting friendship, right? um. No.
Background:
Sometimes I’d goof off and crack jokes in passing with Lisa. No big deal. (If you know me, this is all highly typical behavior.)
WELL-
One day, like a stoke of non genius, it came into my head to wisecrack when I noticed Lisa had a blue pen scribble on her forearm. I noticed it was actually a very sloppily rendered mark of her own name. The “L” was super long on the bottom, and not in a cursive way. It was just odd. It struck me as humorous. I already knew she had a 4 year old daughter. Her little girl had probably been playing with her waitressing pen and wrote out her mom’s name all by herself. Or maybe Lisa had done it–for a joke, or because she was bored. So, feeling my comic Einstein vibe coming on me (which is inversely proportionate to my rational thought and good judgment), I said–rather flippantly, I might ad–“Hey, what’s that on your arm? Is that so you don’t forget your name?”

Sudden. Dead. Powerful stare.
Awkward pause. I could hear a spider near the salad bar blink.
Then I noticed she had a sort of sad “How could you, you freaking jerk?” look on her tired face. (I picked up on that because I’m really good at feeling people out!)
It was a tattoo.
A horrible one.
A mistake.
Perhaps a drunk boyfriend or trashed stepdad scrawled it there. Who knows. But whatever the story was, it was part of a painful past. A past she did not want thrown in her face by some stupid and insensitive quip from a dumb teenager.
My heart froze with panic. It’s the kind of panic where you start to smell yourself. A cold sweat mustache erupts on your lip usually, too
.
Would she stab me with a steak knife?
Plan to burn me “accidentally” with a scrod entrée platter? (Wicked hot, they are!)
I fumbled around, and got out, “um… hahah… I’m just kidding.” I was trying desperately to appear nonchalant. I considered whistling a tune to prove it.
Still, she just looked at me–steadily.
“I’m sorry,” I said, getting up the nerve. It felt like a blanket of shame washed over me. Self-loathing–all over the place.
She shook it off, and went back to work. From then on I tried to be extraordinary nice to her, in every way I could think of. I bused her tables, and got her refreshing beverages, and tried to be as pleasant, and positive as I could. She didn’t hold it against me, beyond a day or so.
Once, after a 10p.m.-5 a.m. shift when my dad failed to pick me up, she even drove me home in her weary beater of a car.
I still wonder about her.
It was poke-your-eye-out shame.
I’ll never forget it.

Have you ever had “inner death by shame”? (you can just answer yes or no, unless you want to be brave and tell your story)

Training for change: "The Show about Me" part III

conversation is not about you

I use the word “training” here, because if I used the word “discipline” it would be an immediate turn off. You may just click away in a huff or something. I’m tip toeing around for you this time.

Discipline has a “dirty word” feel to it now, right? We seem to associate it with pain for the sake of gain, or something too hard, or bothersome. Really, a disciple is a person in a training mode, learning, and absorbing things meant to improve him and his life.

This post is the third installment to deconstruct and renovate our lives that have taken on the “personal reality show” traits. This default setting we have to center our lives around our desires, wants, needs, and shortcomings, keep us stuck. Gone is the life-giving existence that comes from understanding that Reality is the realm of God–It’s not about us. We are invited into a richer, deeper Story that isn’t gained or lost with our successes or failures. God is the Star of the show, and it’s his Story. This is a life lived in the realm of peace/shalom. Lay your burdens down, friend.

You may have some ideas in mind of what life looks like once this changeover has been made. I’m hoping you’ll share your ideas about it. I’ll 5 ways a person lives out a greater Story, and maybe we can all learn something.

When you live the bigger Story…

1. You regularly  make and keep unlikely friends.

You don’t see people as tools for your own purposes, or to satisfy your desires and needs. No one is beneath you in the social strata, because you can well see that it’s not your story, but God’s. God’s Story includes all people, so you do too.

2. You regularly give to those who cannot repay you.

(Volunteer) Your actions stop being about personal gratification and getting ahead in some way. Giving freely punctuates this idea. You realize that generosity is life-giving in its own right, and it’s a win-win situation.

3. You shut up more, ask questions, and wait for the full answer.

Talking with people isn’t about saying something, being heard, or pitching some kind of agenda. It’s about the other person. You ask questions to know better, to understand better, and you give up the selfishness inherent in small story communication.

4. You stop self-promoting.

Making sure others see you in a certain light doesn’t balloon anymore as a thrust of your interactions. Sharing has nothing to do with making yourself look good, or impressing people. The self-centeredness is gutted from your words and actions, making life about something far bigger and better than you.

5. You listen.

In small stories we listen to get an edge. Sometimes what we call “listening” is really just pausing briefly out of some rudimentary convention, so that when we speak, we can be better heard (but only because we aren’t literally talking over someone). It boils down to merely “listening” for a chance to speak; but this is not genuine listening. When we listen, we change. The interaction makes us somehow different than we were before.

If you train with these 5 ways of interacting and seeing Reality in mind, it will give you no choice but to improve your life as you yield to a bigger Story.

Share your thoughts…

Prayers of Adoration (Praying the Names of God)

At my school, if you have ever taken Dr Mellinger, then you have engaged in this particular prayer form.

Praying this way, is a way of praising and worshiping God–a useful spiritual practice.

It’s quite simple, and may take on variations, or adaptations. It’s helpful for individual prayer time, or in a group setting.

I’ll present something simple here.

If you use it, or come up with something else, I’d love to hear from you.

Art work – Names of God

Prayers of Adoration/Praying the Names of God: A “How To”

1. Make a list of 10-20 words for God (Encouraged is including names for all 3 parts of the Trinity: Creator, Redeemer, Spirit, etc.).

Adjectives are fine, or names of God found in the Bible.

(Examples: Savior, Father, Light of Lights, Lamb, Protector, Reconciler, etc.)

For Prayer in a Group:

Pick a name from your list that seems to  stand out as be more meaningful, and take turns praying your selections in adoration to God, calling God by the name, and saying something of your own, similar to the following:

“God, you are Savior. I thank you that you are a Savior to us, and you’ve given yourself up for us.”

Everyone then may respond together in agreement:
“God you are Savior”

(or whatever name has been selected)

It’s amazing how 5-10 minutes of this will change the whole atmosphere in the room. Truly. amazing.

For Individual Prayer time:

• Work down through your list, in a similar way.

• Rest, and consider each name, as your finish adoring God with that name.

At the end, jot down some observations, thoughts, insights, feelings, associations, etc. that came to mind during or after your prayer time.

GROUPS: Take turns sharing some of these.

Individuals: May read over your observations again; and later come back to them, and re-read them.

 

Outsourcing: Ever tried it? Want to?

Here’s something you may have not considered before: Outsourcing

“Wait,” you say, “That’s a dirty word. That’s like saying, ‘I hate Grandmothers,’.” Oh, no, it’s not. Get a grip. Outsourcing is simply getting someone else to do something for you quicker and less expensively than you could do it yourself. Most of the time, time isn’t what you have. And, of course, money? Well, almost no one has that. So you leverage what little money you have to get what you need, specifically. A global marketplace means the world is flat.

Think about it, research, busy work, follow-up calls, answering emails, e-commerce, networking, and much more could be subcontracted, so you could save a lot of time, and maintain your main focus.

Soon I’ll update this with how my outsourcing is going.

Leave your questions! Or comments…

Ethics in the work place – 4 questions.

signethics

I’m doing my final Ethics paper on Christian ethics in the work place, with a special focus on Christian business owners. 

Would you be willing to answer a few questions?

1. Do you feel you encounter more ethical dilemmas than your competitors/co-workers? 

2. How do you decide choices of right and wrong in your workplace? (what guides you, mainly? circumstances, consequences, natural law, governing rules, feelings, virtue, etc?)

3. What are some examples of ethical dilemmas that challenge you (Specifically, situations where you have to figure out what is right and wrong)?

4.Of some of the issues that have come your way, what has been the most difficult one/s, specifically? (explain why, and if you are willing, explain the outcome/decision)

Please note:

While you encounter plenty of tough choices, some will be “crisis of conscious issues” more than ethical dilemmas. A true ethical dilemma is not a tough choice between doing the right and wrong thing. It is when the right and wrong thing are difficult to determine. Things like stealing, lying, cheating, etc. in themselves, are not ethical dilemmas, because these things are already know to be wrong. (In that case, it’s not an ethical dilemma, but rather a crisis of conscious as to whether you will choice what you already know to be right.)

Thanks –
Lisa

(Feel free to leave a comment here, OR leave a comment that I should contact you, if you need privacy. No one will be mentioned by name in my paper.)

thank you!