C.S. Lewis on longing and friendship

A few tidbits today from a greater mind than mine by a thousand or more:

C.S. Lewis.

jacklewis

Jack, as his friends called him, lived and wrote with an authenticity that made courageously interacting with the most painful and potent stuff of life an ordinary occurrence.

He loved deeply, he thought deeply, he wrote deeply, he suffered deeply. All these things, love, joy, friendship, sacrifice, loss, and longing were the topics of his work.

A heavyweight intellectual with the rare kind of genius to write concisely and accessibly to anyone, he never shied away from the messy parts of life–no matter who the audience. He might be most famous for his children’s fiction, but his poetry, literary criticism, apologetics, and other works reveal him as a polymath and literary giant. Thanks to the recent Hollywood versions of Narnia movies (which ardent C.S. Lewis fans find grossly wanting) ave created a renewed interest in Lewis making him more widely read now than he was in his own lifetime.

What made the man?

Tragedies cultivated a pensive and sensitive aspect of Leiws that complimented an agile, imaginative, and sharp mind.

Perhaps the deepest wound happened at age 9 when he lost his mother in death. His father was emotionally distant and sent him off to a series of boarding schools–which he deplored. The isolation and grief seemed to create a “heart-wound” from which he suffered his whole life; and from which he found solace in the hope of heaven and in the embrace of friendship.

Author Anthony Burgess wrote that “Lewis is the ideal persuader for the half-convinced, for the good man who would like to be a Christian but finds his intellect getting in the way.” (*source)

But, not at first.

First, the pain made him a committed and intellectual atheist at age 14. Despite his choice, Lewis still wrestled with what most creators and artists do, spiritually, as his journal from that time reveals:

“If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.”

Later, Jack would reconcile these longings more throughly with theism. (An acceptance of God as Creator.)

Subsequently, he found Jesus Christ the fitting Savior and Redeemer of the story–which is life and human experience. The Savior myths of ancient times and other cultures he said evidenced that the story of God and Jesus was a “true myth” reflected in meta-truth and narrative intwined into the cultural fabric and story of (nearly) every civilization.

He continued to explore this idea of desire and longing–from which any one with an artistic temprament can take confort:

“In speaking of this desire for our own far off country, which we find in ourselves even now, I feel a certain shyness. I am almost committing an indecency.

 

 

I am trying to rip open the inconsolable secret in each one of you—the secret which hurts so much that you take your revenge on it by calling it names like Nostalgia and Romanticism and Adolescence; the secret also which pierces with such sweetness that when, in very intimate conversation, the mention of it becomes imminent, we grow awkward and affect to laugh at ourselves; the secret we cannot hide and cannot tell, though we desire to do both.

 

 

We cannot tell it because it is a desire for something that has never actually appeared in our experience. We cannot hide it because our experience is constantly suggesting it, and we betray ourselves like lovers at the mention of a name. Our commonest expedient is to call it beauty and behave as if that had settled the matter.

 

Wordsworth’s expedient was to identify it with certain moments in his own past. But all this is a cheat. If Wordsworth had gone back to those moments in the past, he would not have found the thing itself, but only the reminder of it; what he remembered would turn out to be itself a remembering.

 

The books or the music in which we thought the beauty was located will betray us if we trust to them; it was not in them, it only came through them, and what came through them was longing.

 

 

These things—the beauty, the memory of our own past—are good images of what we really desire; but if they are mistaken for the thing itself they turn into dumb idols, breaking the hearts of their worshipers.

 

For they are not the thing itself; they are only the scent of a flower we have not found, the echo of a tune we have not heard, news from a country we have never yet visited.”

 

How beautifully he captures longing!

For Lewis, camaraderie, fellowship, friendship, and love brought light and healing to his heart and his world. Through them he remained grounded and prolific.

Lewis on friendship:

In a circle of true Friends each man is simply what he is: stands for nothing but himself. No one cares twopence about anyone else’s family, profession, class, income, race, or previous history.

 

Of course you will get to know about most of these in the end. But casually. They will come out bit by bit, to furnish an illustration or an analogy, to serve as pegs for an anecdote; never for their own sake. That is the kingliness of Friendship. We meet like sovereign princes of independent states, abroad, on neutral ground, freed from our contexts.

 

This love (essentially) ignores not only our physical bodies but that whole embodiment which consists of our family, job, past and connections. At home, besides being Peter or Jane, we also bear a general character; husband or wife, brother or sister, chief, colleague, or subordinate. Not among our Friends. It is an affair of disentangled, or stripped, minds. Eros will have naked bodies; Friendship naked personalities.

 

Hence (if you will not misunderstand me) the exquisite arbitrariness and irresponsibility of this love. I have no duty to be anyone’s Friend and no man in the world has a duty to be mine. No claims, no shadow of necessity. Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art, like the universe itself… It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which gave value to survival.

Bargaining with God and life

haggle

I get into this thing sometimes and I catch myself trying to cut a deal.

It’s bargaining. I do it with myself and in prayer.

I’ve noticed that the 5 stages of Grief are also the same as the Stages of Change.

If you’ve ever started something new that should be a good thing and then felt conflicted?

It’s because there is a loss of something involved. Maybe something familiar. Maybe dream. Maybe a place. Maybe a group of people or a person. It’s a process of grief to move through, even for seemingly simple things. Change and grieving are linked.

Stage 1: Denial

(Nothing’s really changed. Nothing big really happened. Everything is normal.)

Stage 2: Anger 

(I really don’t like this. I feel frustrated and upset. I want to lash out or numb out.)

Stage 3: Bargaining

(How about if I do this, you can come through for me in this way. Or. If I do this, maybe this other thing will happen.)

Stage 4: Depression

(I don’t want to deal with this. I’m going into my shell. Go away.)

Stage 5: Acceptance 

(It’s going to be okay.)

I wonder what would happen if we prayed with each stage in mind. Like a roadmap. When we got to the bargaining part, we might just smile, because the script is already there. How funny. Maybe we don’t even have to do it. Or we can do it and in the ritual of it we could heal.

Then, perhaps, in the depression stage we can just sit in silence with God and not feel so alone. Then–I’m guessing here–the Acceptance is more thorough and includes not just accepting the newness but feeling accepted where ever you are too. If only I could catch the stages before they get to me.

However it works, the process will happen again and again. They don’t tell you this stuff when you’re a kid. You stumble into knowing that most of life is like reincarnation in bits and pieces of us. The same patterns. The same stages repeated. The same getting there again and again. For the first time and repeatedly.

What change are you in right now?

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photo source

A Fig Leaf for You & a Fig Leaf for Me

Mustang

Peter Adermark via Compfight

A shinny new sports car!

Fast. Convertible. Hot stuff. As it growled away I thought,

“What a Fig Leaf!”

In about 30 seconds you can see (or hear) the things people do to cover up… to compensate and distract themselves and others from their insecurities. It’s all a Fig Leaf dance done to hide shame.

To see it in ourselves can take a bit more time. Funny how that is!

We are always, it seems, pushing back somehow on the sense that we aren’t enough. (Even by drawing a comparison, which is what I did when I spotted a sport car fig leaf, reveals my cover up attempt, “I’m not as bad as that.” I said in my heart.)

Consciously or unconsciously we send signals to whomever might listen, even if the listener is us:

• I’m smart enough

• I’m talented enough

• I’m wealthy enough

• I’m pious enough

• I’m capable enough

• I’m attractive enough

• I’m good enough

• I’m strong enough

• I’m loved enough

• I’m dedicated enough

• I’m worthy enough

I. am. okay.

Each way a Fig Leaf. Each way a stab at trying to reconnect and find home. We all long for connection and acceptance.

Social creatures as we are, we still want to look like we have it all under control and can go it alone. The sinking feeling that perhaps we cannot sends a jolt of pain that has us picking fig leaves and making coverings for ourselves.

The truth is being vulnerable feels like being naked. We hate it. We feel exposed. We’d rather hide.

If something or someone reveals our mistake or shortcoming, we take it personally–as a reflection of some core flaw. Fig leaves are everywhere.

I don’t have a sport car to show off, so my fig leaf might not be so obvious to others. But it’s there! Oh, and I have much more than one fig leaf too. I too feel like I’m not enough, and plenty of ways and failures come up each day to point it out for me.

The only thing that helps to give me traction and drop a few leaves is admitting it and risking and then relying on my closest relationships to reorient me–including my relationship with God. Those who really love me reinforce that I already am worthy of love and acceptance. God reaches out in Scriptures, through others, and in the Living Word (Jesus the Christ) to drill home the fact that he covers all shame with empathy and love.

Guilt = I did something wrong (admit it, fix it, move on)

Shame = I am something wrong (we stay stuck, we go numb, we disconnect, we over-protect ourselves)

If you want to drop a few pitiful fig leaves, start by taking a risk and reveal why you cover up. You don’t have to do it in public, but apparently you have to do it to be well.

Brené Brown (who you’ve probably realized by now has inspired this post) says that “We are only as sick as our shame.”

I’m reading this, and I recommend it to anyone who has a Fig Leaf or two.

PRAYER FOR THE SHAMEFUL

God, hear my prayer!
I keep scrounging for things to make me feel better.
I remain unfound by your love in times when I deeply need it.
Be my Hope and Deliver
Let your love wash over me and renew me
That I can be born again into a greater Light and Love
And even as a new born baby is vulnerable and so dearly loved
Let me sense that I am your child in the same way
I am strongest and most protected when I realize I am in your arms
Let me sense your acceptance and closeness.
Remind me of who and where you are.

Click for Verse of the day

 

Going from Noun to Verb (part II)

Yesterday, I talked about the shift that happens when a word–and the thing that word is standing for–sprouts into other parts of speech. “Google” was one example. Love was another.

How this transition happens is based on a few factors, and some of those factors are not within our control.

It seems the abiding reasons (for positive associations) have a lot to do with building trust and a powerful impression. There are triggers that make things start to traverse “across platforms”. For instance, Goolge as a company became a certain type of brand when it offered free web searches very quickly with short load times and no bothersome ads. There were no ads at first and then they incorporated Google Ads to make some money hoping their ads would be subtle and effective…bearable. (no pop up ads, etc).

Moving from brand to a ubiquitous term across parts of speech and culturally (like the word “google” moving from noun to brand name noun to adjective, adverb, and verb) takes something else. Several things.

Widespread and frequent acceptance and usage

Trust and reliability

Close Identity with an action or idea that can be described more accurately than the word it replaces.

Example:

In the case of Google…if you wanted to say, “Hey, search on the internet for that,” it actually became more accurate to say “Google that.”

It was not just a quicker way to say what you wanted to, it was more specific too. The word that replaced “search” carried that idea of getting it right simply, in the middle of all the potential complexity. The meaning was richer and more defined by implication. Using google would get you a specific outcome better or differently than other ways to search. Soon all internet searching fell under this umbrella: Searching well and quickly on the internet was “googling”.  Even to the point where you could hear someone say, “Use Bing to google a video about the Panama Canal.” (Bing: Microsoft’s attempt to be Google, but they’re too late for the party. For now, Google has won the day by winning the word and the idea about searching the internet, and they’ve crossed platforms.)

For us, as Communicators, Leaders, or Creators, our message can move from noun to verb. For best results, it takes more than notoriety. Whether we’re talking about invention, art, consumer goods, or just being the go-to person on a topic, the same principles apply.

What about for the walk of faith? Same thing.

We have to be so easily identifiable with a concept and action that the connection happens. Whether that’s love, service, encouragement, worship, or anything else that build the Kingdom of God.

The sticky part comes in doing it in a way that builds our “personal brand” and furthers our own interests, more than the Kingdom. We too often pick ourselves. This upside down Kingdom is laid out in Matthew 5-7 (the Sermon on the Mount).

I think we can spot the difference between our own Kingdom or God’s in the fruit that comes to bear as well as whether we sense the consolation of God or the desolation without God’s (felt) presence. This is the realm of discernment, and will define consolation and desolation that later in the week. Stop back soon!

A Definition of Acceptance.

We can live without romance and power, but there’s more potent that we all hope to have. When it’s been missing we get so thristy for it.

Acceptance.

Gladys M. Hunt wrote,

Acceptance means you are valuable just as you are.

It allows you to be the real you. You are not forced into someone else’s idea of who you are.

It means your ideas are taken seriously since they reflect you. You can talk about how you feel inside, why you feel that way, and someone really cares.

Acceptance means you can try out your ideal without being shot down. You can even express heretical thoughts and discuss them with intelligent questioning.

You feel safe.

No one will pronounce judgment on you even though they don’t agree with you. It doesn’t mean you’ll never be corrected or shown to be wrong. It simply means it’s safe to be you and no one will destroy you out of prejudice.

Where have you felt this?