Robert was a guy who wanted something. You could tell.
He wanted what a lot of people want. He wanted his idea out there. He wanted to get noticed and get recognized and make a better living. As an accomplished amateur guitarist he loved music and created a service focused at musicians. But, he couldn’t seem to get much traction.
After looking at his business and his marketing efforts I noticed something.
It was just below the surface but it tainted just about every Robert did.
Stinginess.
I didn’t come right out and tell him this, “Hey, friend, you’re stingy. People hate that. It’s like client repellant.” But, I did ask him a few questions and he stumbled onto the conclusion himself.
They were these 2 transformative questions:
1. What are your doing out of pure kindness to your target group? (What are doing to simply serve this group, without hoping for or gunning for something in return?)
2. Are you empathizing fully with your group and their needs?
( What are their biggest needs and how does that make you want to respond? What will you do about it?)
A big shift happened. A light in a dark room moment.
(That’s what I LOVE about good questions. They shift things.)
It was like a wall broke down for him. He started thinking. Really thinking. Then he starting looking through a new window (perspective & worldview). New options and possibilities came into view. Discouragement vanished.
Instead of being centered on scarcity and never having enough (money, clients, opportunities, options), Robert started remembering how much good he could do.
Doing good felt good.Soon, it actually made him a better person for it. This new spirit didn’t extend to just clients, but his friends and family benefitted as well.
The new generosity of spirit made all the difference.
His empathy supercharged his efforts.
His message got out better this way.
Here’s what happened:
He started offering some of his services for free, no strings attached. This was valuable. Several musicians caught on and passed along his information. One of those leads provided consistent income almost right away. Then he reached out to a few local non profit groups and gave them some great work for free. They gave him some positive public testimonials and a few direct referrals. (He wasn’t helping them so they could help him in return, but after he gave of himself so generously, they wanted to help him out.)
His old message came off like this: “I have something and you need it. You should want this.”
Result? Dead ends and closed spirits.
His new message consisted of actions that worked like a megaphone. They said, “I’ll come along side you. Everything will be fine. I got this. No worries.”
People started searching him out. He didn’t have to work as hard to be noticed because his actions were secret super powers.
• Empathy
• Kindness
• Generosity
It drew plenty of attention. The right kind of attention. People were happy to pay him because they saw more value in his service. The stingy people that didn’t want to fork over any money for the value he brought them faded into the background. The more he invested and gave to the 80-90% of the folks that valued him, the better things got.
CONCLUSION:
Remember your Secret Super Powers.
If you’ve hit a wall with a project there’s a simple fix: If promotion, marketing, exposure, or getting your message out has stalled in any way, revisit your levels of 1. empathy, 2. no-strings-attached-kindness, and 3. generosity.
Reinstitute a lot of that back into your efforts, let go of the wheel, and see what happens. These secret super powers only work best if you put your true heart into it and live it out fully.
They are fertile things that birth the same spirit and goodness back to you.
Now some questions for you…
What message are you trying to get out right now?
(A project, a book, an album, a class, a service, a product, etc.)
What’s a way you can be more empathic and generous? (In that spirit, let this be your first bit of exposure. You can share that here, if you’d like.)
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In past years I’ve focused on Advent here at the blog during this time of year.
Celebrating the season this way has been a recent addition. It’s something I didn’t know about when I was growing up and have found it a rich inclusion for not just me but from my family also. It has added to my spiritual awareness and created a way to better prepare the manger of my heart for the gift of Grace personified.
To find some other previous reflections that may interest you further, please do a search in the sidebar search field for “Advent”.
Although I will not be writing too many public reflections here related to Advent this year, I will be doing a personal Advent retreat and gathering up those things in my heart.
For now, I want to share a quote I found that seemed to have significance for me and I hope that you will too.
This is the perfect time to awaken.
Be blessed and may gratitude sustain your joy all through this season.
“Our spiritual life depends on [God’s] perpetual coming to us, far more than on our going to him. Every time a channel is made for him he comes; every time our hearts are open to him he enters, bringing a fresh gift of his very life, and on that life we depend. We should think of the whole power and splendor of God as always pressing in upon our small souls.”
–Evelyn Underhill
Is there something specific you can do to make this time of year more spiritually rich? If you can think of something, please share it in the comments.
Here’s a surprise for you.
Soul Care for Creators and Communicators is on special for just a tiny bit longer. Get the download. (It features Inspiration, Soul Care, and guidance if you making a habit of creating and communicating as a way of life. It will fill up your tank.)
Today, the people who haunt the blogs and freely spew their criticisms are known as trolls and I think there is a spot on parallel with that phenomenon and the point of this scriptural adage.
Here’s how the urban dictionary puts it:
troll
One who purposely and deliberately (that purpose usually being self-amusement) starts an argument in a manner which attacks others on a forum without in any way listening to the arguments proposed by his or her peers. He will spark of such an argument via the use of ad hominem attacks (i.e. ‘you’re nothing but a fanboy’ is a popular phrase) with no substance or relevence to back them up as well as straw man arguments, which he uses to simply avoid addressing the essence of the issue.
Not too many people troll around at this blog and make a mess. But once in a while. It’s not too often that I pontificate on a controversial topic. However, many do. I was at a blog recently where there were a few trolls about and the topic was a disputed sort. Antagonistic little buggers, cloaked (quite conveniently!) in anonymity were pig piling, gorging themselves on accusations and generally being unpleasant and ill-reasoned. (Note that Trolls tote suitcases! They are filled with lots of emotional contents. Baggage. The more baggage there is the more the trollish nature flares up.)
So, it reminded me of the deeper phenomenon, shown in the “pearls and swine” reference.
Rather than readers contemplating or valuing the expertise in any way, I heard the sounds, “Bounce, bounce, “oink!”
So why is that? And why pigs and dogs?
In the Middle East in Jesus’ time, dogs were rarely lovable pets (except maybe to a few the royal class who had time to breed and train them to be lap dogs or sporting dogs that were kept outside and used for hunting). They were not as we tame to be and treat them today. At best they guarded the property, lived on scraps and barked at strangers. Most had bad habits, went scrounging around like tenacious vultures with paws, and would ingest anything, like dead and rotting carrion. Frequently they’d get sick on the stuff and vomit. Then they would eat that too. Yuck.
They were cited in Biblical times as a cautionary tail…er…tale.
Proverbs 26:11
As a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly.
Pigs fit in the same category. Most people assume that the ancient world couldn’t prepare a delicious and diesease-free pork entrée. Not so. In ancient Summer, pigs were eaten frequently (like me, they adored bacon perhaps). But, in Egypt swine were considered gross and vile. This sentiment seemed to filter into the Levitical laws for the Hebrews who would have been exposed to that cultural norm and largely imitated those dietary preferences. That meant Pigs=yuck. Dogs too.
Even now, dogs and swine both are in the habit of eating most anything and undervaluing certain precious things, jewelry from instance. They will even eat their own excrement, so I’m told. Omnivores indeed! I can vouch for the the fact on dogs, but I have little experience with pigs. Nevertheless, both have undiscriminating tastes, or they have discriminating tastes that are arbitrary and illogical. They also write the worst restaurant reviews.
If a hungry dog or pig, especially if it is untamed, from the wild, and thinks you have food, it will take you out and gobble it up and maybe a few of your fingers too. (I saw Bear Grylls wrestle a Razor Back once.) Best not to bring true valuables to the barnyard or wilderness.
This leaves us with a problem as writers or even as blog comment-writers. Do we bother writing for the public with so many pigs about? With so many unappreciative trollers who are ready to eat us alive, we often end up writing for the folks who won’t value it. I can see why writers close down their comments sections. Pigs and trolls and dogs appear to have a lot of time on their idle hands!
But finding the right audience is hard, even among our friendships.
A friend of mine said something like, “When I write I think about what you’ll think; and if you’ll think it’s good or not. I don’t like the idea of you not liking it.” I told her, “Well, if I don’t like it, then it wasn’t written for me–it was written for someone else, and that’s fine.”
We aren’t writing for everyone. We are writing for the people who are ready and able to hear us, best.
If pigs or dogs eat your pearls, remember that the jewelry was never for them anyway. They trampled you down because they don’t know any better and they couldn’t comprehend the value you offered. Hold the hope that you will find those who see your pearls for what they are: valuable.
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I discovered Joy’s blog recently, and one thing that takes me aback just about every time I read her is a weighty honesty that packs a punch. Joy doesn’t do this with brutality, but with simple truth. The real picture of how she sees things at that moment. It is, if you permit me, true art.
Enjoy her fantastic and candid contribution to our series, and read her blog. You simply must.
Joy’s Bio:
I am a writer, thinker, asker of questions, mother, wife, and bereaved parent. My faith is very much still in process. I’ve blogged since 2005, writing on faith and doubt, family life with children with special needs, grief, and the depression that I only recognized a year after our oldest died at the age of 8. Views expressed are my own and do not reflect those of me yesterday or tomorrow.
Spiritual Authority and Blogging
Faith bloggers are a funny bunch. They tend to approach their craft with all the collaborative spirit of the Lone Ranger, writing off alone into the sunset on their trusty steed Scripture. I say “they” as if I’ve never done this myself. That would be false. I’m just as guilty of doing this as the next person, and I have the archives to prove it. In fact, some days I would advise against writing a faith blog at all.(link to a post)
Blogging, particularly about faith, is chiaroscurist, contrasts of dark shadows against light. In the shadow, the writer spends hours with her keyboard, pounding out words until they sound right. It’s solitary, unseen, mysterious.
With the click of the “publish” button, light explodes onto those solitary words, illuminating all that private idea-wrangling for anyone to see.
I denied this public/private dynamic for years, arguing that my blog was like my living room, in which I could do what I liked. While that is somewhat true, it is also true that this living room has glass walls and sits in the town square.
This is part of what I love about writing a blog. It isn’t private. Knowing someone might read it keeps me writing. Writing for actual readers (unlike in a journal) has been essential to keep me practicing my craft.
Words demand respect. They have power to convey anything when handled aright, even error. I’ll never forget one of my college professors illustrating the power of words with a story of convincing someone that it was a different day of the week. Interacting with someone’s words has great potential to teach, inspire, inform, persuade, amuse, grieve, anger, motivate, and more. If I love people as I love myself, I must consider the potential of my words to lead them in the wrong direction.
Now what? If words are so dangerous, should we just lay down our arms and wave the white flag? Maybe, but maybe not.
We need a way to determine if our words are doing harm or good. We need spiritual authority, a standard against which to measure our message and tone. And because it’s really difficult to read what we’ve really written (we tend to see what we’re trying to say, not what we actually said), we need other people to help us with this.
We are human and we will screw up. Often (or maybe that’s just me). We all need someone (or a few someones) who are willing to look at our words and our lives and call us out when we get distracted from our mission, start listening to our own hype, or try to take credit for what God has accomplished. This person knows our heart and our vision, and they will ask hard questions, work with us to express things clearly, and correct things when we’ve gotten something wrong.
My posts have fallen prey to a weak vision or poorly-considered concept, they’ve wandered down rabbit trails, and they’ve followed the lure of trendy topics and controversy’s ability to ratchet up page views. Some of these were harmless, but others caused confusion, hurt, concern, and questions about the status of various relationships with family, friends, and God. Some days I forget that God gave me a story and the words to tell it and that my blog is where I express my [messy and inconsistent and flawed] love for God and for you. Some days I decide that expressing myself and airing my grievances or opinions is more important than doing the hard work of resolving issues in person.
How do I know when I’ve screwed up on my blog? Sometimes I can tell from the comments. Most of the time, however, someone close to me calls me on it. They ask the hard questions about my motives and what’s really going on.
We each need people in our lives who know us well, who we will listen to, who can ask us those questions. They need to believe in us, and believe in our vision. My husband is one of these people for me. He and I believe that God gave me a story to tell and the words to tell it. My blog is, for now, where I strive to encourage others with that story. When I remember that, it keeps me from writing things that distract or detract. And when I forget, he’s there to say, “Hold up a minute. What do you mean by this? Because it sounds like this, and I know that isn’t what you mean.”
I’ll be honest. It has been difficult to hear those questions, and even more difficult to admit that I might need to do more editing or scrap a post altogether. But as much as I chafe at guidelines and accountability, I’ve learned that I need it in order to write (and serve) well.
Nathan is weird. Embrace it! (Pssssst. You’re weird too.)
I’m taking a Theology of Disabilities course right now. I have to admit that some baggage that I didn’t realize I was carrying has gotten heavy. I’m putting it down, starting now. The truth is, I realize I have felt disappointed by the church, and by my church. I’m hurt that the church has failed so badly in helping the disabled (specifically my disabled child) feel like they really belong. It’s not just about allowing the disabled to be there near us, it’s about really knowing them, and really appreciating who they are, because God made them, and they are valuable.
Ya see, times have changed. When I grew up in the 1980s, we’d all make fun of kids that “rode the short bus”…maybe not to their face, but imitating “Tards” was something I excelled at. I was hilarious. I was the disabled one, if we’re telling the truth here. I was spiritually retarded. God gave me a precious gift in my son to show me God’s true heart. To show me my true humanity. The disabled personify the weakness we avoid. Nathan helps me get over my human/secular and foolish ideas about what it means to belong and be successful in God’s worldview.
Here’s the other cool thing. God gave me Nathan to share with you, too!
I think, my generation still fears the disabled. I doubt many will dare admit it. (It’s not politically correct, and we can’t look like uncaring jerks, right?) To most of us, the disabled are still a stigmatized and strange group; and we don’t know what to do with them…we don’t know what to do around them…we aren’t sure what they need. It’s all quite uncomfortable. Gosh, we are so glad we are not them. And we’re afraid. Afraid of the unknown and the unfamiliar, and the “other”.
Here’s the surprising twist. Our (non disabled) kids don’t have the same mentality. They don’t. Over the last 10-20 years, those with disabilities haven’t been sent away to special schools. They have been included, or in far closer proximity to typically developing children. The secular, public schools have outdone, and surpassed the church in this area of grace. They have honored and accepted disabled kids more than the church.
Please. Read those 2 previous sentences again…Slowly. Okay, never mind. I’ll just state it again: They (secular institutions and those who are a part of them) have honored and accepted disabled kids more than the church has.
(Yes. You should feel convicted right now. Even crying wouldn’t be over-the-top.)
As a Parent:
As the mom of a disabled child, I find that typically developing children, with just the a little bit of prompting or advice, adjust very well to interacting with my son, as if he’s a real human being who desires friendship. They even enjoy him! (It’s not just charity. It’s reciprocal friendship. It’s the kind of relating where everyone wins.)
On the other hand, I find that it is the parents of these (non disabled) children who are fearful, and unwilling to engage with my son, beyond the superficial. They are fearful enough to not help their child build friendships, or regularly interact with a disabled peer, or near-peer. They don’t create an easy opportunity for their child to grow, learn and become more compassionate. They don’t make it priority. As a child’s primary guide, this is a gross failure.
Church: But this is different at church, right? It’s a place of acceptance, and hospitality, and belonging, right? God’s love is shown in tangible ways, right? WRONG. My son has more meaningful relationships and friendships, and more grace shown to him with non Christians, in secular (even godless) environments, and with neighborhood children. (See, the government schools have been telling these kids that atypical kids were worth interacting with.)
KIDS @ PLAY
Once upon a time, I bemoaned to a woman at church the fact that Nathan had no friends at church, no meaningful interactions with any church children, no invitations extended to him to play with them, go to their birthday parties, or even watch a movie together (even after we had make a lot of efforts to create those situations and occasions). Her reply, “Well, I can’t force my kids to play with certain kids, and to like certain friends.”
I listened to her statement, and I didn’t really know what to say. This mom was prominent in the church. I didn’t challenge it. Upon reflection, I should have said, “LIKE HELL YOU CAN’T!”
As parents, we do it all the time. We curb or we encourage friendships for our kids regularly. Do we let our kids hang out with teenagers on the corner who are smoking? Uh, no. Does a naughty and petulant child get to sleep over? No. What about the children who bite, hit, or cuss? Do they get to make cookies in our kitchen with us? Nope. We influence our kids all the time. The fact is fear stops our hospitality. We stick with our comfort level, and pick our favorites.
I’m here to tell you that God has given us these different sounding and acting people as gifts, to teach us so much, but we don’t choose to interact, learn and be gracious.
“But I can’t find a disabled kid… What am I supposed to do?”
Well, try harder. Open your eyes. Ask around. Do you want the truth? The facts? Here they are: Do you live near 5 other homes? If you walk down your street, and pass 5 homes, 1 of those homes will be effected by disability. 1/5 of families are effected by disability everyday.
Do you know more than 6 children? If you know 6 children, 1 of them is likely to have a form of autism, or developmental issue.
Sometimes, I hear this: “Is it my job? How can I be responsible for knowing other people’s needs. I’m just not in their shoes.”
Yes. It’s your job. A frequent reason (or cop out) is saying that the parents of disabled children should just say what they need, and make the efforts to get their kids included. BULL CRAP!
Just thinking up a list of wants and needs would sound exhausting to a parent of a disabled child. Some days, they are just trying to make it through the day without losing their minds. Over 85% percent of marriages don’t survive when a child has a disability. It’s tougher than you think it is.
Listen. These parents have enough to deal with. Wake up! They have enough to do than to also make sure typical children are accepting and relating to their disabled kid/s. Mostly, they are tired. It doesn’t feel worth the effort. Failure seems sure. They are surrounded by frequent disappointments, the broken dream of not having a normal kid, and lots of scheduling issues and therapeutic measures in school, community, and other locations that help their kid or their family. They don’t have enough energy to get people on board with that type of stuff on top of everything else. (Ask them what a typical week is like, go ahead.)
YOUTH GROUP
My son went from being very excited to be old enough to be included in the middle school Sunday School section (See, in 5th grade…you get to sit on cozy couches!!) to now, about a year later, in 6th grade, detesting Sunday School, feeling like an outcast (even more than he had before), and now he doesn’t even believe in God. He says, “God is an unbelievable story.” It must seem like a fairy tell because he doesn’t see the love of God displayed toward him.
Based on the way many Christians behave toward him, he has an excellent point.
Like plenty of other children with autism or developmental disabilities (BTW…”developmental disabilities ” is nicest term for “retards” or the “mentally retarded”), Nathan doesn’t get abstract ideas like, “Is Jesus in your heart?” (He hears, “Is a bearded man in your chest cavity?” Utter nonsense!)
Nathan can’t see or touch Jesus; we have to be Jesus for him. He has to experience love-in-action, benefit from it, and be allowed to return this love as an equal. I don’t know if it’s too late for my church to be hospitable in the way that he’ll to want to be a part of it. I will keep that hope. I’m writing this now to start a change in how we respond and interact, so other kids with disabilities can feel like they belong, and are loved and accepted.
TIPS to get you started (for kids and adults) • Interaction doesn’t have to be hours of incredibly awesome friendship per day or week. A blood brother bond is not necessary. But, the interaction should be authentic, not out of duty or pity. Something simple like making something for them, sharing something, or just chatting pleasantly with them is plenty for starters.
• Asking about their interests (direct questions are best, maybe even just asking “yes or no” questions, at first), and then actually listening to them (even when you may not always understand them or know what to say) is helpful. They WILL understand when you care about them. Just take a bit of time to be gracious. It’ll do you good.
• Inviting them over for a snack, to watch a movie, take a walk, ride bikes, play with your pet, or play videos games may be enjoyable for them, and of course invite the family if possible. Ask if you can visit them. Create times that are specially for them, even if they are brief periods. 30-45 minutes is fine. (But realize they will love you for it, and want to do it again soon. My son never seems to stop talking about the boy we invited over to play, about 2 months ago.)
• Offer them yourself. Nothing fancy. Invest in them for real, emotionally, and with some of your time and efforts. When you offer authentic friendship it looks different than just a saying or doing the “right thing”. You take a risk.)
• Help them make a craft, picture, or a simple snack, play a game, look at a book, build with legos, and take the time to talk to them, or just be close by and attentive, etc. and show them you like them.
• Offer the parents of disabled kids respite time. Give them an hour or two break, and get the help, information, and extra helpers you may need to care for the child. (Only 10% of churches do this. Change this statistic.)
• Be inviting. What’s the worst that could happen if you invite a family over to your house? Maybe the child will do something unpredictable, and you won’t know what to do? Maybe you will feel uncomfortable? Get Over it.
MOVING FORWARD:
Where and how have you seen the disabled as full-fledged participants in your community or ministry? (How was it done rightly?)
AND–
How can I help you? If you want to show kindness, or God’s love to a family of a disabled person, or to a disabled person, What are your questions or concerns?
What about including or interacting with the disabled would you like to know?
What are your fears? Share them.
Let’s get this ball rolling. No question is off limits. Your comments, or experiences can be shared as well.
Thanks for reading. Thanks for changing for the better. -Lisa
