Coping with Pain (The ironic strategy)

 

Why are we so often alone in our pain?

 

There is a terrible irony in the typical human’s response to pain.

Emotional, physical, or mental suffering is most often considered personal, or about one’s self, and so it is dealt with on one’s own.

A suffering person, ready to divulge their pain, may say, “This is hard to say out loud,” or “This is difficult to share with people I don’t know that well.” The pain has been internalized, and taken in, stewed.

We all do it. But now I ask “why?” Habit maybe, yet we do terrible jobs of healing ourselves. Our wounds fester and putrefy.

Outside perspectives, and the gracious love of community offer healing we can never find alone.

I wonder if the broken-ness of this world makes us retract. Maybe a flight/flight instinct is at first to simply be self-preservative. In reality, we are not alone, our pain is not unique. But, the shock, and upset sends us into hiding, or a kind of “hunker in the bunker” mode. The bitter stab, the disappointment, or the awfulness of suffering makes us fear, and mistrust, so we give ourselves no option but to withdraw, and go inward, taking the pain with us. It rarely finds a good exit. Then we lick our festering wounds, in solitude, even as we may curl back unnoticed, behind the dumpsters of the very hospital (a situation) that could being healing, comfort, and hope. Don’t we?

Could pain really be something different altogether, and we might just be misapprehending it far too much?

                         Could it be a way to lead us home?

                                       Is it a way to lead us into each others arms, once again?

Those who have been calmed and gained healing, find that healthy community is the surest way to growth, start invigoration, locate meaningful purpose, and heal hurts. How is it that so many of us suffer quietly, and alone, in the margins?

How very strange that together, we suffer alone! The irony is horribly striking. How awful too, I think, that we’ve also missed something big about others who suffer. We too often shoot our wounded, by condemnation or inattention. Or push them out, somehow, into further isolation. How coarse. How morbid. The God who welcomes the outcast, the wounded, the sick, and the sinner, mingles with them, pulls them in, and is close enough to touch their afflictions, and pass them bread.

Let us think of ways to come out of our own sufferings into the light and healing nature of community with others, God has provided. Beyond that, let us reach out to those isolated, or away from us–those silently hurting. Let us understand that they will try to handle their pain themselves, but they cannot. We can kindly be there, to hear them, offer friendship, and love. But most of all, with or without words, reassure them that no one suffers alone, not any more.

Do you have comments about suffering or isolation?

Please contribute.

If you take this to heart, and do something about it, please share that with us. Thank you.

Peace with God (A Prayer)

 

Peace with God

(Prayer)

(Written for individuals, or use in hospice, end of life, or redemptive ministry.)

God,

I know you are my Creator, and I am not simply material that will return to the earth.

I desire peace with you, and to lay my burdens down.

(Here one may add specific concerns, guilt, offenses, or things that have made one’s heart heavy.)

I know you offer me relief, forgiveness, grace, and acceptance, freely–as a gift. I gratefully receive this from you.

You are the Highest, a Three-in-One God, who made me. Out of pure love, you redeemed me before time began, and during human history through the life, death, and resurrection of your Incarnation, The Christ, and you will comfort me with your Presence now. As I leave this world, receive me into your most loving Presence.

I am your child, coming to you.

Amen.

(Download your own copy for use, or distribution click here)

H1N1-hand washing fetish (photo)

Wash your hands five times before you leave.

 “Only YOU can stop disease-We recommend you wash your hands five times before you leave our restroom.”

Okay I made that up, but signs like that could be in the restrooms soon. People have stopped shaking hands, starting wearing masks, and might die of either swine flu or embarrassment if they would get caught forgetting to cough into their elbows. Life is getting strange.

When I saw this picture, it made me think that the stress of H1N1 panic, and hand washing, and sanitizing all things, in general, is starting to get a bit blown out of proportion…maybe to über hyper stage. I’m thinking, maybe a cultural fetish, or collective neurosis?

I’m all for clean hands. It really is important for good health and hygiene. (I’ve completely stopped just licking my fingers clean each day, in fact, just like a few people in my neighborhood have. If you’re wondering about bed bugs, Schuylkill could be a hot spot, don’t doubt it.)

But please-be assured, even with all the hype, H1N1 is very similar to the typical flu. It spreads very easily, many will get it, and some casualties will come, but mainly to the very old and the very young, and the ill.

It all had me wondering, Do people really wash their hands after using the facilities, or just when others are looking? I found this information below, after I started looking.

Here is an interesting article from cleanlink.com. It might make you want to bring your own paper towels along with you, wherever you go too!

Survey: Handwashing Statistics and Paper Towel Preferences

In an online survey conducted this spring, 94 percent of U.S. adults said they always wash their hands after visiting a restroom. However, when asked what percentage of other people they thought washed their hands each time after using a public restroom, 99 percent of U.S. adults felt that other people don’t do so each time, and almost half (48 percent) felt that people wash their hands less than 50 percent of the time after using a restroom.

Not surprisingly, visiting a public restroom is the situation that ranks highest in terms of health and hygiene concerns for U.S. adults. Asked during which situations they would be most concerned about health and hygiene risks, adults selected:
• Visiting a public restroom, 44 percent
• Preparing food or meals, 26 percent
• Contact with other adults, 9 percent 
Other answers were: contact with babies/children, 7 percent; contact with animals, 3 percent; other, 2 percent; and not sure, 8 percent.

“Clearly people think public restrooms present a hygiene risk and claim they are washing their hands after using those restrooms,” said Mike Kapalko, Environmental and Tork Services Manager, SCA Tissue North America. “But their observations of others in public restrooms indicate that a large percentage of them are not actually doing so.”

The survey results show that most people, given a choice in a public restroom, would prefer to dry their hands with paper towels. Asked how they would prefer to dry their hands in a public restroom if they had a choice, among those who visit public restrooms: 55 percent selected paper towels followed by high velocity jet air dryer, 25 percent; hot air dryer, 16 percent; linen or cloth towel, 1 percent; and not sure, 2 percent.

The majority of respondents, 59 percent, also selected paper towels as the fastest method for drying hands, followed by: high velocity jet air dryer, 25 percent; linen or cloth towel, 8 percent; hot air dryer, 4 percent; and not sure, 4 percent.

Asked what they thought was the recommended length of time to actively wash hands with soap and water after using the restroom, 38 percent said 30 seconds and 28 percent said 20 seconds, followed by: 60 seconds, 14 percent; over 60 seconds, 8 percent; 40 seconds, 6 percent and 10 seconds, 6 percent.

‘The recommended procedure for washing hands in restrooms is to wet them, then thoroughly wash with soap for 20 seconds before rinsing off and drying them completely with a paper towel,” said Kapalko. “If faucets are not touchless, it is further recommended that the paper towel be used to shut them off to keep from re-contaminating their hands.”

The survey also asked questions to determine opinions on the most hygienic and effective ways for drying hands and reducing bacteria levels. In both cases, the opinions reflected in this poll have been disproved in a controlled experiment conducted late last year by Westminster University in London.

Asked for the most hygienic method for drying wet hands, respondents selected: high velocity jet air dryer, 41 percent; paper towel, 31 percent;  and hot air dryer, 20 percent. Not sure was selected by 6 percent and linen or cloth by 2 percent.

Asked to rate each method as extremely, very, fairly, somewhat, or not at all effective in drying hands and reducing bacteria levels,  poll respondents gave extremely or very effective ratings to::
• High velocity jet air, 65 percent of respondents
• Paper towels, 53 percent
• Hot air dryer, 50 percent
• Air drying or drip drying, 19 percent
• Linen or cloth towels, 15 percent

“These opinions giving high marks to hot air and jet air dryers are fairly widespread among consumers, but scientific research shows that paper towels are not only more hygienic and effective but that hot air and jet air dryers actually do more harm than good when it comes to reducing bacteria in public washrooms,” said Kapalko.

“Controlled experiments conducted in December 2008 by scientists at the University of Westminster found that paper towel drying reduced the average number of bacteria on the finger pads by up to 76 percent and on the palms by up to 77 percent,” Kapalko said. “By comparison, electric hand dryers actually caused bacteria counts to actually increase.”

Test results of the Westminster study showed:
• Traditional warm air dryers increased the average number of bacteria by 194 percent on the finger pads and by 254 percent on the palms.
• Jet air dryers increased the average number of bacteria on the finger pads by 42 percent and on the palms by 15 percent.

The scientists also carried out tests to establish whether there was the potential for cross contamination of other washroom users and the washroom environment as a result of each type of drying method. They found:
• The jet air dryer, which blows air out of the unit at claimed speeds of 400 mph, was capable of blowing micro-organisms from the hands and the unit and potentially contaminating other washroom users and the washroom environment up to 6.6 feet away.
• Use of a traditional warm air hand dryer spread micro-organisms up to 31.5 inches from the dryer.
• Paper towels showed no significant spread of micro-organisms.

“The Westminster results confirmed previous studies that show thorough hand drying with a paper towel is not only the most effective way to dry hands and reduce bacteria but also the most hygienic when it comes to preventing the spread of bacteria in public restrooms,” Kapalko said.

The commissioned survey was conducted by Harris Interactive on behalf of the Tork brand of SCA Tissue North America and drew 2,516 U.S. adult respondents 18 or older — 46 percent male and 54 percent female.  It was conducted Feb. 26 through March 2, 2009.

My Top 5 Reasons/signs you may be burned out on church

1. You find yourself thinking up illnesses that would suffice for excuses for staying home. Sometimes you even invent names like Snufflititus or Schnozatigo: The serious redness and inflammation of the area beneath the nose from too much tissue rubbing. Rx Coffee, remote control, rest, snacks, and tissues with lotion built-in.

2. You suddenly realize how cool, smart, and savvy the early Sunday morning tv shows are, and feel like you might be getting a raw deal but missing them.

3. You feel deeply offended that your church doesn’t care too much that the coffee offered tastes something like armpit, and you start to identify this characteristic with an inherent spiritual problem of your congregation. (perhaps the misusing of the gift of hospitality) 

4. You start to pick apart the pastor’s sermon with a graph, and two columns of hatch marks on your church bulletin, adding up the times he is substituting a self-aggrandizing story instead of using a true parable to teach a point.

5. You find getting tapped for nursery duty a welcomed relief, because you won’t really have to talk to anybody, watch a worship performance you won’t enjoy, or try to not yawn an ungodly amount of times as you try to get through a sermon the pastor must have downloaded from somewhere late Saturday night.

Okay, this was a purposefully whacky list. If you can relate to any of these internal excuses, signs, or avoidance qualities, in some sort of way, then maybe the experience of attending church has grown stale.

It’s normal to have spiritual slumps. It can’t be wise to think of walking with God as a continual emotional high, and when it’s not experienced as such, something is horribly wrong. Like any journey, there will be hills and valleys. Faithfulness demonstrated as a choice done continually, (rather than a feeling-based action) can really see us through times like this. God is always with us, whether we “feel” him or not.

However, I’ll make a different point. There is also a tendency to fall into a consumer mindset, and feel like church-going is like shopping, and picking out something you like. We probably all do it, to an extent. Have you ever walked out of the service on Sunday thinking, “That wasn’t really what I was hoping for,”? Yep. Unmet expectations are common. But, it doesn’t have to wreck the whole bit of it.

Church doesn’t have to delight us every time, and soothe us. Most times it won’t feed us, not in the deep ways we crave. Those times are often found in community that can plumb to greater depths, and do the harder work, but build the stronger bonds that make genuine growth possible. (Think small groups, or spiritual directors, spiritual mentors, and discipleship situations.)

Church isn’t just some way to get recharged for your week, and be poured into. But, have you noticed how easy it is to slip into that bare minimum, and consumerist outlook of it? I have. I’ve been guilty of it way too much.

It’s not about just an experience, nor is it just meant for worshiping God with others. We worship God all the time, whether we do it poorly and unawares, or we tune in and give him our whole selves. We are his creation, our lives lived are a form of worship, like it or not.

Church-going, and the whole of the spiritual walk, are about applying the gospel to our lives in every circumstance and situation, the whole way through. God’s grace and love came down. He draws us to him. He restores. It seems we co-opt and yield to his mighty, gracious work to changing us radically, to be more like him.

Sometimes it just comes down to sucking it up. Sometimes it means you have to change, not your local church.

Have you ever been burned out on church, like I have, at one time or another? What helped you?

Leave any kinds of comments you’d like.

Dark Night of the Soul- Part 1

Q: Where did the term “dark night of the soul” come from?

R: The phrase first turned up in the poetry of Spanish Carmelite monk John of the Cross in the 16th Century. He composed many poems while in torment in prison.

Q: “Dark” seems awfully negative, is it?

R: In Spanish the term is closer to the word “obscure”. Though the process may be confusing and painful, “dark” is not implying a negative state. It is a description, especially once one is aware of the progression of growth involved, and knows how the dawn will approach.

Q: Is the “dark night of the soul” the same as depression?

R: No. It’s also not a “spiritual term” for the suffering of someone who needs help for trauma/abuse, medical treatment for illness (mental and otherwise), and/or therapy. Sometimes the two states are seen hand-in-hand, and many times they are not.

Q: Are there different kinds of “dark nights” of the soul?

R: Yes. John of the Cross spoke of a “dark night” involving the senses, and one involving the spirit. One may have numerous dark nights of the senses. (I will go into more detail in future posts.)

Q: What is a good way to recognize a “dark night”.

R: A dark night of the senses may “feel” as though modes of prayer, experiencing the spiritual, or spiritual practices don’t “work” or satisfy. God may “feel” out of reach, distant, unavailable, or gone. It may feel like a dry period, or a time of being in a spiritual dessert. (This is not cause for discouragement or alarm, but for stamina. It is a Divine invitation for growth, and greater spiritual depth beyond what one knows. I will elaborate on what is taking place more in future posts.)

Next time I will post about the “dark night and ‘union with God’,” the process of the “dark night,” any questions/responses that come in from this post, and more. Come back soon.

Information taken from my reading: Gerald G. May, M.D. The Dark Night of the Soul: A Psychiatrist Explores the Connection Between Darkness and Spiritual Growth. Harper San Francisco, 2004.

My (upcoming) book Life as Prayer: A New Paradigm for contemporary Spirituality Inspired by Ancient Piety dedicates a whole chapter to this topic. I will update this blog with details as this work continues. Thanks for your interest. I welcome your thoughts and comments.

Now, Read PART II