I’ve been both a victim and a participant in the American cultural norm…Scope out opportunities to rejoin comments with, “That’s what she said.”
(To be sure, the phrase was around long before the TV show “The Office”, but a certain Michael Scott character seemed to usher the phrase into a broad and sweeping cultural vernacular. Am I right?)
So now, it seems thousands of words and phrases are hijacked, and church gatherings are not immune to it either. Or, maybe it’s just me. It can be hilarious, dreadful, or just plain embarrassing. Recently, a few worship songs have sort of had their way with me on this, so to speak.
“Bride of Christ” by Marion Coltman (I thought it was entitled: “Jesus, keep your hands where we can see ’em”) …and it’s all just a bit too much for me.
I didn’t want to think it at the time, but the Casting Crowns song “Your Love is Extravagant” sounded just a little too much like a “friends with benefits” song. Golly, all you have to do is take the “t” off Christ, and you have a fine mess (in my head):
Your Love is Extravagant
Your love is extravagant
Your friendship, it is intimate
I feel like moving to the rhythm of Your grace
Your fragrance is intoxicating in our secret place
Your love is extravagant
Spread wide in the arms of Christ is the love that covers sin
No greater love have I ever known You considered me a friend
Capture my heart again
Spread wide in the arms of Christ is the love that covers sin
No greater love have I ever known; You considered me a friend
Capture my heart again
Your love is extravagant
Your friendship, it is intimate
Don’t get me wrong, Casting Crowns does so many great worship songs I really enjoy. This may be one your favorites, which is fine. I hope it creates a worshipful experience for you, and for everyone, but I get derailed.
Basically, if a worship song talks about touching, my mind wanders. Such as Kari Jobe song:
I wanna sit at your feet.
Drink from the cup in your hand.
Lay back against you and breathe, here your heart beat
This love is so deep, it’s more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace, it’s overwhelming.
The fact is love is risky. God is risky…Obviously risky and risqué has sort of been a fine line in songwriting. But, to be honest, I realize that love can often feel awkward as it gets emotionally deeper. When it starts to change and effect us–and affect us. The awkwardness is part of the path to greater spiritual maturity. (In this case, I’ll let you know for sure when I get there.)
Admittedly, the psalms that King David wrote got quite amatory, and for some it feels embarrassing. I can handle David getting up close and personal with God. I’m fine with Song of Solomon’s sexy talk, and David’s passionate poem songs, but maybe in singing those things corporately, we confront those issues of intimacy differently than we do in our times of personal devotions, songs, or prayers. What do you think about it?
I think the challenge, for me, is a renewing of my mind a bit more, and praying for better ears to hear. Thank you for your patience with me, Lord.
Lastly, for all you songwriters out there, if you’re writing something sweet to sing for Jesus, please–for me–don’t put the words “intimate,” “secret place,” and “rhythm” too close together. (It can be a “worship hijack” for some of us, okay, for me.)
When was the last time you felt embarrassed/awkward at the worst time?
“Whisper My Blog on the Interwebs, boys…” I think this.
What better way to get a blog following, right? Well…
The obvious biblical analogy here would be the sick woman who knew if she would just touch the hem of Jesus’ robe, she would be healed. Will my blog be healed….Hum…okay, I won’t go there.
Well, in blogging terms, that “proverbial hem” (or Medias Touch, if you prefer) is without a doubt, a shout out from the web Kahunas, like Tim Ferriss or Jon Acuff. Okay, you know what…not even a “shout out”. It’s more likely that a mere tweet-in-passing would act like a combo pack of a vitamin B12 shot, an IV of Red Bull, plus a bag of crack…to your blog….you know…in blogging terms.
Have you ever hoped for a plug from someone trusted…or a mention from someone at least, sort of, kind of, famous? Or infamous, even…. Snookie…call me.
“Hello there, Rubber, meet my friend Road”:
The reality is while a tweet vouch might spike up your hits, it’s really only great content and consistency that will keep readers (and even friends) coming back for more, the next day, or sometime soon. There aren’t awesome shortcuts for doing a great job.
It’s the hard work Tim and Jon invested that made them achieve Web Chieftain status. (A status that I just made up, but is indeed “very important”…indicating almost boundless prowess.)
Yes, they’ve been clever; and yes they’ve benefitted from good timing, loyalty, and following their adroit instincts. But, getting to the blogging big leagues wasn’t simple or easy. They are but two examples.
Really, Lisa, says who, you?
How do I know, since I’m not in their league…AT ALL… you ask? Gosh, that’s sort of pointed, putting it that way…but it’s a cogent point.
On a smaller scale, I’ve done it too. I’ve blogged consistently for years. I put in at least 1-2 hours a day (and plenty of times more) in investments of time in promotion and activity in social media, in writing, reading, research, and other super spy stuff from the confines of my lair…um…home office….area…er…okay, the couch. My blog crashed twice, completely, over a 10 day period last month. I went to ZERO visits per day, for a total of 4 days. Ouch! Now, not even 14 days later I recovered to 200 visits per day, and I expect that should improve. It’s just nose + grindstone.
But, it’s even simpler than that. If you read their stuff, Tim and Jon mention this. Themselves. They mention the dedication, the striving, and even the failures on the way. They try different things, and they don’t give up. It’s not magic after all.
Here’s some Do’s and Don’ts so you can blog better:
DO’S
1. Do use [relevant] visuals or video in your blog. Think of a blog this way: It communicates like the telephone, but still needs the visual injection like tv.
1. Do credit other people when your ideas are derivative of theirs. (This way everyone wins.) A link and a mention is appropriate, and appreciated.
2. Do blog consistently.
3. Do have a niche, but don’t be afraid to branch out to keep things fresh too. (I’m not sure if you’re like me, but I’ve read enough “My Random Thoughts” blogs to last me 22 dog lifetimes. Yawn.)
4. Do offer something. If your blog is more like a dairy, and you aren’t a household name, don’t expect to have high visitor traffic. Probably ever.
Remember that essentially your readers are “selfish” and “don’t care about you” so you have to bring something enjoyable to them, or interesting. Or just incorporate some of these emotions: love, shock, anger/outrage, “tears”/loss, joy, excitement, and so forth, to make it worth reading.
Present company excluded…of course? …Very funny. Let’s be serious, you, too, will stop reading this if you get bored, or it isn’t really helping you, somehow. However, if not, I love you. (And I wish I was you.) But, now I digress.
DON’TS
1. Don’t expect people to think your life is interesting. If it really was, you wouldn’t have that much time to blog. (Don’t act all surprised that I mentioned this. Other people realize this too, they just don’t say it right to your face.)
2. Don’t express jealousy. Instead, refine it into admiration.
I see this in bloggers a bit too much, and it’s weird. What’s jealousy in blogging, exactly? Well, it seem like jealousy when you write, and you have a beef with somebody. Maybe it’ll be passive-aggressive, or good old fashion: aggressive-agreesive. Nevertheless, it reads as petty, even icky. Look for the positive if you’re speaking of another writer or personality. Unless, of course, you’re being quite clever or satirical, then have at it. Ooo, except if you’re no good at that, then never mind…just be nice, if possible.
3. Don’t Whine.
4. Don’t have long posts much. Keep a healthy amount to under 400-500 words.
5. Don’t post something just because you think “it’s time”. The content quality dives when you do this. It’s a silent killer that last year alone murdered 850 thousand blogs. Okay I might have made that last part up.
Tips to help with #5: a. When you get a stream of ideas, write them all down. Anticipate that you will have dry periods of creativity. It can be feast or famine, so plan ahead.b. Split your ideas into a series of shorter posts. c.Invite guest post writers to contribute. d.Make lists, like “My funniest posts,” or “Most controversial posts” or “Most popular posts” (An admitted Jon Acuff “favorite”…or whatever… is the “list post”.) Obviously you have to be doing this for a while to have an arsenal to pick from.
5. Don’t grovel for endorsements.
(Included here are asking for retweets of your posts links, begging for plugs, being gimmicky, or the cardinal sin in social media: sending a DM for a RT. More on that from Chris Brogan here.)
Oh, hey! If you don’t know what I’m talking about with this terminology, you might want to ramp up your social media IQ, and read up on these terms to help your blogging efforts. It’s not that it’s all “cool,” it’s simply necessary. Here’s a spot, for a quick and dirty rundown of indispensable terms.
The fact is, if I ask you to RT (retweet) or to stick me on your blogroll; If I ask you to link up with an article, or to please put in a shout out, gosh…. it just oozes neediness. Un-Attractive. (Yes, I’ve done it…but I am so ashamed, now that I know better.) See, I have to earn this stuff. This comes the hard way, and through its own merits. I need to do the best I can. I will be rewarded in due time (same goes for you).
Whether you blog, or just read blogs—What makes a good blog?
Oh, one more thing….
I DO whisper names. If you leave your blog link, before the end of October, I’ll check it out thoroughly. Then you could get a personal plug. I plan to feature 5 favorite blogs in an upcoming post, maybe one will be yours. Give me until November to check them out, and report!
Self-Destruction
Have you ever noticed how a person interacting online, or posting can sort of overtly or even subtly “self-destruct” right in front of you? Sort of like an inter webs Anna Nicole Smith, or something. I always feel a pang of embarrassment for them…Except when it’s me, than I just eat chocolate.
I can’t help but think, we bloggers, social media participants, and users of the interwebs should really reflect on why we do things.
You should be sitting down for this next part. Okay, you probably are already sitting down, duh. So, in that case, just take a deep breath, and keep an open mind, then, I guess.
Here’s a tough order. Consider a 2 WEEK media fast (you heard what I said….that means no Facebook, twitter, leaving comments on blogs, or making post entries, pinning, you know…whatever) if you see yourself having any of the following signs:
(2 days, or even 2 full hours can help too. You can opt for that one)
5 Signs that you need a break from the Interwebs.
1. If a 2 week, 2 day, or 2 hour interruption such as this seems unthinkable. Not sure why all the 2s.
2. If you find yourself perceiving things people say personally offensive, or as direct attacks. (Like maybe you think, that I think you’re getting paranoid, because you are…that would be an example.)
3. If you are “venting” more online.
4. If you get a substantial emotional charge when you interact, make a post, or reply online, etc. and perhaps feel empty or restless if that opportunity is denied or delayed.
5. If posting or being active in social media, or online makes you feel significant.
Check yourself.
The truth is, I’ve been able to checkmark each thing I mentioned. If that is the case for you, step back. Take some time off as a spiritual respite. It will save you from yourself.
If you can’t handle 2 weeks of “nothing”… what will you commit to? How about 2 days? No? 2 hours? Pick something and go with it.
Other suggestions of import: Invest some of your money or time into an in-person, formal or casual counseling relationship, spiritual direction, spiritual friendship/soul care, or mentoring arrangement which relies on speaking face-to-face with someone on the deeper things in your life, or on patterns you see in your reactions and interactions.
It seems that after awhile internet “community” is not primarily the healthiest way to relate to others. Trust me, you’re getting paranoid. And, it’s not because of me.
Want a Word Picture for this? Think of a wound that can’t get fresh air during the healing process. Gooey, and whatnot, right? That is what is happening to your insides when much of your interactions with others consist of online inter-personal communication. Rip off the Band-aid, YO!
If communicating online is a huge part of your life (you’re are a writer, a speaker, a leader, a blogger, a computer geek, an international man of mystery, etc), you can make an important shift, and find some freedom. Your breathing will be easier, and you’ll see more butterflies, I promise.
You can continue to write or express yourself in constructive and cathartic ways. Journal during your hiatus, and see what it’s like to do this sort of thing in private. Make note of the differences.
Now, hey…before you go…maybe for 2 weeks (gosh …what have I DONE?!..just when I’ve returned in all my opulent blogging glory… ahem…please note my jest), what are some signs you can think of that may indicate a break (okay…let’s say respite) is a wise idea?
I also help with getaways. Looky here
What are your related tips for having a balanced life?
(For more insights on taking a break, do a search here for “fasting”)
Nathan is weird. Embrace it! (Pssssst. You’re weird too.)
I’m taking a Theology of Disabilities course right now. I have to admit that some baggage that I didn’t realize I was carrying has gotten heavy. I’m putting it down, starting now. The truth is, I realize I have felt disappointed by the church, and by my church. I’m hurt that the church has failed so badly in helping the disabled (specifically my disabled child) feel like they really belong. It’s not just about allowing the disabled to be there near us, it’s about really knowing them, and really appreciating who they are, because God made them, and they are valuable.
Ya see, times have changed. When I grew up in the 1980s, we’d all make fun of kids that “rode the short bus”…maybe not to their face, but imitating “Tards” was something I excelled at. I was hilarious. I was the disabled one, if we’re telling the truth here. I was spiritually retarded. God gave me a precious gift in my son to show me God’s true heart. To show me my true humanity. The disabled personify the weakness we avoid. Nathan helps me get over my human/secular and foolish ideas about what it means to belong and be successful in God’s worldview.
Here’s the other cool thing. God gave me Nathan to share with you, too!
I think, my generation still fears the disabled. I doubt many will dare admit it. (It’s not politically correct, and we can’t look like uncaring jerks, right?) To most of us, the disabled are still a stigmatized and strange group; and we don’t know what to do with them…we don’t know what to do around them…we aren’t sure what they need. It’s all quite uncomfortable. Gosh, we are so glad we are not them. And we’re afraid. Afraid of the unknown and the unfamiliar, and the “other”.
Here’s the surprising twist. Our (non disabled) kids don’t have the same mentality. They don’t. Over the last 10-20 years, those with disabilities haven’t been sent away to special schools. They have been included, or in far closer proximity to typically developing children. The secular, public schools have outdone, and surpassed the church in this area of grace. They have honored and accepted disabled kids more than the church.
Please. Read those 2 previous sentences again…Slowly. Okay, never mind. I’ll just state it again: They (secular institutions and those who are a part of them) have honored and accepted disabled kids more than the church has.
(Yes. You should feel convicted right now. Even crying wouldn’t be over-the-top.)
As a Parent:
As the mom of a disabled child, I find that typically developing children, with just the a little bit of prompting or advice, adjust very well to interacting with my son, as if he’s a real human being who desires friendship. They even enjoy him! (It’s not just charity. It’s reciprocal friendship. It’s the kind of relating where everyone wins.)
On the other hand, I find that it is the parents of these (non disabled) children who are fearful, and unwilling to engage with my son, beyond the superficial. They are fearful enough to not help their child build friendships, or regularly interact with a disabled peer, or near-peer. They don’t create an easy opportunity for their child to grow, learn and become more compassionate. They don’t make it priority. As a child’s primary guide, this is a gross failure.
Church: But this is different at church, right? It’s a place of acceptance, and hospitality, and belonging, right? God’s love is shown in tangible ways, right? WRONG. My son has more meaningful relationships and friendships, and more grace shown to him with non Christians, in secular (even godless) environments, and with neighborhood children. (See, the government schools have been telling these kids that atypical kids were worth interacting with.)
KIDS @ PLAY
Once upon a time, I bemoaned to a woman at church the fact that Nathan had no friends at church, no meaningful interactions with any church children, no invitations extended to him to play with them, go to their birthday parties, or even watch a movie together (even after we had make a lot of efforts to create those situations and occasions). Her reply, “Well, I can’t force my kids to play with certain kids, and to like certain friends.”
I listened to her statement, and I didn’t really know what to say. This mom was prominent in the church. I didn’t challenge it. Upon reflection, I should have said, “LIKE HELL YOU CAN’T!”
As parents, we do it all the time. We curb or we encourage friendships for our kids regularly. Do we let our kids hang out with teenagers on the corner who are smoking? Uh, no. Does a naughty and petulant child get to sleep over? No. What about the children who bite, hit, or cuss? Do they get to make cookies in our kitchen with us? Nope. We influence our kids all the time. The fact is fear stops our hospitality. We stick with our comfort level, and pick our favorites.
I’m here to tell you that God has given us these different sounding and acting people as gifts, to teach us so much, but we don’t choose to interact, learn and be gracious.
“But I can’t find a disabled kid… What am I supposed to do?”
Well, try harder. Open your eyes. Ask around. Do you want the truth? The facts? Here they are: Do you live near 5 other homes? If you walk down your street, and pass 5 homes, 1 of those homes will be effected by disability. 1/5 of families are effected by disability everyday.
Do you know more than 6 children? If you know 6 children, 1 of them is likely to have a form of autism, or developmental issue.
Sometimes, I hear this: “Is it my job? How can I be responsible for knowing other people’s needs. I’m just not in their shoes.”
Yes. It’s your job. A frequent reason (or cop out) is saying that the parents of disabled children should just say what they need, and make the efforts to get their kids included. BULL CRAP!
Just thinking up a list of wants and needs would sound exhausting to a parent of a disabled child. Some days, they are just trying to make it through the day without losing their minds. Over 85% percent of marriages don’t survive when a child has a disability. It’s tougher than you think it is.
Listen. These parents have enough to deal with. Wake up! They have enough to do than to also make sure typical children are accepting and relating to their disabled kid/s. Mostly, they are tired. It doesn’t feel worth the effort. Failure seems sure. They are surrounded by frequent disappointments, the broken dream of not having a normal kid, and lots of scheduling issues and therapeutic measures in school, community, and other locations that help their kid or their family. They don’t have enough energy to get people on board with that type of stuff on top of everything else. (Ask them what a typical week is like, go ahead.)
YOUTH GROUP
My son went from being very excited to be old enough to be included in the middle school Sunday School section (See, in 5th grade…you get to sit on cozy couches!!) to now, about a year later, in 6th grade, detesting Sunday School, feeling like an outcast (even more than he had before), and now he doesn’t even believe in God. He says, “God is an unbelievable story.” It must seem like a fairy tell because he doesn’t see the love of God displayed toward him.
Based on the way many Christians behave toward him, he has an excellent point.
Like plenty of other children with autism or developmental disabilities (BTW…”developmental disabilities ” is nicest term for “retards” or the “mentally retarded”), Nathan doesn’t get abstract ideas like, “Is Jesus in your heart?” (He hears, “Is a bearded man in your chest cavity?” Utter nonsense!)
Nathan can’t see or touch Jesus; we have to be Jesus for him. He has to experience love-in-action, benefit from it, and be allowed to return this love as an equal. I don’t know if it’s too late for my church to be hospitable in the way that he’ll to want to be a part of it. I will keep that hope. I’m writing this now to start a change in how we respond and interact, so other kids with disabilities can feel like they belong, and are loved and accepted.
TIPS to get you started (for kids and adults) • Interaction doesn’t have to be hours of incredibly awesome friendship per day or week. A blood brother bond is not necessary. But, the interaction should be authentic, not out of duty or pity. Something simple like making something for them, sharing something, or just chatting pleasantly with them is plenty for starters.
• Asking about their interests (direct questions are best, maybe even just asking “yes or no” questions, at first), and then actually listening to them (even when you may not always understand them or know what to say) is helpful. They WILL understand when you care about them. Just take a bit of time to be gracious. It’ll do you good.
• Inviting them over for a snack, to watch a movie, take a walk, ride bikes, play with your pet, or play videos games may be enjoyable for them, and of course invite the family if possible. Ask if you can visit them. Create times that are specially for them, even if they are brief periods. 30-45 minutes is fine. (But realize they will love you for it, and want to do it again soon. My son never seems to stop talking about the boy we invited over to play, about 2 months ago.)
• Offer them yourself. Nothing fancy. Invest in them for real, emotionally, and with some of your time and efforts. When you offer authentic friendship it looks different than just a saying or doing the “right thing”. You take a risk.)
• Help them make a craft, picture, or a simple snack, play a game, look at a book, build with legos, and take the time to talk to them, or just be close by and attentive, etc. and show them you like them.
• Offer the parents of disabled kids respite time. Give them an hour or two break, and get the help, information, and extra helpers you may need to care for the child. (Only 10% of churches do this. Change this statistic.)
• Be inviting. What’s the worst that could happen if you invite a family over to your house? Maybe the child will do something unpredictable, and you won’t know what to do? Maybe you will feel uncomfortable? Get Over it.
MOVING FORWARD:
Where and how have you seen the disabled as full-fledged participants in your community or ministry? (How was it done rightly?)
AND–
How can I help you? If you want to show kindness, or God’s love to a family of a disabled person, or to a disabled person, What are your questions or concerns?
What about including or interacting with the disabled would you like to know?
What are your fears? Share them.
Let’s get this ball rolling. No question is off limits. Your comments, or experiences can be shared as well.
Thanks for reading. Thanks for changing for the better. -Lisa
I really enjoy some blogs out there. I’ll limit my recently read, recommendation list to 10, but I assure you, many more could make the list. In no particular order:
Gosh…I just realized I haven’t included any women bloggers. That’s seems so odd to me. It’s true that over 75% of my readership is male. I’m kind of like “one of the guys”… but I have a working uterus.
If you are a blogger, promote your blog today. About 1,500 people read this per week. So, it’s some good exposure. Explain what you write about a bit, and include a link.
