Here’s a humorous and poignant lenten reflection from the irrepressible Prof Doug Jackson
excerpt:
The Lazaruses are a happy family – one of the few that Scripture gives us – and their happiness forms a complex choreography. There’s Martha Stewart of Bethany, very active and Baptist, worrying that the unleavened bread won’t rise and carving radishes into the shape of Torah scrolls. There’s the liturgical Lazarus, playing the gracious host, his very presence a passive but massive proof of the power of his guest. And there’s Mary, an early-day Pentecostal who simply will not learn propriety, performing over-the-top acts of quasi-erotic worship that bust the budget and embarrass the guests.
I met our next contributor in seminary. If you don’t know Warwick personally, it’s hard to describe him. Just reading his work one could get the false impression that he is just mildly eccentric, even understated. Don’t be fooled.
Warwick leaks out and away from every typical category. First of all, Warwick takes great pleasure in being unusual. He’s involved and conscientious. He makes frenzied gestures when he’s excited, his laugh is thoroughly concussive, and he devours books at vertiginous speed. He’s intense, yet surprises you with his sensitivity. He’s intelligent, but that doesn’t ever seem to help him for long. He’s both a marvel and a conundrum. I like him and I’ve learned a lot from him. Probably when it was least expected, and often where blood, or tears, or sweat has something to do with it. I’ve appreciated Warwick in the same way I grew to like dark lager. (In this curious photo, an unseen doctor checks Warwick for a mutant sty that developed after reading too many spiderman comics. Or, I made that last part up.)
Smart Authors Balance Honesty and Transparency
-by Warwick Fuller
We’ve just moved for the 4th time in the past year. I just opened a box that was labeled desk stuff and found an old journal. How I approach my journal is different from my blog. My blog is mostly about my observations and the events going on in my life that are affecting me and the world around me. Because of my faith, these observations are thru a certain lens. I don’t think I’m bashful about that lens, but I am choosy about what I share in regards to that lens. I’m choosy about what I share about my family. I do know some of my readers. I don’t know all of them.
In blogging there are certain ideals, and those that post them well are the people that have a high traffic volume. Two of those ideals are honesty and transparency. In being honest, we can see the writer’s flaws, and the true humanity that is behind the words and stories. In being transparent, the writer becomes relatable. These are trust issues. A good author wants you to trust their work; wants you to understand and relate.
Being a smart author in such a personal medium is to know when to draw the line when it comes to transparency. For me there are a couple of rules that I have employed in my head to help.
Never paint your spouse/child/significant other in such a shade that they are degraded in the eyes of others. I never want others to regret what I write about them, especially my immediate family. It’s unfair; they never get to defend themselves on my page. The stories I do share about them that I question I always run by my wife first. If she feels uncomfortable then its off the table.
Never put your family in danger. Honestly, there are crazy people out there. My nana says more than there were when she was a kid. The post that draws the most attention to my blog is a picture of the Marvel Comic Family Tree (nerd alert), and I’m not sure who is being drawn in because of it. I am very careful in revealing certain details about where we are and what my kids are up to. I’m honest, just not naïve.
It’s ok to make yourself the butt of a joke, but be redeemable. Some reputations have been killed by what an author writes about himself on the interwebs. Some comedians make a life out of self-humiliation. I think that may be fine for others, but I want to be trusted by those who ask for my advice. Because of the line of work I am in, others count on my opinion and advice. I do not want that ruined by a misplaced, though true, story.
When in doubt, find a community to run your idea by first. I have a wife who is understanding and is intelligent. She also likes me, which helps when I tell her I want to put something on my blog. She’s god at asking the right questions that help me not just know what to put up but how and why. If you do not have a soundboard, then find one. Or at least, write down your post and revisit a week later, before you post it. This is just a good habit, anyway.
Be aware that the truth you find in your observations may not be what others saw. It’s the old joke about the blind men and the elephant. If you are writing about an event that took place, it’s not a bad idea to make sure you saw exactly what you saw. Ask others that were a part of it for their own observations. It makes a story round, and they can provide details you missed.
Don’t make yourself un-hirable. I have no idea what the future holds for me and my family. I do not want anything I’ve put up on my blog to put in jeopardy whatever God is leading us to next. Neither should you. A good reputation, to be trusted, is a desirable goal. I’ve heard better than silver and gold. Weigh your words and see if what you read is how you want people to see you.
So, fellow bloggers, how close an eye are you keeping on your words? What safeguards do you employ? Can you ever be too honest and open?
Bio: Warwick Fuller is a blogger at www.warwickfuller.wordpress.com. He names his pets after Anglican literary figures and wears bow ties. He is lead on his church’s Wednesday night Family Ministry, and is a USAR Chaplain. He is married with three daughters and lives in Harrisburg, PA.
Easter and Thanksgiving are the times we’ve visited my side of the family. For as much as I hope these times will be worthwhile and joyous…more often they prove to be interactions marred by family of origin baggage and tensions forged in the kiln of pain and chaos.
I yearn to create new traditions in my nuclear family, but obligations and traditions with extended family crowd out those preferences.
I wonder now, as I recover from too much driving, what do we do when all the well-suited symbolism of new life and rebirth fail. When they don’t pan out in real life. When what you wish for, like a clean start, or even some version of new found tranquility proves unavailable.
The joy of Easter is there in the background, in a larger –what-God-is-up-to–sense, but interpersonally you just wish you could be somewhere else. That has to be more common than the Easter greeting cards let on.
My husband and I watched The Passion of the Christ on Good Friday, a day before we left on our Eater trip, and I was struck by something. The pain. So. much. pain.
This holiday is marked with the pain of God coming into our experience and absorbing all the agony. We tend to jump to the end. The happy ending of the joy of his resurrection. That’s the spot we focus on. O’ the joy!
For Christ’s followers it was actually more of a chaotic time rife with sorrow, dashed hopes, bewilderment, unbelief, and then surprise, okay, shock. Joy? Yes that too. But many other things.
First, he kept popping up in locked rooms, probably necessitating the “Peace to you” language, because he was freaking them out so much. He gave them hope enough to spread the Good News, but much was left undone. In fact, the hardest times were ahead. And, Jesus didn’t stay long.
Real life is complicated.
There was infighting, arrests, beatings, Steven is the first martyr, wild Saul starts imprisoning and killing Jesus’ friends–then he reverses course. Death where is your sting, says St. Paul? Well, guess what? The pain still smarts like the dickens.
* * *
I must say I have some envy for those who experience serenity and all the related majesty and renewal of Eastertide. Sometimes those symbols fail me. This was one of those times. Perhaps they do not in any long term or big picture way, but in the nitty gritty ways and means that life plays out…yes. And that makes it difficult. So much of life just doesn’t work right. So much is still broken, empty tomb or not.
You probably thought you were going to read a happy ending. Maybe I would turn my frown upside down. But, right now, I can’t find the right ending to write about. Maybe the symbolism hasn’t failed me, maybe I have failed it. I suppose like many stories, this one isn’t over yet either. But, the dot-dot-dots (…) are each so weighty and confounding.
Once I had the unpleasant experience of over-exposure to a narcissist. (Okay, there’re been a few.) I’m not alone, right?
My gut would keep saying, “Something really isn’t right with this person…keep your distance.” I wish I had known then what I know now about the narcissistic personality. Class is in session.
We first tend to think of the narcissistic personality (NP) as a person who loves his/her own reflection, but that really is the stuff of myths. No, seriously (read about the specific greek myth here).
Sure, archetypal NPs are easily identified, perhaps as vain or self-centered, but a more mild version can creep into our surroundings insidiously even as authority figures, pillars of the community, sought-after experts, and accomplished leaders. Once you let them, they start to suck the life out of you. Sometimes their presence is unavoidable, but figuring out who they are and how to manage your interactions, before you lose your cool with them is invaluable wisdom.
What are the qualities of said NPs?
Here are 12.
A lack of empathy colors much of they do. They may say, “How are you?” or ask a seemingly thoughtful question, when you encounter them. They are only working from memory. They have little or no interest in how you are. Another example: They might also mention something like a disaster or someone’s personal tragedy more as trivia, and seem callous or lack understanding of the emotional gravity of the situation or what others are going through.
Mirroring. Virtually all of their ideas or ways of behaving in a given situation are taken from cues of others–people they know or perhaps think of as an authority (mirroring). They will adapt to situation and tell a group or person what they assume will intrigue them, or say what one wants to hear. For instance, with women, a male NP make act sensitive and pro-female, and then in a situation with males, buddy-up and put on very different aires to fit the part.
Appearance. Continual concern with looking the part, body image, and attractiveness. (Including altering appearance to compensate for perceived imperfections, or the aging process.)
Poor conversational skills. Their sense of self-importance and lack of empathy means that they will often interrupt the conversations of others, or overshadow conversations. They don’t seem to sense when they have gone on far too long, and when others speak, they may be oblivious to the conversation itself; positioning themselves instead to interject at the slightly brief to start speaking about themselves.
Self-Importance as a main feature. They may wish others to do the mundane aspects of projects, and create those situations. Association with importance dominates their duties or their tales about what they’ve done. (Name-dropping falls into this category too.)
Consistent self-focus. Listen for the ever-present use of “I”, “me” and “my” when they talk. Lots of self-promotion will appear as they speak…something like a walking infomercial.
Little awareness of inner life. They find it difficult to talk about their inner life: memories, dreams, emotional wounds, or character weaknesses. Such talk is rare, brief, or non existent. (This makes growth, or spiritual maturation quite difficult.)
Superiority issues. They will feel that the typical rules don’t apply to them. They will be disparaging of others and other groups often.
Lawless disposition. They commonly cheat / steal as opportunities present themselves if they think they can get away with it. (taxes, rules, traffic laws, installed procedures, unspoken or mutual understandings, etc) They don’t think of it as cheating or stealing though.
Self-appointed leader. They may seize leadership positions, or fill varies power vacuums to become the center of attention. They may delegate work or projects only to then interfere by micro-managing them. If all goes well, they take the credit, if things goes badly they blame or focus attention on the person they delegated it to.
Tension or Stress Creators. Higher levels of stress with people who work with or interact with a narcissist often turn into decreased interactions/avoidance; or in the work environment, absenteeism and staff turnover. They won’t be able to trace this to themselves though.
Preeminence. They grow (often unconsciously) impatient and restless when the topic of discussion is about someone else, and not about them. They enjoy thinking that they are crucial linchpins in situations of which they are a part.
yep. Whether it’s a co-worker, family member, neighbor, or other association, NPs make life difficult. What should you do?
Here are 5 ideas.
• Plan ahead. Determine how much time you can bear allotting for contact with the person, and prepare boundaries for your time together. This may mean sandwiching them among other appointments, so you can get away, or taking other steps to minimize interactions.
• Ditch constructive criticism. Don’t try to “help them out”. Observations or altruistic suggestions will be seen as an attack. Always. Just let them fail; it can’t be helped. (Of course, Prayer may be helpful…but, likely, more for you than them.)
• Keep your low opinion of them to yourself. Sure, you’ll find lots of support and corroboration of their obnoxiousness. You might even crave some company in your time of misery, but somehow they’ll sniff out even the slightest displeasure, and you’ll enter their crosshairs faster then you can say. “Shoot to kill.” Heed this not, and they will aim to destroy you.
• Usekid gloves. Sometimes a NPs confident style will fool you into thinking that his/her ego is more sturdy then, say, a moth’s wing. Not so. Under the veneer of certainty deep seated insecurity and rage lays right under the surface. Spiteful and thin-skinned is a terrible combination, so beware.
• Grace. Chances are this person will not, and maybe, cannot change. It’s hardwired in their brain to be such. Try to think of them as functionally “brain damaged”. They are likely considered a relational plague by many others… so, actually, that’s pitiable. Let that knowledge help balance your responses to them. Use compassion + common sense. Don’t waste your time or energy on thinking about their ways more then is absolutely necessary (let it go. deep exhale).
Have you ever dealt with a NP? What qualities did he/she have?
Here’s a humorous and poignant lenten reflection from the irrepressible Prof Doug Jackson
