Tag: relationships

Gleanings from Krasner

Dr KrasnerI got the great privilege to sit under the wise teaching of Dr Barbara Krasner yesterday. (Contextual therapy and a family systems-centered healing perspective.)

With 48 years of experience as a therapist and scholar can you imagine the depths of her knowledge and understanding? But, probably not.

Every sentence was 9 months pregnant with power and meaning. Each concept could be a textbook of its own. Wisdom. Truly.

Gleanings

One of the things that struck me was that she said the first 10 sessions of therapy is almost wasted. People come with certain expectations or barriers every time they first begin therapy, which delays healing.

• Often we simply just want the other person “fixed”.

• We are too ready and able to blame or judge, which the Dr says has zero value.

• We also hope for magic. They assume she will have powers and skills to quickly produce healing and normalcy for them.

She says that she sees her vocation not as a person who has the answers, or simple fixes, but as one can help others see resources they can use to help themselves. Resources they are unaware of or haven’t considered. Communication resources, options, starting points. She helps them look “under rocks to see what they’ve missed, to see what’s working, even if it’s the most basic thing. They may not realize that hope is a choice for them.

Communication and Transactions

Krasner says it’s important to “simultaneously translate” what a person is saying and what they are intending to say. What is heard is often misunderstood and one’s upbringing plays into how we hear others poorly.

• Understanding the context of the message and the person is critical for coming to points of healing and trust.

The biggest reason people divorce? 

• They cannot disagree and still stay connected.

(This is true for other kinds of troubled relationships also.)

The most important things we can teach our children?

• Forgiveness (With grounding in loving-kindess: Hesed love.)

 

90 Seconds to a genuine inner gaze

Two things that don’t really go together are SPEED and Introspection.

But in 90 seconds, I think you can get off the blocks and make that crucial first step to the kind of growth that can only happen by linking up with the transcendent through your unique humanity. An inner gaze has to start somewhere. If not, we get stuck.

Be warned, once you look inward it can be painful. This is one reason why it happens too infrequently. The point though is to get started. Sometime during the holiday weekend I’ll post something of a followup. Creating a useful tool for yourself…the spiritual autobiography (which is something I too will be doing for my Masters class work. I hope you’ll join me).

For now, follow these simple steps: 

  • 1. Get paper and a pen
  • 2. Jot down the first things that come to you mind as you read the list below. (Don’t linger on this list. Be speedy.)
  • 3. Put away your paper for 1-3 days.
  • 4. Revisit your notes in 1-3 days when you have 20 minutes or more. (I’ll remind you, here at the blog.)

Consider these questions:

  1. Look at your failed or troubled relationships and list similarities, and note what makes you angry about them, or things you fear.

  2. Examine past patterns and recurring themes in your thoughts and behavior. Note any patterns that you see.

  3. Uncover the commonalities in your interpersonal difficulties. Do the same troubles with others come back again and again? Note them.

  4. Label areas of stagnation in your life, (i.e. work, relationships, poor habits, etc.).

  5. Consult with trusted friends and objective sources to ferret out problem areas. Okay, this takes some time, so for now jot down a few names.

  6. Include a list of your good qualities/strengths, and places or ways you find encouragement. [This should be easy, because it’s the feel good part. Briefly, look for all the good you can and mark it down.]

(So, what did you think about these questions? Was it hard to do?)

photo credit

on Getting Tired

Here’s a little reminder that everyone gets tired.

Everyone gets unbalanced.

Maybe you’ll be touched deeply and start crying when you hear a rapper slinging rhymes, which is really weird, but I did that.

Maybe you’ll just feel a heaviness in your heart that you can’t pinpoint. A slow burning ache, like the weight of the broken world is pushing in and perched on your sternum.

Maybe you’ll see relationships so broken and confusing and full of turmoil that you’ll start to disconnect.

Maybe you’ll snap at your kids, or get angry at a stranger whose story you can’t possibily know.

And grace will leak away from you and your ideals will be shelved, and you’ll wonder if you’re really a person who still believes in goodness anymore.

Here’s a word for you…and for me….

It hurts to be alive.

There are mysteries we want to know but can’t unravel.

You. Will. Get. Tired.

In this sorrow we are not alone, because we are the same.

(If you’d like to share your worry today or your burden, please do. In the comment section or using the contact me tab. I’ll pray for you, and maybe you can pray for me.)

5 Reasons You can’t Fix People

creative commons photo. click for attribution.
  • (#1) Sorry to be blunt, but it’s just not your job. It never was.
  • (#2) You’re pretty crappy at fixing yourself.
    If you were good at fixing yourself, you would’t want to fix other people.
    In them (the “un-fixed”) you see yourself.
  • (#3) You don’t have that kind of power. It’s inappropriate to think you do.
  • (#4) People resent the condescension, so even if you try to be kind in the fixing it’s counterproductive.
  • (#5) People are supposed to have some unfixable spots.
    I write about “broken jars” here.

What are the alternatives?

  • Walk with people
  • Be a good influence
  • listen more
  • love more
  • learn more
What are some reasons or alternatives for you?

5 Ways to Get Whatever you Want

1. Shun Meaningful Relationships

  • The problem with interpersonal intimacy is that it diminishes one’s ability to hone self-centeredness. Once others start to matter you sometimes have to take them into consideration. Two Words, people: Lone Wolf.

2. Don’t Get Married/Stay Married

  • One of the first things you learn, and then continue to learn repeatedly through the years, is that marriage puts your selfishness under a looming, bright, hot spotlight. There is no need to build those skills of negotiating compromise, because unfettered selfishness is crucial to consistently getting what you want.

3. Don’t Be A Good Parent

  • From birth children are needy. Constantly, one must put his children’s welfare ahead of his own. Even one’s ambitious and preferences routinely are relegated to second priority, or much worse. All this practice of deferring weakens you, so you hardly ever get whatever you want. I’ve seen this happen a ton of times.

4. Don’t Commit to People or Ideals

  • Believing in something, or being loyal, severely compromises your abilities to get whatever you want. One minute you’re doing something nice for someone, or some cause, and the next minute your going well out of your way. Talk about getting derailed!

5. Don’t Grow Compassionate

  • As people elicit your pity, or draws you into some sort of endearment, it lights the fuse on the bomb that will eventually explode your efforts to get whatever you want.
If you can avoid all these trappings, you will probably grow expert at getting whatever you want. Of course don’t expect anyone to like it, or like you. As a kind of plague to those in your world, you will continue to seek meaning, but only find it rarely; and even then it will be fleetingly.
Have you been harmed selfishness?