Poet, theologian, group worker, and leader of Corrymeela Community of Northern Ireland, Pádraig has worked with groups in Ireland, Britain, the US, and Australia. With interests in storytelling, groupwork, theology, and conflict, Pádraig lectures, leads retreats and writes both poetry, prose, and music..
This is Soul School Lesson 77 [SSL77] Scroll down for the AUDIO PLAYER.
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Alain de Botton
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Today’s guest is a blogger, author, musician and a woman who suffered a string of terrible events and decided to tackle the topic of grief to help others through the process.
If you’ve suffered a loss or know someone who’s grieving, this book will bring some needed comfort and give you helpful information to help better. Alise and I have an important conversation today. Please scroll down to the shownotes to access the important links mentioned in the show.
Min 2:00
What is a good first step when someone is suffering?
MIN 3:00
“I’m sorry you’re going through this.”
Saying less is more.
Really listen to the language the person is using and echo it back to them and not the language that is comfortable for (you).
MIN 5:20
Using faith or heaven language might not be welcome.
MIN 9:30
About the string of suffering and trauma that brought grief to Alise and how she needed to get better through therapy and medication.
MIN 14:00
Medication during grief to process properly.
MIN 17:00
Isolation in grief. The paradox of uniqueness and universality of grief.
MIN 20:00
How we can share our grief with memories or with others in some way.
MIN 21:20 Grief Share organization and places to develop new rituals and finding community of other bereaved.
MIN 23:00
“Grief helps us find our humanity.”
Grief pulls us together. It’s the event that strips us of our humanity.
MIN 25:00
Attaching morality onto emotion is doing ourselves a disservice because it doesn’t allow us to feel what we feel. The actions beyond those feelings can be moral or immoral.
MIN 26:00
Grief and separation anxiety:
Grief is the (normal) human emotional response to loss. It is a common part of human experience and may produce growth. We can lose people, places, objects, relationships, and even ideas. Some losses may not be actual, but anticipated, or a perceived loss. (25) Acute grief looks remarkably similar to a classic anxiety attack (same physical symptoms). It is similar to the feelings felt in fear. In grief one fears the loss of self through separation, and experiences separation anxiety. (28)
It is a function of attachment. It can be understood also as our emotions catching up with our reality. (38) The more we can love the more we can grieve. Our abnormal attachments show up (caused by an improper process of grieving) as permanent emotional detachment or heightened attachment. (30)
R. Scott Sullender, “Grief and Growth: Pastoral Resources for Emotional and Spiritual Growth” Paulist Press, 1985.
MIN 28:30
Stages of grief like a water cycle and forgiveness and grace.
MIN 31:30
Extending forgiveness during grief and the risk and humility needed.
MIN 32:15
Healing and time and doing our part and letting go once we’ve done what we can.
MIN 33:15
A mustard seed of faith that the story isn’t over yet. Reconciliation can mean we put our weapons down and that’s restoration too.
MIN 34:15
Recognizing progress.
MIN 35:00
Being more aware of grief in others so that you can have more grace during trying circumstances.
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I got the great privilege to sit under the wise teaching of Dr Barbara Krasner yesterday. (Contextual therapy and a family systems-centered healing perspective.)
With 48 years of experience as a therapist and scholar can you imagine the depths of her knowledge and understanding? But, probably not.
Every sentence was 9 months pregnant with power and meaning. Each concept could be a textbook of its own. Wisdom. Truly.
Gleanings
One of the things that struck me was that she said the first 10 sessions of therapy is almost wasted. People come with certain expectations or barriers every time they first begin therapy, which delays healing.
• Often we simply just want the other person “fixed”.
• We are too ready and able to blame or judge, which the Dr says has zero value.
• We also hope for magic. They assume she will have powers and skills to quickly produce healing and normalcy for them.
She says that she sees her vocation not as a person who has the answers, or simple fixes, but as one can help others see resources they can use to help themselves. Resources they are unaware of or haven’t considered. Communication resources, options, starting points. She helps them look “under rocks to see what they’ve missed, to see what’s working, even if it’s the most basic thing. They may not realize that hope is a choice for them.
Communication and Transactions
Krasner says it’s important to “simultaneously translate” what a person is saying and what they are intending to say. What is heard is often misunderstood and one’s upbringing plays into how we hear others poorly.
• Understanding the context of the message and the person is critical for coming to points of healing and trust.
The biggest reason people divorce?
• They cannot disagree and still stay connected.
(This is true for other kinds of troubled relationships also.)
The most important things we can teach our children?
• Forgiveness (With grounding in loving-kindess: Hesed love.)
Spinning House (adapted from photo by John & Brenda Bendinsky)
Perhaps every parent tries to give their child something they craved as a child. For me, it’s stability. Emotional safely. A place that is a refuge from the plagues and tumult of the world, rather than another component to the madness.
I noticed someone’s garden bird house this spring. It hung from a cord and was in constant motion. It spun clockwise, and then counter-clockwise. And it got me to thinking…do the young birds think the world spins? When they leave the nest, does normal stability feel abnormal? I realized I grew up in a spinning bird house. Love will always feel unstable, even when it stands firm.
I want something for my children: I want to anchor our house to the tree.
Qualities of a good nest:
1. Cozy
2. Safe
3. Warm
4. Comforting
5. Place of learning/preparatory
6. Seasonal/temporary
7. Place of nurture
7. Place where you get good eats
8. Sufficient shelter
What else?
What have you (or would you want to) give to your children that wasn’t in the “nest” you grew up in?
"Safe Neighborhood?" (creative commons photo by Josve05a Flickr)
![Of Course, You Will Marry the Wrong Person [SSL77]](https://lisadelay.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/couple.jpg)
