In the start of a new year…sometimes we cast a vision for the next 12 months.
Sometimes it’s through a New Year’s resolution or a multipage strategic proposal.
Here are 5 things to keep in mind as you craft a healthy vision for the months to come.
• Don’t decide a vision in a relational vacuum.
(Make use of community to account for the blind spots or gaps you’ll have. Trust me you have them.)
• Don’t forget to have “check-ups”
(Every 2-3 months re-energize the vision cast by reiterating the vision, for some extra oomph. Gosh it’s fun to type “oomph”!
• Adjust the vision when needed.
(Since vision-casting is future oriented, it’s a mistake to act if it’s written in stone. During the check-ups see what needs to be adjusted, added, or put aside.)
• Focus on the strengths of your team.
(Whether it’s a personal or team vision-casting for the year, play to your strengthens.)
• The vision trifacta! Set immediate, intermediate, and longer-range goals.
(Part of making progress is sensing movement. Accomplishing some short term goals right away boosts morale. It’s a psychological edge.)
This post is part of a synchro blog. To access other thoughts on vision-casting, or to add your own to the mix go HERE.
Confession:
I can’t read parts of The Little Prince without weeping.
I’m hardly the weeping type, and yet…
the aching truth on vulnerability and intimacy contained in The Little Prince cuts all the way down to my what turns out to be a gooey marshmallow core; it gets in deep.
In reading The Little Prince,
I learn afresh this: Only love can tame you. Everything else that tames is just subjugation.
…it was then that the fox appeared.
“good morning” said the fox.
“good morning”
the little prince responded politely
although when he turned around he saw nothing.
“I am right here” the voice said, “under the apple
tree.”
“Who are you?” asked the little prince, and added, “You are very pretty to look at.”
“I am a fox”, the fox said.
“Come and play with me,”
proposed the little prince, “I am so unhappy.”
“I cannot play with you,” the fox said,
“I am not tamed.”
“AH please excuse me,”said the little prince.
But after some thought, he added:
“What does that mean—‘tame’?”
“You do not live here,” said the fox,
“what is it you are looking for?”
“I am looking for men,” said the little prince.
“What does that mean—tame?”
“Men,”said the fox,
“they have guns, and they hunt.
It is very disturbing.
They also raise chickens.
These are their only interests.
Are you looking for chickens?”
“No,” said the little prince.
“I am looking for friends.
What does that mean—tame?”
“It is an act too often neglected,”
said the fox.
“It means to establish ties.”
“To establish ties?”
“It’s just that,” said the fox. “To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world….”
“Please–tame me!” said the Fox.
“I want to, very much,” the little prince replied. “But I have not much time. I have friends to discover, and a great many things to understand.”
“One only understands the things that one tames,” said the fox. “Men have no more time to understand anything. They buy things all ready made at the shops. But there is no shop anywhere where one can buy friendship, and so men have no friends any more. If you want a friend, tame me . . .”
“What must I do, to tame you?” asked the little prince.
“You must be very patient,” replied the fox. “First you will sit down at a little distance from me–like that–in the grass. I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye, and you will say nothing. Words are the source of misunderstandings. But you will sit a little closer to me, every day . . .”
“You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed.”
Have you been tamed?
If you haven’t been, and you want to be, just ask.
This theme was worked into the book I co-wrote with Doug Jackson “Dog in the Gap”…
You may want to read it. It could change everything.
As a kid I loved cracker jacks. It wasn’t for the coated popcorn, it was for the experience of finding a surprise. I hunted down the peanuts and the toy surprise straightaway. My hands would get sticky scrounging toward the bottom of the box, but it was worth the effort–even if the humidity made the box soft and the popcorn a untied front against me. The real jackpot was when I scored some water-based sailor tattoos. An anchor or a heart that read “mom” and had an arrow shot through it.
Inspiration and Creativity have a lot to do with finding the “toy inside the moment”. Locating the surprise. We get lazy about this sometimes. We stop looking. Don’t we?
Here are 5 ways to disrupt the ordinary to find the surprise at the bottom of the box you’re in right now.
1. Eagle’s eye – worm’s eye. What did this look like from somewhere else? Change your perspective, maybe even your actual physical perspective. If you still can’t tell, ask around.
2. Kiddie Ride it. How might a child approach the situation in terms of curiosity, wonder, or even naiveté? You’re familiarity with your situation may be too stifling to find surprises. A breakthrough can come when we treasure hunt for wonder. And by the way, cynicism kills wonder.
3. Stew it. Have you noticed how some things come to their fullest potential after they mull or stew for a while? This applies to more than food. Try a slow cooker approach: First write down your concerns and obstacles, and then fully set aside your situation or dilemma for 2 or 3 days. Give your unconscious mind time to simmer on things. Rest, work on something new, and absorb beauty in art or nature. Then, encounter your situation again nice and fresh. Jot out your new ideas before you get out your list, and then you’ll uncover some surprises. It’s like shaking the box to get the goodies to shift.
4. Play When was the last time you were lost in joy? Let yourself really enjoy something for the fun of it without worry. Something simple, like when you were young and carefree. Cease the day and suck the marrow out of life. It could be the mental break you truly need to find the primo surprise.
5. Shhh Are you pulled in a bunch of different directions? Media, relationships, obligations, work, projects, and commitments can make finding the good surprises all but impossible. Unplug. Turn down the “life noise” for several uninterrupted hours. You’ll start to feel human again, and that’s important. You can’t discover surprises in a mosh pit atmosphere, right?
What was the last thing that surprised you in a good way?
Nathan is weird. Embrace it! (Pssssst. You’re weird too.)
I’m taking a Theology of Disabilities course right now. I have to admit that some baggage that I didn’t realize I was carrying has gotten heavy. I’m putting it down, starting now. The truth is, I realize I have felt disappointed by the church, and by my church. I’m hurt that the church has failed so badly in helping the disabled (specifically my disabled child) feel like they really belong. It’s not just about allowing the disabled to be there near us, it’s about really knowing them, and really appreciating who they are, because God made them, and they are valuable.
Ya see, times have changed. When I grew up in the 1980s, we’d all make fun of kids that “rode the short bus”…maybe not to their face, but imitating “Tards” was something I excelled at. I was hilarious. I was the disabled one, if we’re telling the truth here. I was spiritually retarded. God gave me a precious gift in my son to show me God’s true heart. To show me my true humanity. The disabled personify the weakness we avoid. Nathan helps me get over my human/secular and foolish ideas about what it means to belong and be successful in God’s worldview.
Here’s the other cool thing. God gave me Nathan to share with you, too!
I think, my generation still fears the disabled. I doubt many will dare admit it. (It’s not politically correct, and we can’t look like uncaring jerks, right?) To most of us, the disabled are still a stigmatized and strange group; and we don’t know what to do with them…we don’t know what to do around them…we aren’t sure what they need. It’s all quite uncomfortable. Gosh, we are so glad we are not them. And we’re afraid. Afraid of the unknown and the unfamiliar, and the “other”.
Here’s the surprising twist. Our (non disabled) kids don’t have the same mentality. They don’t. Over the last 10-20 years, those with disabilities haven’t been sent away to special schools. They have been included, or in far closer proximity to typically developing children. The secular, public schools have outdone, and surpassed the church in this area of grace. They have honored and accepted disabled kids more than the church.
Please. Read those 2 previous sentences again…Slowly. Okay, never mind. I’ll just state it again: They (secular institutions and those who are a part of them) have honored and accepted disabled kids more than the church has.
(Yes. You should feel convicted right now. Even crying wouldn’t be over-the-top.)
As a Parent:
As the mom of a disabled child, I find that typically developing children, with just the a little bit of prompting or advice, adjust very well to interacting with my son, as if he’s a real human being who desires friendship. They even enjoy him! (It’s not just charity. It’s reciprocal friendship. It’s the kind of relating where everyone wins.)
On the other hand, I find that it is the parents of these (non disabled) children who are fearful, and unwilling to engage with my son, beyond the superficial. They are fearful enough to not help their child build friendships, or regularly interact with a disabled peer, or near-peer. They don’t create an easy opportunity for their child to grow, learn and become more compassionate. They don’t make it priority. As a child’s primary guide, this is a gross failure.
Church: But this is different at church, right? It’s a place of acceptance, and hospitality, and belonging, right? God’s love is shown in tangible ways, right? WRONG. My son has more meaningful relationships and friendships, and more grace shown to him with non Christians, in secular (even godless) environments, and with neighborhood children. (See, the government schools have been telling these kids that atypical kids were worth interacting with.)
KIDS @ PLAY
Once upon a time, I bemoaned to a woman at church the fact that Nathan had no friends at church, no meaningful interactions with any church children, no invitations extended to him to play with them, go to their birthday parties, or even watch a movie together (even after we had make a lot of efforts to create those situations and occasions). Her reply, “Well, I can’t force my kids to play with certain kids, and to like certain friends.”
I listened to her statement, and I didn’t really know what to say. This mom was prominent in the church. I didn’t challenge it. Upon reflection, I should have said, “LIKE HELL YOU CAN’T!”
As parents, we do it all the time. We curb or we encourage friendships for our kids regularly. Do we let our kids hang out with teenagers on the corner who are smoking? Uh, no. Does a naughty and petulant child get to sleep over? No. What about the children who bite, hit, or cuss? Do they get to make cookies in our kitchen with us? Nope. We influence our kids all the time. The fact is fear stops our hospitality. We stick with our comfort level, and pick our favorites.
I’m here to tell you that God has given us these different sounding and acting people as gifts, to teach us so much, but we don’t choose to interact, learn and be gracious.
“But I can’t find a disabled kid… What am I supposed to do?”
Well, try harder. Open your eyes. Ask around. Do you want the truth? The facts? Here they are: Do you live near 5 other homes? If you walk down your street, and pass 5 homes, 1 of those homes will be effected by disability. 1/5 of families are effected by disability everyday.
Do you know more than 6 children? If you know 6 children, 1 of them is likely to have a form of autism, or developmental issue.
Sometimes, I hear this: “Is it my job? How can I be responsible for knowing other people’s needs. I’m just not in their shoes.”
Yes. It’s your job. A frequent reason (or cop out) is saying that the parents of disabled children should just say what they need, and make the efforts to get their kids included. BULL CRAP!
Just thinking up a list of wants and needs would sound exhausting to a parent of a disabled child. Some days, they are just trying to make it through the day without losing their minds. Over 85% percent of marriages don’t survive when a child has a disability. It’s tougher than you think it is.
Listen. These parents have enough to deal with. Wake up! They have enough to do than to also make sure typical children are accepting and relating to their disabled kid/s. Mostly, they are tired. It doesn’t feel worth the effort. Failure seems sure. They are surrounded by frequent disappointments, the broken dream of not having a normal kid, and lots of scheduling issues and therapeutic measures in school, community, and other locations that help their kid or their family. They don’t have enough energy to get people on board with that type of stuff on top of everything else. (Ask them what a typical week is like, go ahead.)
YOUTH GROUP
My son went from being very excited to be old enough to be included in the middle school Sunday School section (See, in 5th grade…you get to sit on cozy couches!!) to now, about a year later, in 6th grade, detesting Sunday School, feeling like an outcast (even more than he had before), and now he doesn’t even believe in God. He says, “God is an unbelievable story.” It must seem like a fairy tell because he doesn’t see the love of God displayed toward him.
Based on the way many Christians behave toward him, he has an excellent point.
Like plenty of other children with autism or developmental disabilities (BTW…”developmental disabilities ” is nicest term for “retards” or the “mentally retarded”), Nathan doesn’t get abstract ideas like, “Is Jesus in your heart?” (He hears, “Is a bearded man in your chest cavity?” Utter nonsense!)
Nathan can’t see or touch Jesus; we have to be Jesus for him. He has to experience love-in-action, benefit from it, and be allowed to return this love as an equal. I don’t know if it’s too late for my church to be hospitable in the way that he’ll to want to be a part of it. I will keep that hope. I’m writing this now to start a change in how we respond and interact, so other kids with disabilities can feel like they belong, and are loved and accepted.
TIPS to get you started (for kids and adults) • Interaction doesn’t have to be hours of incredibly awesome friendship per day or week. A blood brother bond is not necessary. But, the interaction should be authentic, not out of duty or pity. Something simple like making something for them, sharing something, or just chatting pleasantly with them is plenty for starters.
• Asking about their interests (direct questions are best, maybe even just asking “yes or no” questions, at first), and then actually listening to them (even when you may not always understand them or know what to say) is helpful. They WILL understand when you care about them. Just take a bit of time to be gracious. It’ll do you good.
• Inviting them over for a snack, to watch a movie, take a walk, ride bikes, play with your pet, or play videos games may be enjoyable for them, and of course invite the family if possible. Ask if you can visit them. Create times that are specially for them, even if they are brief periods. 30-45 minutes is fine. (But realize they will love you for it, and want to do it again soon. My son never seems to stop talking about the boy we invited over to play, about 2 months ago.)
• Offer them yourself. Nothing fancy. Invest in them for real, emotionally, and with some of your time and efforts. When you offer authentic friendship it looks different than just a saying or doing the “right thing”. You take a risk.)
• Help them make a craft, picture, or a simple snack, play a game, look at a book, build with legos, and take the time to talk to them, or just be close by and attentive, etc. and show them you like them.
• Offer the parents of disabled kids respite time. Give them an hour or two break, and get the help, information, and extra helpers you may need to care for the child. (Only 10% of churches do this. Change this statistic.)
• Be inviting. What’s the worst that could happen if you invite a family over to your house? Maybe the child will do something unpredictable, and you won’t know what to do? Maybe you will feel uncomfortable? Get Over it.
MOVING FORWARD:
Where and how have you seen the disabled as full-fledged participants in your community or ministry? (How was it done rightly?)
AND–
How can I help you? If you want to show kindness, or God’s love to a family of a disabled person, or to a disabled person, What are your questions or concerns?
What about including or interacting with the disabled would you like to know?
What are your fears? Share them.
Let’s get this ball rolling. No question is off limits. Your comments, or experiences can be shared as well.
Thanks for reading. Thanks for changing for the better. -Lisa
I have been observing the spiritual journey of my autistic son, Nathan, quite closely for the last three or four weeks. If you haven’t been following the posts about it, here, this is the short version of the backstory:
Nathan, as of a few months ago, professed to not believing in God. This is a change from his former beliefs. He now claims that God, the Bible, and the stories of Christianity are “unbelievable stories,” as he says. It’s fake. A fraud.
The undertaking
To me, it seemed like the perfect time to more closely explore spiritual formation (a.k.a. discipleship) and theology as it pertains to disability. Besides encouraging Nathan in his spiritual formation (no matter how messy or personally unsettling or uncomfortable), I’ve hoped to learn from him, and share my findings. This includes studying on the theology of disability, and documenting Nathan’s time of exploration, with respect for my son’s unique spiritual growth process and experience of the world. For my readers, I’ve hoped to encourage deeper thought and consideration about spiritual growth, and the nature of God.
Where things are now
My attention to Nathan’s beliefs and journey, and the recording of them have reached a blockade. Nathan has expressed that he does not want to be filmed, and wants to not speak about the subject. He’s not ready to go about things this way. I will respect this. His basic sentiment is emotional, and preferential, not logical or given to dialogue. So, I will to put this closer study (at least of him, in a personal way) on hold, until a time comes when it seems productive to pick up with it again. I’ll post about it, occasionally, as insights, changes, or advancements occur. This story is far from over.
Bunny Studies
I got up early this morning and went out on the porch with my coffee to enjoy the unseasonably mild morning weather and take in the sights of the creatures that are neighbors with us. We have a few nests, some very vocal birds, several rabbit families, and a very clever chipmunk who has constructed an elaborate series of tunnels that I suspect could be a secret lair. This morning I saw him enter and leave two different homes, scale a brick chimney, shoot into the roof gutter, and out of sight, maybe to the attic of my neighbor’s home. Clearly, he’s up to something.
I saw a mother rabbit and her bunny nibbling at the dewy clover. They were relaxed in their surroundings, and quite hungry. It made me think of one of my favorite children’s stories: The classic called The Runaway Bunny by Margaret Wise Brown. The bunny hopes to be free from his mother, and tells her all the ways he plans to runaway. The mother rabbit does not tell him stay, but rather shows her steadfast love for him. She accepts his wild heart. She comforts him. For every idea he shares about leaving, she has a plan to love him faithfully and reunite with him. This story was refered to in a theological way profoundly in a film I saw called Wit starring Emma Thompson. It’s a movie that changed me, and help me see God, better.
Wit was adapted from the play W;t, by Margaret Edson. ( In the context of the play, the semicolon refers to the recurring theme of the use of a semicolon versus a comma in one of John Donne’s Holy Sonnets.) Wit won the 1999 Pulitzer Prize for Drama. The main character, Vivan, a college English professor, is dying of ovarian cancer. At the end, Vivan’s admired, former-professor and mentor comes to visit while she is in town for her great-grandson’s birthday. She comforts her and offers to read to her a Donne sonnet. Vivian, scarcely conscious, declines. So instead, Dr Ashford reads from Margaret Wise Brown‘s The Runaway Bunny, which she had bought for her great-grandson. She remarks that it offers a lovely “allegory of the soul”: Wherever the soul tries to hide, God, comfortingly, will find it. (This section was taken from Wikipedia. Read it in full, here.)
God is our Mother Rabbit. For my son, I am a flesh and blood representation of God to him. I am his mother rabbit, and his is my beloved bunny.
I realize, even more thoroughly than I had realized before, that part of growing up includes the professions of and steps toward independence. Perhaps consistent love faithfulness are the most helpful things we can offer children who are not yet mature enough to make their own way in the world.
Thank you for coming along for this leg of the journey. Your thoughts or comments are quite welcome here.
