What Parents of Disabled Children Wish You Knew (PART 1)

Nathan is weird. Embrace it! (Pssssst. You’re weird too.)

I’m taking a Theology of Disabilities course right now. I have to admit that some baggage that I didn’t realize I was carrying has gotten heavy. I’m putting it down, starting now. The truth is, I realize I have felt disappointed by the church, and by my church. I’m hurt that the church has failed so badly in helping the disabled (specifically my disabled child) feel like they really belong. It’s not just about allowing the disabled to be there near us, it’s about really knowing them, and really appreciating who they are, because God made them, and they are valuable.

Ya see, times have changed. When I grew up in the 1980s, we’d all make fun of kids that “rode the short bus”…maybe not to their face, but imitating “Tards” was something I excelled at. I was hilarious. I was the disabled one, if we’re telling the truth here. I was spiritually retarded. God gave me a precious gift in my son to show me God’s true heart. To show me my true humanity. The disabled personify the weakness we avoid. Nathan helps me get over my human/secular and foolish ideas about what it means to belong and be successful in God’s worldview.

Here’s the other cool thing. God gave me Nathan to share with you, too!

I think, my generation still fears the disabled. I doubt many will dare admit it. (It’s not politically correct, and we can’t look like uncaring jerks, right?) To most of us, the disabled are still a stigmatized and strange group; and we don’t know what to do with them…we don’t know what to do around them…we aren’t sure what they need. It’s all quite uncomfortable. Gosh, we are so glad we are not them. And we’re afraid. Afraid of the unknown and the unfamiliar, and the “other”.

Here’s the surprising twist. Our (non disabled) kids don’t have the same mentality. They don’t. Over the last 10-20 years, those with disabilities haven’t been sent away to special schools. They have been included, or in far closer proximity to typically developing children. The secular, public schools have outdone, and surpassed the church in this area of grace. They have honored and accepted disabled kids more than the church.

Please. Read those 2 previous sentences again…Slowly. Okay, never mind. I’ll just state it again: They (secular institutions and those who are a part of them) have honored and accepted disabled kids more than the church has.

(Yes. You should feel convicted right now. Even crying wouldn’t be over-the-top.)

As a Parent:
As the mom of a disabled child, I find that typically developing children, with just the a little bit of prompting or advice, adjust very well to interacting with my son, as if he’s a real human being who desires friendship. They even enjoy him! (It’s not just charity. It’s reciprocal friendship. It’s the kind of relating where everyone wins.)

On the other hand, I find that it is the parents of these (non disabled) children who are fearful, and unwilling to engage with my son, beyond the superficial. They are fearful enough to not help their child build friendships, or regularly interact with a disabled peer, or near-peer. They don’t create an easy opportunity for their child to grow, learn and become more compassionate. They don’t make it priority. As a child’s primary guide, this is a gross failure.

Church:
But this is different at church, right? It’s a place of acceptance, and hospitality, and belonging, right? God’s love is shown in tangible ways, right? WRONG. My son has more meaningful relationships and friendships, and more grace shown to him with non Christians, in secular (even godless) environments, and with neighborhood children. (See, the government schools have been telling these kids that atypical kids were worth interacting with.)

KIDS @ PLAY
Once upon a time, I bemoaned to a woman at church the fact that Nathan had no friends at church, no meaningful interactions with any church children, no invitations extended to him to play with them, go to their birthday parties, or even watch a movie together (even after we had make a lot of efforts to create those situations and occasions). Her reply, “Well, I can’t force my kids to play with certain kids, and to like certain friends.”

I listened to her statement, and I didn’t really know what to say. This mom was prominent in the church. I didn’t challenge it. Upon reflection, I should have said, “LIKE HELL YOU CAN’T!”

As parents, we do it all the time. We curb or we encourage friendships for our kids regularly. Do we let our kids hang out with teenagers on the corner who are smoking? Uh, no. Does a naughty and petulant child get to sleep over? No. What about the children who bite, hit, or cuss? Do they get to make cookies in our kitchen with us? Nope. We influence our kids all the time. The fact is fear stops our hospitality. We stick with our comfort level, and pick our favorites.

I’m here to tell you that God has given us these different sounding and acting people as gifts, to teach us so much, but we don’t choose to interact, learn and be gracious.

“But I can’t find a disabled kid… What am I supposed to do?”
Well, try harder. Open your eyes. Ask around. Do you want the truth? The facts? Here they are: Do you live near 5 other homes? If you walk down your street, and pass 5 homes, 1 of those homes will be effected by disability.  1/5 of families are effected by disability everyday. 

Do you know more than 6 children? If you know 6 children, 1 of them is likely to have a form of autism, or developmental issue.

Sometimes, I hear this: “Is it my job? How can I be responsible for knowing other people’s needs. I’m just not in their shoes.”
Yes. It’s your job. A frequent reason (or cop out) is saying that the parents of disabled children should just say what they need, and make the efforts to get their kids included. BULL CRAP!

Just thinking up a list of wants and needs would sound exhausting to a parent of a disabled child. Some days, they are just trying to make it through the day without losing their minds. Over 85% percent of marriages don’t survive when a child has a disability. It’s tougher than you think it is.

Listen. These parents have enough to deal with. Wake up! They have enough to do than to also make sure typical children are accepting and relating to their disabled kid/s. Mostly, they are tired. It doesn’t feel worth the effort. Failure seems sure. They are surrounded by frequent disappointments, the broken dream of not having a normal kid, and lots of scheduling issues and therapeutic measures in school, community, and other locations that help their kid or their family. They don’t have enough energy to get people on board with that type of stuff on top of everything else. (Ask them what a typical week is like, go ahead.)

YOUTH GROUP
My son went from being very excited to be old enough to be included in the middle school Sunday School section (See, in 5th grade…you get to sit on cozy couches!!) to now, about a year later, in 6th grade, detesting Sunday School, feeling like an outcast (even more than he had before), and now he doesn’t even believe in God. He says, “God is an unbelievable story.” It must seem like a fairy tell because he doesn’t see the love of God displayed toward him.

Based on the way many Christians behave toward him, he has an excellent point.

Like plenty of other children with autism or developmental disabilities (BTW…”developmental disabilities ” is nicest term for “retards” or the “mentally retarded”), Nathan doesn’t get abstract ideas like, “Is Jesus in your heart?” (He hears, “Is a bearded man in your chest cavity?” Utter nonsense!)

Nathan can’t see or touch Jesus; we have to be Jesus for him. He has to experience love-in-action, benefit from it, and be allowed to return this love as an equal. I don’t know if it’s too late for my church to be hospitable in the way that he’ll to want to be a part of it. I will keep that hope. I’m writing this now to start a change in how we respond and interact, so other kids with disabilities can feel like they belong, and are loved and accepted.

TIPS to get you started (for kids and adults)
• Interaction doesn’t have to be hours of incredibly awesome friendship per day or week. A blood brother bond is not necessary. But, the interaction should be authentic, not out of duty or pity. Something simple like making something for them, sharing something, or just chatting pleasantly with them is plenty for starters.

• Asking about their interests (direct questions are best, maybe even just asking “yes or no” questions, at first), and then actually listening to them (even when you may not always understand them or know what to say) is helpful. They WILL understand when you care about them. Just take a bit of time to be gracious. It’ll do you good.

• Inviting them over for a snack, to watch a movie, take a walk, ride bikes, play with your pet, or play videos games may be enjoyable for them, and of course invite the family if possible. Ask if you can visit them. Create times that are specially for them, even if they are brief periods. 30-45 minutes is fine. (But realize they will love you for it, and want to do it again soon. My son never seems to stop talking about the boy we invited over to play, about 2 months ago.)

• Offer them yourself. Nothing fancy. Invest in them for real, emotionally, and with some of your time and efforts. When you offer authentic friendship it looks different than just a saying or doing the “right thing”. You take a risk.)

• Help them make a craft, picture, or a simple snack, play a game, look at a book, build with legos, and take the time to talk to them, or just be close by and attentive, etc. and show them you like them.

• Offer the parents of disabled kids respite time. Give them an hour or two break, and get the help, information, and extra helpers you may need to care for the child. (Only 10% of churches do this. Change this statistic.)

• Be inviting.
What’s the worst that could happen if you invite a family over to your house? Maybe the child will do something unpredictable, and you won’t know what to do? Maybe you will feel uncomfortable? Get Over it.

MOVING FORWARD:

Where and how have you seen the disabled as full-fledged participants in your community or ministry? (How was it done rightly?)

AND–
How can I help you? If you want to show kindness, or God’s love to a family of a disabled person, or to a disabled person, What are your questions or concerns?

What about including or interacting with the disabled would you like to know? 

What are your fears? Share them.

Let’s get this ball rolling. No question is off limits. Your comments, or experiences can be shared as well.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for changing for the better.
-Lisa 

Published by

Spark My Muse

Lisa Colón DeLay writes often on matters of the attending to the inner life, creating a beloved community, spiritual formation, and consciousness. She is also a designer, teacher, speaker, and host of the weekly broadcast Spark My Muse since 2015. Lisa is Latina (born in Puerto Rico) and holds an MA in Spiritual Formation and is the author of "The Wild Land Within" (Broadleaf Books) and other books.

9 thoughts on “What Parents of Disabled Children Wish You Knew (PART 1)”

  1. Hey Lisa,  I enjoyed your post.  I blogged on it and linked to your post.  Hope that’s ok!  Thanks for the tips.  Sherri

  2. Lisa–Thanks for such a heartfelt piece. My church is about a block away from a large “group home,” and a number of residents there attend our church.

    They come to Sunday School–regularly and faithfully–even though they say they don’t understand it much of the time. Then they stay for the service, singing, giving offerings, praying, listening to the sermon. One of them said to me this past Sunday, “Wow, I wish I had gotten more of what he was talking about.” But she’ll be back next week, and the next. (How many of us say, “I get nothing out of his sermons” and change churches??)

    They sometimes read scripture, or testify or share prayer requests, during weekly services. They are not afraid, as so many of us are, to simply be themselves. (How many folks in your church wear plastic smiles and say that everything’s fine, week after week, when they’re hurting or dying or desperate? Do you? Do I?)

    They come to fellowship meals, our monthly community pancake breakfast, and congregational meetings–again, often more faithfully than many others. (“I’m so busy, I just don’t have time for things like that.”)

    These men and women (and only privacy concerns keep me from sharing their names) are our friends. They are a vital part of our congregation; we would miss them terribly if they left.

    Are there difficulties and problems? Of course. Then again, are there any difficulties with the so-called “normal” people at your church?

    Have we had to change the way we do things? Of course. Have we had to be careful about certain issues? Of course.

    But, really, if Jesus showed up today, would he be hanging out with the powerful, the rich, the beautiful? Would he want to be friends with the Real Housewives crowd?

    Or would he stoop to look Lisa’s son Nathan in the eye and say, “Hey, buddy?”

    I’m betting on the latter.

    Let’s be like Jesus, brothers and sisters. Let’s seek out those we think are different. Because in the end . . . we realize that we’re all broken, too.  We all need Jesus.

  3. Woohoo!  I don’t know you but I feel like saying you go girl!  Thanks for this.  Sherri shared this on her blog.  I am one of her friends with children with Autism.  
    With your permission, I am writing up a similar list using most of your points (since my boys are non-verbal) for a family gathering in November where I have encountered a fear of engagement with my boys.
    Thanks again
    Janice Nicholson

  4. Wait a minute, Lisa.  I do know you.  Cabin 18 at LiLoLi!
    How are ya!
    It’s Janice Ewart BTW

  5. My son with PDD was kicked out of the Sunday school program because the teachers were uncomfortable. One teacher insisted that he sit a ‘pay attention’ and finally grabbed his arm. He pulled her arm off of his and bruised her. He was punished by expulsion from Sunday school.

    He was very sad and took a long time to not look longingly when the others were dismissed. That was many years ago. He still decided to be baptised. He still is committed to Jesus.

    I wish the church would show the grace and mercy that it had 100-200 years ago when it taught the world that orphans and the disabled were people. Now the government finally caught the idea and the church has walked away. Maybe we all need some time in the Old Testament to remind us about God’s heart for those in need.

    Chuck Fry

  6. Check out this article: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/18/us/autistic-and-seeking-a-place-in-an-adult-world.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1&hp

  7. Loved this blog post! It has been a long time coming.

    Let me start by saying that I have a most tender church, sensitive to all kinds of disabilities. Christ’s love is evident  and I don’t feel they have ostracised my Everett.

    Grover, our pastor made integration a priority when he picked Ev to take the offering every Sunday. He enjoys feeling included and knows this holy time is a special job selected just for him.

    Sometimes our pastor’s wife will allow Ev to help her in the kitchen by making lemonade for our fellowships. Simple things like this go a long way in making these kids feel a part of a greater whole.

    There is one special guy named Geoff who often sits to eat with Ev at our Sunday lunch fellowhips and you can see him engaging in meaningful conversations. Geoff is also protective of Everett. He watches over him at times when he wanders off to parking lots to get something from our car. Geoff is one of our local seminary students and preaches often at Windsor. He is a jewel.

    There is another young man named Aaron who has offered to give Ev art classes. He feels that many kids with disabilities often find a release by expressing themselves on canvas. I love Aaron and his beautiful heart. We have not made this activity happen yet, but I’m glad this blog jogged my brain to this offer. I think I’ll talk to him about it next time I see him.

    We are blessed by our church, however your post made me recall places that have not been so hospitable. Yes, even within ‘Christian’ circles and churches. Still there are many people whom are obviously uncomfortable with Everett.  I don’t blame them. Many people have just not been exposed to kids like these. But it hurts, nontheless.  I am surprised by the adults who obviously do not want their kids engaging with my son. This rejection hurts most of all. No, Ev’s disability will not rub off and make your kid dumber. Actually, I wish  parents would only see that the interaction will make their kids richer. Ev has alot to offer. 
    I wish people knew that interacting with kids like Ev and Nathan  can open  up  eyes of understanding; things one never knew about oneself. It can be an amazing experience.  All, we as parents wish is that more people would try.
    Thanks again for posting. I will be sharing it.

    es

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